Lights Out

[TW] ONE

In his thoughts, Jongdae feels his mind growing distant - there's a constant ring in his ear that he can't quite place from where, and truthfully, he's starting to become a little frightened because with every ring, something seems to constrict his airway - pressure swells in his head, eyesight turning unfocused, his view darkening. He can't breathe.

I knew there was something wrong, why didn't I do anything? Why didn't I say anything? Why was I so ignorant? It's not just his knees shaking anymore. Jongdae looks up to the doctor, watches the way his own sight moves into and away from the line between clearness and blur. He's trembling, everything's trembling. Jongdae vaguely sees Dr. Kim's eyes widen in alarm, his blur figure reaching out to the younger. A dull tone resonates in his ear, sullying the doctor's voice.

"--Nod. Nod, if you can hear me, Jongdae. Can you hear me?"

Jongdae offers a small nod; Dr. Kim moves on to the next question, keeps his voice calm, "Nod if it's okay for me to touch you, Jongdae." To that, Jongdae nods again.
Why didn't I do anything? Baekhyun suffered because I was so ignorant - why didn't I realize sooner?!

There's the faint sensation of a hand over his back, gentle rubs up and down his spine. "Breathe with me, Jongdae. Inhale, exhale. I'm here for you, okay?"

His chest tightens further, Jongdae feels his breath choke itself out. The dull tone returns, now louder. Jongdae could only hear so much of Dr. Kim's voice; "-down. Would you like to lay down? Do you want to go out, Jongdae?"

I could've told Baekhyun everything was going to be alright sooner. That I thought something was wrong - something wasn't adding up, and that I would help him through it. Why didn't I say anything?

"I want to lay down," Jongdae barely manages to whimper, and the doctor nods - guides him to the sofa and helps lay him down. A piercing pain shoots through his head as Jongdae registers the way his fingers are trembling against the cushions. Dr. Kim calls out once more, looks into his eyes as he tells him to breathe with him.

What kind of idiot am I? I couldn't even notice when it's right there-

"I know it's uncomfortable, but I'll help you get through this. Okay, Jongdae?"

It's the clearest words Jongdae's heard within the past few minutes.

.

Silence overcomes all the voices and ringing, and slowly, Jongdae begins to hear his own breath steadying. Every breath that he releases is still shaky, he feels the ends of his fingers and toes tingling. Dr. Kim still has a hand over his back, strokes down his spine soothingly - And all Jongdae wants to do is just fucking scream because what the fuck just happened? He turns to the psychiatrist with an alarmed expression, and Dr. Kim smiles reassuringly, a clear contrast to the cold and professional demeanour he'd display earlier.

"What was that?" Jongdae asks.

"That," Dr. Kim pulls his hand away, "What you just had, was a panic attack, Kim Jongdae."

"But I don't get those."

"You don't need to have a disorder to have a panic attack," the doctor pats his back, walks away before he returns to offer Jongdae a glass of water. "Since you're now Baekhyun's guardian, I was actually going to keep you for a little longer to advise you about some things, but I suppose that can wait. Can you get home by yourself?"

Jongdae gives it a brief pondering; recalls all the things he'd said to himself in the attack. 'Baekhyun suffered because I was so ignorant -why didn't I realize sooner?' It hits harder than it's supposed to, and Jongdae sits up slowly - carefully, under the heavy scrutiny of Dr. Kim's gaze. "No... I'm better now so, it's okay," he says, tries to sound firm.