ASUNDER (I) : tmr newt

49: I'm Loving

"He didn't do this," Newt says, shutting the door behind me. "We should see who was up last night. What anyone saw or heard. Michelle might have found her beforehand."

"Michelle didn't do this," I interject, waiting for Newt to back away from me.

"Why not?" Newt asks. "She has been violent before. I sent her looking for Dawn, and she went towards the Slammer. Michelle could've done this."

"Michelle only attacks when provoked," I cut him off. "When people make threatening and aggressive advances towards her, then she will fight back. Trust me, I've pissed Michelle off way too many times to count and she's never given me a beating."

"Michelle has still attacked people." Newt cuts me off before I'm done.

"Are you honestly telling me Minho has never gotten into a fight?"

"It's different."

"How?" I demand to know why his double standard infects the air. "How is it any different?"

"Because he is in love with her," he continues on, collapsing on his bed. "Minho is in love with her and I know Minho."

"Still, he could-"

"Leo, do you remember ever being in love?"

Not in the way he means. We talked about love only a few days ago. He said he's has loved people many times over since he has been here, but being in love and simply loving are two very different things.

I don't think I can remember feeling the way he describes.

"Because I bloody do," he tells me. "I've been in love before."

I watch the colour drain out of his face. It reappears in his ears, which flush with heat. My feet feel planted on the floor. Everything within me shakes as I force myself to step closer to him. Why do I feel such a big disconnect from my brain and my body? Everything feels so stiff, when all I want is for it to be soft and smooth. I move down on the bed next to him, waiting for him to say something. Waiting for him to give me any sort of answer, although I don't ask for one. I can't force him to tell me something he doesn't want to.

I am foolish, and I'm not good at doing the one thing I'm supposed to do: heal people.

"I was in love with Alby."

When he says that, I realise something I never thought of before. Something that I forgot was even a possibility. Of course, it was obvious. From the first second, I should have known it. It's why everything has been so hard for me.

I choose to ignore the thought, since I can't bare its implication. Newt's waits silently for my response.

"Was?" I ask it carefully, and Newt sighs.

He scrunches his nose up, before burying his eyes in the palms of his hands. I can hear him breathing heavily. Why must everything be so impossibly hard? I am a failure, and I am pathetic.

"I was in love with Alby," Newt tells me, and I can hear his voice cracking. "I know what it is like to be in love, Leo. Minho could not have done this. I could not imagine hurting anyone like that, especially not someone I am in love with. No matter what they did to me. Love is funny like that. It never really goes away, you just choose to forget about it.

"Being in love is like losing a headache. After a while, I notice my headache is gone, although I don't know the exact second it changes. Things don't happen on the turn of the heel. The world isn't so simply. Things just keep building and building, until you suddenly notice everything is different, although it wasn't suddenly different.

"That is how I know that Minho could never hurt her. Because I've loved before. It doesn't just go away. He could not have hurt her if he truly loves her."

I have been in love too, Newt. The worst is that love still lingers. I don't remember learning it, but it is the same as putting frogs in water and then boiling them. They don't notice the temperature change, and then they die.

I have set myself up for a future of pain, and one I only realise I have just fallen into.

I know he is right.

"I thought you might be in here." Alby walks in the door, because of course he does. The Glade is not kind to the fragile.

Newt and I have lost this moment from each other. I wonder how Newt feels about Alby, and why it fell apart. Alby must not be into boys, or maybe just not into Newt. I don't know which one would feel worse.

Definitely not being into Newt is worse.

"We were waiting for you," Newt remarks. "We figured it would be most discreet to talk in here."

Newt is farther away from me now, although I don't know when or why that happened. All I know for sure is that it sucks immensely. Having this important moment stolen, is like being a vase and having a table-cloth ripped out from beneath me by an amateur magician. My body lies shattered along the bedspread.

"What happened to her?" Alby asks. "She says she was climbing a wall. Do you believe her?"

"She's done it before, but she's never been hurt." How can I speak when such a moment has been stolen from me? My game face is on, but I can't be leading. I should not be in charge of the girls, given my disposition.

"We should still find out who knows anything," Alby remarks. "Ask around to see if anyone saw anything last night. Find out what she was doing in the Slammer at the end of it all. Do you think she's honest?"

Dawn never tells me the truth, no matter how much I plead. "She's not good at lying. I don't see why she would anyway."

"She might be protecting a Glader." Alby remarks, brushing over my comment quickly. "Jeff says the injuries look like they happened last night, but of course he is no doctor."

"When Clint is done with Ella he said he'd look him over." Newt interjects, glancing at me as he said it. "He'll have a better idea than Jeff."

"Until then, see if anybody knows anything from last night," Alby remarks. "I'll talk to people while it's fresh in their minds. Focus attention on the boys who she knows: Dave, Frankie, and Joe. They're all Cooks after all. I'll talk to Minho when he gets back, and Fry-pan too, since they're Keepers and at least friends with her. I trust it you both didn't do this?"

I look at Newt, but of course I know both of us are innocent. Neither Newt nor I have it in us to incite that kind of hatred. Being angry is one thing, but manifesting it is another.

"If that settles it, we will start there." Alby opens the door behind him, turning to head out. "Make sure to focus extra attention on Michelle. She's the only person who has a definite history of violence who knows Dawn well. Don't talk to her, but ask around. Let me handle her personally."

I stand up, knowing full well we are about to start another witch-hunt.

~~~~~~~

There is a lot to unpack here. Dawn's withdrawl, Newt's confession, Alby's hunt, Leo's secret, and even just Leo's psyche. Who are you most sympathetic towards here? What is truly going on?

I'll see you soon in Dawn and Begging