Disclaimer: I do not own the song mentioned here. It belongs to Taylor Swift.
"Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes, tell myself it's time now, gotta let go, but moving on from him is impossible, when I still see it all in my head".
The lines from a song called Red by Taylor Swift that keep replaying on my mind. The wind blew my hair as I walked under the dimly lights on the first day back at school. Three years of walking on the same path made me feel a little bit nostalgic.The leaves rustle as the wind made it's connection with them. I walked slowly like I'm counting every step I took.
First day back at school.There's a commotion when I entered the school, well it was always like that, students gathering around in order to see what section are they in or are they in the same section with their friends. I forgot to glance at the papers that was taped on the board but I already knew what section I'm in and my former classmate told me that we're in the same class.
We were waiting for our teacher to arrive when I let my eyes wander around the room then I saw him. Something in him that made him look attractive maybe because of his brown eyes that filled with emotion that cannot be seen with his hard exterior or maybe his soft smile that he made as his friend told him something.
The days go by and papers are passed. We didn't talked that much except the pleasantries like goodmorning , goodbye and see you. We only talked to each other if either of us needs a paper or ballpen. Then events are done and December came.
I started talking to him but not personally. I sent him a message with nerves on the verge of bursting asking why he rarely come to school. I was undeniably concerned of him, of his grades and his parents who worked hard so that he can go to school. After that we started talking then eventually became friends.
I have a friend who live in a condominium that invited us to go swimming. I was a bit concerned about the idea at first since there are boys but when I heard that he was going. I made my decision. It seems a bit foolished but we can afford to live a little.
I always laughed at his jokes although it's a bit off. I don't why but he made me happy at that time. That time where he wouldn't want me to see him swimming though my friend told me that he was a good swimmer.
As our friendship grow, my feeling's grew for him. I knew I'm making a mistake that I will regret. It was the mistake of falling in love with him when I knew he was my best friend. Those soft words of comfort that was reserved for me and those little arguments because of me.
I made him laughed when he was down. I gave him my shoulder when he needs comfort. I didn't expect any return from the things I did for him. And of course I didn't expect him to love me back. In any way I played my role as his best friend without hidden agenda. I admit he is my sweetest downfall and I loved him first.
Grades are made and papers are torn and we're on vacation. The school year ends the way I don't like. There's a restricted feeling that I shouldn't feel. My friends persuaded me to confess my feelings for him. I want to and I don't want to, that's the answer I gave them. I started of thinking about what ifs even though my parents taught me not to rely on what ifs. After a lot of thought about it. I made my decision. A decision that I still regret and not regret.
My nerves are getting better of me. My heart pumping crazy like it wants to come out of my chest and butterflies going wild in my stomach and I confessed. I didn't even wait for his reply before my tears came out. I didn't hold back my sob as I was alone in the room. I knew the answer since I knew him so well more than myself.
I wanted to throw something but I remembered that no one must know what I'm going through.
I cried not because I was rejected. I cried because of lost friendship that I hold dear. Gone was the promised of going in the same school. Gone was the laughter we always had when we're talking and gone was the bestfriend I ever hold dear.
Even now I keep remembering and remembering everything that happened. I let go but there's something that's holding me back. I knew I didn't make the best decision at that time but now I knew I did the best decision a friend can make. I didn't lie to him. It's all my fault for falling in love with my bestfriend. I broke the law of friendship.
I hope someday we will see each other with comforting smile written on our face. Not a trace of awkwardness when talking to each other. I hope that we'll laugh at the days where a girl experienced love. We will laugh at the silliness of it all. But now we will just live our lives to it's fullest since regretting it now seems a bit futile. I made my decision and it can't be changed.
When a secret is out accept that everything will change. I loved in secret and silence and look what's the outcome when I let it out. There's always a fine line between a friend and something more. A line that we should and we should not cross. We regret a lot of things but we make the most it. In life when we keep a secret it's like lying but the truth is you're telling or showing the very truth just leaving something in the dark. I lost him.I let go but there's one thread that keeps connecting us and I moved on but I keep remembering. We still see it all like burning red but we accept the fact that everything has changed.
