Hold Me (Reddie)

We Cannot Win This War

They all took their bows and Sonia Kaspbrak clapped. Everything was fine, great, exceptional, except for the Richie. Eddie knew Richie was upset. Mad, maybe scared, possibly furious. Eddie couldn't even blame him for being so. All he could do was smile as his mother called him charming, and then walk back to the Barrens with his friends. Richie finally spoke up when they were a good while away from the Kaspbrak home.

"You're falling in love with me?" He yelled, startling Eddie and all the kids behind them. "What the fuck, Eddie? You aren't falling in love, okay, you're stupid. You're really stupid for believing that."

"What?" Eddie couldn't believe what he was hearing. It was like a dream, a bad dream, a nightmare. "You're joking, right?"

"What? No! Eddie, you can't believe you're falling in love with me, okay? That's stupid, that's awful, and maybe if it's what you believe then you shouldn't be hanging out with me. I didn't think your feelings would go this far." Eddie felt the first set of tears forming in his eyes, and looked away so Richie wouldn't see. Everyone was staring at them. He felt his throat closing up again, but he knew he'd survive.

"What about you liking me? What was that?" Eddie started sobbing. The tears weren't quiet, they were heavy sobs with tiny, broken breaths in between.

"Just shut up, okay? I said no, I said it was stupid, we aren't doing that bullshit anymore." Before Eddie could say anything else, he felt two arms around him. It was Stan. He was holding him as he cried. Everyone had stopped walking except for Richie, who went on alone, angry, and off.

"Eddie, do you need the inhaler?" Stan asked quietly. Eddie couldn't speak. He couldn't breathe. He just nodded slightly, and Stan had placed it in his mouth and pulled the trigger. The breathing returned like normal after that, but the crying didn't stop. It wouldn't stop.

"He's gone," Eddie muttered, pushing Stan away from him. "Why'd he leave? He told me he liked me. When you like someone you don't walk away from them!" He was sobbing, crying, and not just crying. Ugly, painful crying, like a kid whose dog died.

"I don't know," Beverly responded. Mike, Bill and her were now all trying to comfort him too. He didn't want anything from them. He wanted Richie. He wanted Richie to run back and apologize and say he was the stupid one and kiss him and say that he was falling in love too. Instead Richie was gone. Gone, gone, fucking gone!

"It's not fair, it's not fucking fair, and don't you dare say it is because it's not! He's gone! He's gone!" Eddie Kaspbrak then fell onto the pavement, broken, emotional, and discarded.

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Stan brought Eddie back to his house with Mike. His dad wasn't home, which wasn't uncommon in the Uris house, since he was out working a lot. His mother was at his kitchen table, reading a book through her thin glasses. She seemed to be content, too bad her son strolled in with a weeping little boy.

"Stanley, what's going on?" Mrs. Uris cried, standing up. She ran over to Eddie, who was blushing and embarrassed. Eddie shot a very specific look to Stan. It was a look the kids used a lot. A look Eddie called the 'you better not tell the truth' look.

"He, uh, his grandfather passed away," Stan lied awkwardly. Mike was standing on Eddie's other side casually, silently, but still holding the frail boy like his life depended on it. I have good friends. Why didn't Richie want me? Why did he run away from me?

"Oh my goodness, that's tragic!" Mrs. Uris screamed. "I won't bombard you, Edward, but if there is anything my family can do to make this time easier for you, just say so."

"I think he just wants to go to Stan's room," Mike informed her. "He's still a little shocked. He needs to sit down." Mrs. Uris nodded and went back to her book at her table, drinking her herbal tea, while her son and Mike Hanlon carried Eddie up the stairs to the annoyingly neat Stan's bedroom. Eddie sat on the bed, wheezing a little bit, but still stubborn not to use the aspirator. He didn't need it. He would survive without it. He wasn't weak. We can get through anything. Fuck that! Fuck the annoying lies, the false sense of hope, the way Richie felt when he embraced Eddie. Fuck it all, it was all over, and now reality was back and worse than ever. Eddie couldn't get through anything. He wasn't strong. He was weak. He couldn't get through anything, not a single thing! Not without Richie.

"I'm gonna kill that fucking kid," Mike yelled, slamming the bedroom door. "Don't mean to swear, but he's disgusting me right now. Fucking Tozier. Never thought he'd do that to Ed. He wouldn't. He couldn't!"

"But he did."

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After spending all day in the Uris house, Eddie headed home. He was tired, from crying and the time, and he just wanted to curl into bed and have peaceful dreams and forget. His head felt heavy and his hands felt tingly and numb, like he was going to pass out. As soon as he got home he locked himself in his room and shut off the lights. He changed out of jeans into cotton shorts, and put on an old grey tee shirt. He got all right in his blankets and started to doze off. He never was one to have trouble sleeping. He was always tired by the time bedtime rolled around.

He heard a tapping. A quiet, subtle tapping, like an inconsistent beat of raindrops. But then a voice. "Wake up, Eds! Wake up!" It was Richie Tozier. Richie is outside my window.

Eddie turned over and opened the window, letting Richie crawl in. Thoughts passed, like they always did, including ones like aren't I mad at him and doesn't he hate me, but Eddie just pushed them aside. Richie was sitting on his bed now, smiling wide at him with enthusiasm. "Rich, explain, now. I'm surprised Mike hasn't killed you already."

"To be honest, so am I," Richie joked in a whisper. "Yeah, I'll explain. I had one of those things...what are they called...panic attacks! Yeah, I had one during the play. I couldn't breathe. You said you were falling in love with me and I shut down. Maybe I forgot my manners. I shouldn't have called you stupid and I shouldn't have walked away. I should've taken you to my house and we could've gone sledding and then have a sleepover and I could just pet your hair and hold you, and maybe sometime after you fall asleep I do too. Instead I ran away and broke down myself, hating myself, trying to figure out what the fuck was going on with me. But now I know. I'm falling in love with you too, Eddie."