Cowboy Casanova

Chapter 4 (Four Years Later)

"I can't change the past, though I would give anything to."

"Who knows, maybe if it didn't happen, we wouldn't be this close. Maybe it was just part of the broken road, you know?"

"Yeah," I start. "maybe."

"Hey," He says with a sudden amount of energy. "what do you say, we go grab some pizza and watch a movie at home?" I can't help but smile. 

"That sounds good to me." I say, getting up and grabbing my jacket.

After watching a gory movie, Scott is out like a light bulb. I'm left lying awake, wondering when I'll get over this fear... Maybe I should see a doctor about it... I mean it's not like they can do anything about it, can they? 

At around eight in the morning, I dial the doctor's and schedule an appointment for nine... leaving me an hour to get ready and get there. I quickly get ready, running a tad behind, when Scott wakes up. 

"Hey babe," he says. "where you going?" he rubs his eyes and gets off the couch. 

"Just to the doctor." I say, trying to make the conversation short. 

"Can I come with?" He knows I don't like going alone. 

"I have to go like... now." I say, looking at the clock on the oven. He grabs a shirt off the back of the couch. 

"I'm ready like... now." He mocks. I roll my eyes and grab the car keys.

"Audrey, it seems that the... incident, and your traumatic childhood has left you with PTSD... I mean it fits with everything you are describing to me." Dr Oley says. 

"Are you serious?" I say, a tad astounded. 

"Yes," he says. "I mean, with the moving around from foster to foster, you just never have had anyone that you can truly rely on. That leads to even more damage after a trauma like this." 

"So, am I going to start seeing a shrink or taking pills?" I ask, eager to find how to fix it. 

"Pills are going to affect your fertility."

"As in?"

"You would not be able to have children, unless you went through extreme fertility treatments." He says. "You might be suggested to go see a psychologist. Most of this is just you learning how to rely on other people." Scott squeezes my hand a bit. He can tell I'm freaked out. 

"Did the incident lead to fertility problems?" I ask. 

"No, luckily it didn't." He says. He stops and takes a deep breath. "Audrey, you were raped. You were violently raped and left for dead on the street. I think the first thing you need to do is admit what happened to you. Don't call it an incident. You were raped... It's okay to be scared of admitting it, but at some point you need to admit it." I look down at my hand, that is being held by Scott. I nod, avoiding eye contact with Oley. 

"You okay?" Scott whispers to me. I nod again, but I don't lift my head up. 

"You may want to try talking to Scott first, you know, before going to a shrink. I know you trust him..."

"Alright." I say. The doctor says his condolences, and prescribes me emergency pills for panic attacks.

"Do you want half, or a full one?" Scott yells from the kitchen to me on the couch. I sit and stare at the black TV. 

"Full." I yell. 

"Hungry?" He asks, dropping the plate on my lap with a smile. 

"You bet." I say blandly. He lets out a little frown, then goes back to grab his plate. I take a bite of the grilled cheese and start to think about what's going to happen if we can't have kids. 

"Honey, you know everything is going to be just fine, right?" Scott says. 

"I just want everything to be normal... That's all I want." I say. I sound like I'm a four year old whining. 

"That's okay." He says, trying to comfort me. 

"Everytime I take a step foreword, I have to take two back... I mean, I'm getting nowhere. It's like I go from one bad situation to the next. I just want to be normal. For one time in my life, can I please be normal?" 

"Normal's no fun." Scott says quietly, looking down at his sandwich. 

"It's a lot better than this..." I say. The words hang in the air for a moment. 

"You mean here with me, or what?" He says, sounding almost a little angry. 

"I mean being the girl who was raped, being the girl who's been passed around their entire life, being the girl who may not be able to give the one person she cares about what they want." I say. 

"We don't have to have kids, Audrey." Scott says. 

"Bullshit." I say, getting a tad emotional. "That's all you've ever wanted. You've screwed yourself over, because you decided to marry one of the very few people you know who can't have kids." 

"I'm happy the way we are, honey. We don't have to have kids, alright? Yeah, that would be cool, but we don't have to. And if we did really wanted to, we could adopt. Alright? So this isn't the end of the world." He reassures me. 

"I can't even sleep with you..." I say. 

"Honey, you were raped." Scott says. I hate that word... "Oley said it'd take you a while to feel comfortable with that again." 

"It's been two years Scott! Two years!" I say, in tears. "I just want you to be happy." 

"I am happy. Baby, I just want to be with you. That's all I need to be happy. I don't need kids. I will live without sex, alright? As long as I'm with you."

"I'm sorry." 

"Don't be." Scott says, wrapping his arms around me. "I know this is a lot to deal with, but I promise everything is going to be okay."

The phone is ringing like crazy, when I wake up at noon. Scott must've already left for work. Surely enough, on my way to find the phone, he left a note of the counter. 

Off to work, didn't want to wake you up. Love you more than the world baby. -Scott 

I smile, then quickly grab the phone before I lose my mind. 

"Hello?" I say, a little hostile.

"Is this Audrey?" A woman asks on the other line. 

"Speaking." I say slowly, sensing something is wrong.

"Scott's in the hospital, and we don't know how long he's going to make it." She quickly says. 

"What?" I say, shocked. "What happened?" 

"We can tell you once you get to the hospital. Just-" She pauses. "hurry."