Bleeding Souls

Ch. 38-Senior Year

Hello again! So you made it this far huh? I hope you have enjoyed it so far, the experience has been very interesting to say the least, but it as been incredible. Anyways, lets get to the next chapter shall we?

     Senior year... A behemoth in its entirety. Throughout my entire high school career I was looking forward to my senior year. A time where I wouldnt have to worry to much about anything...or so I thought. I had been through hell the past 3 years and thought that my senior year would finally give me a break from the pain and the the torment. But I was wrong... Oh was I wrong.

     Now I'm not saying that my senior year is awful and just miserable but it wasn't a great one either. You see with senior year comes an extra set of privileges and liberties. For example, my senior year my aunt had given me a car because after my uncle died his insurance covered everything to where she could retire and spend more time with her kids, so she just gave me her old car. It was a 2008 Honda CRV. It wasn't perfect but it was mine, and I got to use it to escape the world for a moment. This extra freedom that was given to me was fantastic. It let me forget about the world and my responsibilities. I was allowed to just go out and have fun with friends which was something I could never really do because it never fit my families schedules. I was finally able to live a little and experience more.

     Sadly this was one of the only good things that came with senior year. You see even though I had a temporary escape from the world and family, it always had to end at some point. Senior Year also comes with even more stress and anxiety. You have to decide on a college and in most cases find a way to pay for college yourself. My family kept putting pressure on me and it pushed me more and more towards the edge... They talk to me like I am not good enough because I "don't take this seriously," while they are busy telling this to me they have no idea what goes on behind the scenes. You see the school I go to has what they call Advanced Placement classes or AP for short. These are not your ordinary classes they are much more in depth and in some cases much more difficult. Taking multiple AP classes at the same time is torture. Most nights I am up till 2 am just doing homework in order to stay caught up. Yet my parents never notice. They seem to only catch me "slacking off," when in reality I am just taking a moment to myself to keep my sanity. They never see all the work I do, they only see the lazy disappointment they have been raising for 17 years.  

     They see a boy who doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, and they believe that I will not be anything. My sister on the other hand, according to them "She is going places," solely because she had a plan already. I take my education so seriously I lose sanity sometimes. I push myself so hard sometimes that I forget about my well being. But they never see that. If I make one mistake my family loses all faith in my future. Remember specifically one instance with my dad, while I was doing my homework I got a few questions wrong. He noticed this and said 

"Every time I see that, I can feel you losing another scholarship," 

"You will never get into college," 

     My mother constantly tells me that I will never be anything, that I will be 40 years old and still living in this house, or that I will end up being homeless. There words cut deeper than knives, piercing me heart, and my soul. My own family does not believe in me...

     It didn't help that the AP classes I were taking made me feel stupid. I started to think that maybe my family was right, maybe I wasn't going anywhere and just didn't realize it yet. Maybe I am just destined to be a failure at every turn. I wish someone...anyone would believe in me. I wish I was worth something in their eyes... but I guess this is what my life will always be. Like I said my senior year wasn't bad, but it definitely wasn't great