Inside

The Start

I was lost in a forest, bewildered. Not knowing what to do. No one to hold on to. I was all alone, all alone. Yet, I did stumble upon a mere lion. Calm and beautiful, he helped me when I needed someone the most. He was there for me. A lion that helped me find myself.

And I, found myself.

I never thought that a rope would be holding my life. I never thought of such source that would make me feel the way I feel. This made them surround me, the hatred, the anger, frustration, envy. They devoured me like a monster in a cage. I was trapped by my own emotions. I needed to run away. I just have to. I can't take it anymore. So, I did. Escaping is never easy because once you get out, they will try to get you back into that place where I call a hell hole.

"It's going to be okay" When will that day come? When will I be 'okay'? Is it too much to be happy again? Can you please take the pain away? Take it away... These are what swirl in my head, like a tornado.

When will I see the end of this path? The path where I am running so I can outrun those who outrun me first but to this point, I'm tired. I'm too tired. There were opportunities for me to stop running, yet I was too afraid. I don't think I can do this by myself. Is there anyone who would want to take me away from this fucked up carnival where clowns don't even want to touch me.

Not even the two people I share the same blood with and the people who I shared my happiness with don't know where I am now. I don't want them to know, ever.

I would just be another burden. I will just try to do this myself. So, I need to keep running this long road, to get away from the monsters who hurt me, who make me hurt me.

Looking at the same road I follow, I eventually have fallen into a weary state so I had to rest, then I stumbled upon a cliff. I looked down, it was a long jump. I looked up, the sun was shining brightly. I covered my eyes as the breeze flew my hair back and so, a thought came to mind.

Shall I just follow the two souls that left me, us? The two souls that didn't see their own little angel excel. They didn't see their own child grow up. "Why?" I asked him, our father who called the both of them when I wasn't at the right moment to understand.

So when it was the right time, I asked him. Why would he call them away now? Why now?! Why, when I needed them the most. Why... now...?

He didn't give me a chance. A chance to spend my everything with them.

The breeze blew stronger as I stood by the edge of the cliff, it made a whistling sound. If I could just lean a little bit forward maybe this charade would be put into a stop, but I couldn't. It's as if something was pulling me back, it felt heavy. I looked back, it was Hope.

I met Hope for the first time. She told me to go somewhere, to a place where only I, people like me, could go. I don't know why, but I followed what she told me to do. I went there and in that place where I stood, enlightened me. Another, who I saw and saw I, smiled back and reached her hand out. I met another strange yet bright fellow. She said her name was Friendship. I was enticed by her, and it made me take a step closer.

Then, I unconsciously hugged her.

Shortly after hugging her without thinking twice, a warm, familiar feeling started to slide down my cheeks. She told me, with a warm voice, that they, who hurt me, can't reach a place like this. They will try but they will leave as I stop becoming weak, she promised.

Did I finally reach the end?

No.

It comes back from time to time, but this hope showed me the way out of the forest, out of the carnival, and out of hell. With this, I discovered people who were exactly like me. They were out there, but there are also people who successfully got away. If they could do it, can I still keep doing it? And I did. It took so much for me to come this far, to come into a place where I can start smiling again.

Once you meet people like, Hope and Friendship. You start stumbling upon other companions. Like, Courage, Faith, and Trust. It sounds like a fairytale, I know listen to me.

This is real.

Then, you start having your own real friends. You can escape all those chasers, like how I did. But, you can never fully escape reality. It will give you scars and bruises but if it hits you hard enough. You will start to experience and realize.

You will begin to see, that you are not weak. You were just scared.

Every night, it will feel like you are in your death bed, praying to God to make it stop. That one day, you wake up and it was all just a dream. You can sing with the birds in the morning and you can drink a cup of hot, steaming milk during rainy days. You can wait until the afternoon for a midnight stroll or even meet the guy whom you wanted to spend with your life with.

But when those chasers start finding where you are, they will never give you what you want. They see right through you. They are inside you, and they know.

They are you.

But Change, the biggest and fluffiest fellow who came to me, like a dog that misses its owner. My dual-personality disorder ended. He unlocked the inner me, my true self and since then, I was free.

The trail I left can never be covered. Like a stain that can't be washed away and like the scars that were left, maybe permanent, in my body. A tattoo.

It all happened so fast.

It's like being in a daze but a sudden "Snap", you can be happy again. I found out that my mouth can get as wide and it will feel great. It felt like nothing I have ever felt before.

You are not alone anymore. I was once, like you.

The monsters still stalk me, but only at certain moments where I am vulnerable.

Even if I don't want to inform anyone about my negative feelings, Love senses it and takes action. They know, Love knows that I am sad and they will do their best to kick it away.

For my part, I do the same.

Let me be strong and independent in my own way. I know happiness is never permanent but it lasts longer than anything else.

Now, Shyness can't overcome me anymore because I am known for the biggest laugh in our group and can tolerate the slightest of discomfort.

I finally found myself.