my boy - tracob

fourteen

The tiny family reunion between Jacob and Carrie soon came to a stop because of adult duties. Troye and Jacob booked their flight back to London due to needing to get back to uni. It wasn't a long flight in the slightest, just boring while listening to their "flight playlist" something they had made on a lazy day in while planning the trip.

The next day they land and head back to their home for some well needed rest to fight jet lag. Jacob pulls Troye flush against his chest and sighs a loving sigh. Jacob almost misses it when Troye softly whispers "I love you." The only thing he can do is hum and tighten his hold on his boy. It wasn't like he refused to say it to Troye, it was just different for him. His thoughts disappeared as the boy in his arms turned to bury his face into his chest. Sleep would not do well for him tonight.
___

They don't speak about it. Jacob doesn't even bring it up as Troye seems to not even recall saying the phrase. Troye wonders if Jacob had heard him say the phrase last night because it still sits in the back of his mind, chanting in his brain like a mantra.

It's awkward even, trying to avoid each other and saying as little as possible, only when necessary. At night, its only them laying on the opposite ends of the bed, back facing each other. It had been like this for a month already.

Troye wonders of it was his own fault for throwing a big surprise in Jacob's face that night they came home from LA. It couldn't be anything else, the whole awkwardness started the morning after.

Troye only cried at night, longing for something so near in his reach but far too gone emotionally. And Jacob heard every sob. He hadn't actually been asleep like his lover thought, he was just as bad as Troye. There was no one saying sorry or the simple but hard "I love you" to reply back. It was all empty air and dead silence that filled their days for a while now.

School was a big distraction from thinking about their relationship going to damned places so not every second of the day went to that. However, it still pained each of them equally.

It was tonight that caught Jacob's eye. When he was already out of the shower, he expected to see a lump of the duvet covering Troye with his lemon curls popping out but the bed was flat and Troye wasn't in sight.

"Troye? Babe?"

It echoed throughout the house, coming back to him to slap him in the face.

Jacob's first instinct is to call Troye but then he spots his phone on the charger on the bedside table. He slowly ventures to the living room where he finds Troye laying sheets on the couch cushions and then after, a tiny blanket for him. The slight sniffles are heard coming from Troye and Troye alone. Jacob'd heart breaks into a million pieces. Why does Troye feel obligated to have to sleep on the couch?

"Tro?"

Troye's face is puffy red and tears leaking from
his eyes. And all of it hits Jacob hard. He now knows why he's crying and he knows why he's sleeping separate from Jacob tonight and possibly other nights. He gets all the restless nights of crying from him. Its all because he doesn't know how to act. It's all his fault.

"What Jacob?" It isn't cold the way he said it, it was more of a tired and emotionally exhausted way. He's tired of going round and round with the same awkward routine and getting nowhere in their relationship. But Troye only cares too much for Jacob to let him go so he gave him space and thats what gets Jacob the hardest.

"Come back to bed, yeah? It's okay."

"No Jacob, it really is not okay. In case you haven't gotten the fucking memo, we haven't associated with each other in about a month, so yeah, things aren't fine." And he says it all with choked sobs and harsh tones that make Jacob cower away. He hadn't ever seen him like this, this upset.

And it's all because he doesn't know how to live.

"Let's talk about it please Troye. I don't know what's happening either but we can talk through it. You and me. Troye&Jacob."

Troye just seethes at him and plops on the couch with his back facing Jacob, still sobbing into the pillow he lays his head on.

He stares for a moment, only taking in the heart wrenching cries falling from Troye's lips and it breaks inside of him. He wants to he everything for Troye. What he needs, desires, wants, survives on. So his decision is made when he crawls over Troye and gently lays on top of his side and starts to kiss his cheek softly.

"Get off Jay, get to bed. Please leave me alone."

Jacob sighs and explains how the bed is much bigger without him there and he would much rather be cuddling something. Troye doesn't seem to take that too lightly.

"Is this some big joke to you? Do you know how much it hurts to he in love with you and then you just stop communicating with me all together? Like I'm some guest in your house. I'm your boyfriend Jay." Troye squints his eyes at him for a moment trying to come to a decision. He finally speaks, "Are you sleeping with someone else?"

Jacob freezes. Oh no no he is most certainly not.

"No! Not now not ever babe! You know I'm here or at the store, and you see me. Please don't think I'm cheating because that's not what's going on here."

"Then please enlighten me with your explanation on what this is." Troye sits up from the couch and knocks Jacob off of him while giving him a glare and crossing his arms. He deserves some sort of explanation on why they weren't talking to each other and why it was awkward.

"It took me by surprise Troye. I understand and I care so much for you that it should be considered illegal and I want to tell you I love you, but I don't know how? I don't know what I feel with you. I've never felt this about anyone." Jacob lets out a breath of relief and looks up at his boyfriend. He's smiling with tears over flowing his eyes. "Tro, you're okay? Are we okay?"

Troye jumps in his arms and kisses his neck softly. His warm breath immediately comforts the older man as he relaxes to his boys touch he hasn't had in so long.

"I think we're going to be fine Jacob." Troye whispers as Jacob carries them back to their room to rest for the night together.
___

Troye understands it all. He quickly starts to add up everything and comes to a full understanding on Jacob's trouble for compassion. Hard feelings is all he's ever known. He hadn't been lucky like Troye to grow with a healthy, stable family who excepts him. His heart ached for his boyfriend but he promised himself to do everything in his power to help him with everything and anything.

It all comes down to Jacob being able to love himself. He had this hate bottled up inside of him, ready to explode at the touch of an unwanted finger. He carries this burden on his shoulders like he can't let go and if he does, it wouldn't end well. But that's only false.

Troye isn't his parent or anything but he will help him. He won't guide him like a child but he will make sure Jacob is happy with everything. Venturing away from the negative.

Jacob says he's fully content and happy with the way things are in his life. He explains that he has the most loving boyfriend whom he works with. So every time Troye brings up about being happy, Jacob just replies, "How can any of my life get better?" Then he smiles a real big cheeky smile and it throws Troye off completely.

Jacob loving himself is going to take way more than questions and cuddles.