To The Boy That Stole My Sunshine

I met you.

 I practically drove all night so that maybe I could go home and feel a little more at peace with myself and you. I drove until I forgot- until I forgot how you made me feel less than her, how you made my heart break over and over and how above all the mess, you still managed to make me feel loved.

"Love" is only imaginary at seventeen and maybe we are very capable of convincing ourselves otherwise. We did convince ourselves it was real, but I know now how easy it is to drown in words as long as they are coming from the person you believe loves you.

Seventh grade, fifth period, gym class, I met you. A pink Pineapple Willy's short sleeve and a goon inside, I met you. We had an instant connection, and maybe it was your bright and innocent, clear blue eyes looking into mine, studying my unfamiliar face, maybe it was your humor. My heart began to beat and a new fluttering feeling seemed to flood through me. I looked forward to getting to know you more everyday, only now I wish I could un-learn every detail of your face, every crinkle when you smile and how your fingertips danced along my cheek and glided along my jaw and into my hair as you held my face like it was always yours for the taking; but I'm getting ahead of myself. You laughed at all my quirks that have remained present all these years later. You joked on me and I on you. We had become friends.

Science class, sixth period, you played baseball, every girl's dream-a jock boyfriend, I mean. It was something of a dream. You liked me. Everyday I would exaggerate to my best friend, Emma. She had known you longer than me, so she always gave me advice and would assist me in deciphering whatever signals you were giving. She taught me how to read you. As I grew closer to you, she did too, which I was not exactly fond of. So, quietly I began to distance myself from her and easing into a new friendship with a fellow military brat, Madison. I boasted all my latest news about the boy from gym class and biology to her. Sharing the same gym class with the both of you was the highlight of every day for me. She had convinced you to ask me to homecoming, my first real school dance. Finally it was my turn to wear the white dress with a big gold bow both my sisters had worn in middle school. I was so nervous, so i kept it from my parents and told you that maybe we should just meet there. Was this my first ever mistake with you? The one thing that started all of what we are always dealing with? Miscommunications and misinterpretations are what we're best at. Then, you casually mentioned the matching bowtie that nearly broke my heart. At the end of the night you kissed my cheek, the first and last physical gesture for the next few years. Fast forward to the end of October and you chose to give Emma, my newly demoted to "just friend" a shot at being your girlfriend. Her defense to me was "well he liked me for three years". So all of a sudden she decided to like you, in envy and spite of you and me? We'll never know for sure. She was the first person I told I hated and never wanted to hear from again, this was especially difficult because the three of us still had science class together. She carefully explained to our teacher why her grades were slipping and why she would always be so upset in class. I stopped talking to both of you until January. My next mistake? I went back to you and with time I will come to find I know this pattern all too well. We agreed to make amends because friendship is too important. We finished out the year stronger than Emma and I did. Her and I still hung out regularly, we spent entirely too much time together. I was rarely home on weekends and even mostly through the summer we were always together. We spent summer nights on her trampoline and she would tell me how it felt to fall asleep to the sound of your voice- yet another thing I will find all too familiar.

Eighth grade, english and history class, you and I got even closer, dangerously close. Emma and I really fell apart at the beginning of the year because you sat behind me in english and she knew how strongly you felt for me last year. At a first glance I didn't quite understand why she got so upset because at this point in time I had a crush on Ty, the school soccer star who will eventually be the high school's pride and joy- the kicker for our football team. I walked with Ty in the halls and talked to him at break and we texted all the time. I started confiding in you, and you did the same. You told me about your experiments with Emma which caught me off guard because innocent me had never had any interaction with someone of the opposite sex beyond walking to class. Now, we are best friends. We tell each other secrets and stories that shaped us into who we are. We have the same birthday, maybe that has some supernatural tie to why we are the way we are. We would get in trouble often for talking and goofing off with our new additions to our friendship, Chris and Malori. We would make fun of the girl who couldn't pronounce her Rs and the boy who would try to argue with the teacher. You and Emma took a break for a little and in between, you and Malori started a fling. A short-lived fling that kept me awake at night because, still, I had feelings for you. I wouldn't dream of acting on those because at this point, we might as well have been siblings, twins even. I could have feelings for absolutely anybody but you would still be in the back of my mind. We started fighting because in your eyes, I became a different person around Ty. He brought out a bad side in me you always told me you didn't like, but because it was a trend to be ignorant amongst thirteen and fourteen year olds, I refused to listen. No matter what happened that year, we remained a constant for each other. Every minor disappointment to every great day, and everything in between, you were there. I knew you genuinely cared about me, even after you and Emma got back together. I would see pictures of the both of you and I would feel a slight disgust because I didn't want you to be with her, but we were still, and as far as I could see, would always be, just friends. I had always been drawn to you and not for looks, but because no matter where I may stray, being with you will bring me back down to Earth while keeping my head in the clouds. I don't understand how it is possible, but you make me feel comfort that can only be found in a home. I discovered this a year and a half into our friendship. Every stumble, we would help each other up. Grudges weren't an issue. We became a team. All agreements could go without being spoken or addressed. There was always an understanding.