Newt Imagines

Confessions P2 - "No, you don't."

Newt's POV

"I... I love you, y/n." I finally announce.

My heart pounds, waiting for her response, desperately wishing she felt the same way. I keep my eyes on her soft hands, delicately held in mine, terrified to meet her eyes and find rejection.

When her response doesn't come immediately, my heart grows heavy. My stomach churns, my head spinning, rushing for ideas, for someone to blame.

"No," she whispers finally.

•••

No?
Thomas had told me... he'd said she liked me back. But this wasn't his fault. This was all mine. I wasn't good enough for her, and I'd always known that. I was stupid for thinking she'd return my feelings, of course she didn't. She was perfect, and I was... Newt.

"No, you don't." She whispers.

I don't? I don't what? What does she mean? I'm not who she wants? I don't mean to her what she means to me? I don't what?
Eventually, the unbearable pain of her vague answers surpasses my fear of rejection, and I force myself to hesitantly look up to her face.

She is facing away from me, her soft beautiful hair cascading over her face, causing the flickering light of the fire to cast deep shadows, hiding her true expression.

"(Y/n)?" I press gently, my thin fingers tucking a section of her hair behind her ear, allowing me to see her face.

I'd expected to see her scowl at me, to find a hatred in her eyes, or an expression of disgust at the thought of my love. But what I see instead is much worse.
Her (y/e/c) eyes are dark and fixed on the floor, not daring to return my gaze. Her cheeks are stained with silent tears, with more glistening in her eyes, threatening to fall. How long she'd been crying, I couldn't know. She's not angry... she's sad. Seeing her this way shatters my heart, and I feel my own features droop in response, as if all the happiness in my body had escaped with the last flicker of hope. My confession had upset her, which somehow hurts even more than the knowledge that my love is unrequited.

"Oh shuck..." I whisper, my hand frozen behind her ear, trembling with the realization of the pain I've just caused her.

"No, Newt." She finally looks up, managing to crush my heart even more as her broken eyes meet mine. "You don't love me."

"I..." I stutter, stunned by her disbelief. "Y/n! How can you say that? Please! I've been in love with you for so long, and every day I spend with you just makes it stronger. I love everything about you: your beautiful smile and ability to make my days brighter just through the sound of your voice; your stubborn slinthead attitude toward even the smallest of tasks; the unmistakable glimmer in your eyes when you're lost in thought; the way you curl your fingers around your hair when you're nervous... I bloody love everything, y/n!" I speak softly, careful not to upset her; but even I can hear the strain in my voice.

"Newt..." she sighs, closing her eyes slowly. "Please listen to me. You don't love me."

"No, y/n!" I plead. I've lost all hope of her loving me back, that's impossible now. I just want her to know how important she is to me. I don't understand why she doesn't believe that I love her.
"You need to listen to me. I love you. I really, really, love you." I hesitate as I watch a tear trickle down her cheek, released by her now-open eyes.
"I just... I need you to understand that. It's okay if you don't feel the same way, it's fine. I just... you're worth it, y/n. You're worth knowing how loved you are, how special you are. I'm sorry, if what I'm saying hurts you, but I need you to know. You can choose to ignore it, and we can stay friends, or you can ignore me, or anything you want. I just... I bloody love you." I hold my breath, partially trying to stop myself from rambling, and partially to stop myself from crying.

"That's not the problem, Newt," she says. "You're not the problem. My own feelings aren't even the problem."

I make the mistake of allowing my hopes to soar once again. If her feelings aren't a problem, does that mean she likes me back? A separate, much less optimistic, voice in my head attacks my hopes immediately. There still is a bloody problem. I don't know what it is, but it's there. As if sensing my confusion, she continues explaining.

"There's so many boys in the maze, that when I fall in love it really counts. It means something. But for you guys... I'm the only female option. There's no choice. You don't love me, Newt. I'm just convenient. You say I'm special, but I'm really not. I'm just... here." She pauses, slipping her hands shakily from my hold.
"You think you love me, because before me you didn't have the option to love. Anyone can see that. It doesn't even matter who I am, because I'm just a girl. Loving me is empty. It doesn't matter."

"That's not true, y/n!" I try to explain, my voice cracking as I say her name. "It's you. It's always going to be you. There could be a billion girls in this bloody glade, and it would still be you. I don't need choices, or even my memory, to tell me that."

She stand up slowly, wiping her eyes. Glancing back at the other gladers mucking around the fire, she eventually returns her gaze to me. "I wish you meant that, Newt."

She turns to walk away, but I quickly jump to my feet, reaching for her hand and stopping her in her tracks. My touch causes her to turn around, looking tiredly into my eyes.

"Do you love me?" I find myself asking her.

"Does it even matter?" She replies with a sigh, before turning sharply away and rushing off to the homestead.

I helplessly watch her leave, my fingers still tingling from her touch. My heart aches, telling me to run after her, but it's useless. She doesn't even believe me. I feel my own eyes well up with tears, but hold them back knowing the boys will see me. I glance back to the bonfire, making sure none of them noticed her exit.

I see Gally arguing with Alby, and Chuck mucking around with Frypan. My gaze rotates to Winston, who is leaning up against a log, dazed with an empty bottle of Gally's secret drink. I smirk, at least no one witnessed my torture. That is, until my eyes meet with those of Tommy. He looks at me hopefully, but his expression immediately falls when he sees the tears in my eyes. My head drops; I shucked up all my chances with her. 

•••

Ahhh! Part 3?