Brooding

Free Mind Cipher

Yet another "letting lose" of dark, toxic, annoying thoughts that are attacking me. I'm especially bad tonight with a few reasons why, the first is unknown to me. Anything I say here is done without much forethought for consequences, nor sorted through very well to make sense and be logical, so if you read it and get mad or confused, it's just because this is raw emotion. No apologies.

My mind is fucked right now so let's see why. Fighting with my girlfriend, kind of? She's dealing with something that is going to stress the fuck out of her and hurt her and she doesn't care, she just deals with it anyway without help and without complaining or talking to me about it or anything. Which is great and admirable and I admire her strength of course, but sometimes she's too independent where she forgets that we're in this together. I know she cares about me and all but it's times like these where I feel like she doesn't trust me or doesn't really believe I'm here for her. And of course she could say "Well it's just something I need to do on my own" and that's fair, but she's been hurt too much and too often by others to believe that I'm actually there for her. That I love and care about her and want nothing more than to help. And I understand that I can't always help and I can accept that, but I don't know what's expected of me when I tell her like "hey this isn't a good idea and i KNOW you know it isn't a good idea because you've mentioned similar situations and agreed that it's stupid then but you insist on keeping it here and I'm not trying to be offensive or hurtful but this isn't smart" and I get the equivalent of "I don't care what you think, fuck off". What do I do then? Just not talk to her until something else comes up I guess, I dunno. It's awkward and I'm still kinda pissed about it and I don't like that because I love her. I love her love her love her and it's a strange feeling and difficult to reconcile that as a piece of reality but it is. It simply is and I don't know what to do. But if this is a trend, I can't work with it. No one can work with someone who just shuts them out completely. And I know it won't be a trend, so long as I bring it to attention. I don't want there to be something we can't work out, we're so much better than that.

I'm so goddamn frustrated, angry, sad, and horny. I haven't taken care of myself (masturbated) in about five days and I've been extra depressed so I've needed some kind of frustration release even worse without an outlet for it. I'm depriving myself on purpose, as to make sure I'm healthy sex-wise, so I'm restarting myself. It'll take about three months of proper training to make sure I'm working fine. That said, I've been too busy working out, too frustrated meditation, too bored for doing things I'm good at and not motivated enough to learn something new. I'm just stuck in a rut and can't deal with it sexually which is the only other way to do so. And of course the one person I could trust to talk about it is gone for now because she'd rather deal with her ex than me. And no that isn't fair because his situation is more pressing of course, but I'm angry so fuck it. I'm just alone. I'm alone alone alone alone alone and yesterday I started to feel it and I was able to combat it, said I was fine, toughed it out and got better. I didn't have enough strength today. I was too weak today. And now everyone is gone and it's just me. It's just me and no one is here to help, nor listen, nor care. It's just me. 

Also she doesn't talk about sex ever, because she doesn't see the point, when I've kinda dropped hints there is a point. Of course I should be more straightforward about it, but I just can't yet. I'm so insecure in that department like it's ridiculous. I don't know what I am or how I am or how good I am, generally and comparatively and like FUCK I'm just insecure as shit and sooooo fucking paranoid and I hate it. I just want some fucking validation, why is that so difficult? I've said that and yet, gotten none., not even a hint or anything of the sort. Whatever.

I had a great deal more to saw, but once I finished writing  all about her, let's call her Q, it's gone away. My head is much more clear and devoid of anger, of chaos. 

Lastly, do not misunderstand me. I love Q. More than anyone that I ever have. These are mostly isolated incidents and not reflective of us. I do love her. Just extremely frustrated after one bad day. One very bad day. I will recover. 

This would be so much easier if I actually had someone to talk to.