When You Were Never Mine

Taking Blame

Convincing Sam to return home was so much easier than the conversations you faced once you had arrived there. Steve was, of course, standing in the hangar bay of the now-defunct Avengers tower, his hands clasped tightly together behind his back in his most authoritative yet causal stance that he could muster. He was absolutely not convincing in the least. Behind him stood Tony, looking tired, yet trying to seem like he was happy to see you. Maybe he truly was, but recent events of saving the world from his own creation had taken a heavy toll; when you saw his face and the pain and regret that he carried, you did exactly as you were told. You forgot all about Bucky.

"Tony," you sighed, rushing to him and bypassing Steve to get into his waiting arms, "are you okay?"

"Always."

"Are you lying to me? I thought we weren't doing that."

"So, did you find him?"

"Who?"

"You just said we weren't doing that," Tony answered, his voice sounding so tired and so sad like you'd never heard before. He hadn't even made so much as a twitch in his grip to release you. His body was heavy against yours, as if the only thing keeping him from toppling over was your support.

"Um..." you paused, pulling back from his hug and glancing back to Steve, "we can talk about that later. Let us get settled in and we can talk about the mission, is that alright?"

"Sure...yeah, that's fine. I'm just tired, I'm sorry. I really am happy to see you."

"Me too."

"Good," Steve interjected with a small clap of his hands, "then let's take this to the conference room, shall we?"

"Nah, we can do this here," Sam argued, "there's not much to tell. The intel job was nothing. I walked in, grabbed what I needed and walked out. Soon as that was done, we came back here. Story time over, goodnight, kids." With that, he gave a dismissive wave of his hand and let out a long yawn, clumsily tossing a flash drive to the Captain as he passed by on the way to the door.

"Don't let us keep you up," Steve snickered, glancing to you and expecting you to follow behind. But no matter what he thought you might do, the look in his eyes was clear as to what he was hoping that you would do instead. The man was desperate for any answers, even if you told him that there was nothing. To him, nothing was still something.

That was exactly what you did, in hushed, hurried words that were less than Sam had used in his first sentence alone. You had broken your friend's hope once again, but after this long, it didn't affect you as much as it did in the beginning; maybe it was because you really had seen Bucky, and you knew that he was okay, for the most part. Maybe it was because Steve had been pushing you so hard about your connection that you believed the letdown served him right for being like he was. No matter why you had grown insensitive, all you knew was that you weren't doing this for Steve, and he was beginning to realize it too.

~~~

Back in your own bed again, even after barely a night away, you felt immediately at ease in the warmth of the blankets lazily draped over you, and the softness of your own pillow. You could lie here forever just with that, but when Tony emerged from the bathroom and crawled in next to you, his body still warm from the shower, there could never be anywhere better than this.

Everything had always been so easy with Tony that you were sure that he was your soulmate, even if you had never felt the connection that you had made with Bucky. Everything felt right when you were with him, and the two of you matched attitudes and drive so well that there was no way that this wasn't meant to be. Even when he pushed himself up next to you and wrapped his arms so tightly around you that you gasped at the sudden pressure, it felt as if his hold fit perfectly with your every curve.

"So, it was a good trip?" he began quietly. He rested his head on your pillow with you, if for nothing else than to recommit your scent to his memory.

"Mmm hmm," you sighed, "nothing special, glad it finished faster than we had planned. I missed you."

"Missed you."

"Now, tell me, are you really okay? I was reading about what happened in Sokovia on the flight back, and I just can't believe it. That whole thing could've ended in so many other ways. So much worse."

"Well, you know me, honey. Go big, or go home. I went pretty damn big. Massive fuck up."

You rolled yourself over onto your side so that you could face him, but his hold on you barely let up enough for you to move. Somehow, you still managed. "Please, don't tell me that you're doing this again. There's no way that all of this can be your fault."

"Enough of it is."

"Then beat yourself up for just that much. You're taking the entire blame, I can tell."

"We, uh...we...we lost one," he whispered, a crack unmistakable in his voice. "I wouldn't let that get out to the public, because the kid didn't want this life...Avenging. He just wanted to save his home, and the people he cared about...and I got him killed instead. Because I didn't do enough to stop it. Wanda's all alone now, because of me. I have to keep her safe, because I owe her that much."

"Tony..."

"Did you find him?" he asked quickly, as if the words could stay in his mind no longer. He didn't look at you as he said them, knowing that whatever was building behind his eyes wasn't what he wanted you to see. But when you didn't give him a choice, when all you gave him was silence as an answer, he looked at you with fear and nervous anticipation for what you would finally say. He needed to know almost more than he needed his next breath. "(Y/N), just tell me. I promise you, it stays in this room. JARVIS is gone, and FRIDAY needs a re-write before I fully upload her into the system. It's just you and me."

"Yes," you answered, just as quietly. You never thought to hesitate. "I found him."

Tony closed his eyes, sucking in a harsh breath and slowly releasing it, as if it pained him to do so. "Okay, thank you. I was so scared that you were going to try to hide it. Thank you for trusting me."

"How did you know? I mean, I figured that you were tracking me, and all."

"You look different. Did something happen?"

"No," you said, giving him a calm, slight smile, "nothing. He wouldn't come back with us, so all I could do was leave him there and get back here where I belong. For now, I think it's over."

"Are you okay?"

"Always."

"Hey now," he scolded playfully, "no stealing my lies."

"Oh my god," you gasped, with a sharp slap on his arm, "did you just say...lies?"

"Lines!" he backpedaled, sitting up with a start. "I said lines! Lines!"

"We never lie to each other, right? I totally believe you," you mocked, turning over to face away in a jovial huff that only got him that much more riled up and pushing to make sure that you believed him.

"LINES!"

"Goodnight, honey. Love you."

"Ugh...goodnight, love you too," he merely grumbled, though he left a gentle kiss on your cheek and another on your neck before turning to lie on his own side of the bed. It was a blessing in disguise that he had chosen to roll away rather than keeping his hold on you as your phone vibrated on the bedside table at your side.

You glanced over your shoulder to see that he was no longer watching, taking the phone for a fast look at the screen before clearing the message away and closing it again and setting it face down. It was a simple message, but filled with hope that you had maybe gotten through. It was him.

Thank you.