ASUNDER (I) : tmr newt

45: I'm Open

I think this is her fault, but I just hold Minho. He was lied to by a beautiful girl.

"She thought I didn't love her, and I think it's crazy that I do." He must forget he is talking to me, because he speaks with such candor. Never could I speak to a stranger like that. Only, in some ways we aren't strangers. We speak the same language, and share the same feelings. "But how could I tell her how I feel when she is crying like that?"

I don't know how you tell someone you love them. Personally, I imagine it is the most vulnerable thing you can do. If I were to love someone, I don't know that I could ever say it.

"She isn't crying now," I tell him.

The door creaks open, but neither Minho nor I move from the ground. If they think we are together, then so be it. The danger at the door doesn't matter.

Maybe I'm not a coward. As far as I can tell, I would give up so much for the people I care about. The girls, the Med-jacks, Newt and now Minho, apparently.

"They need you in the Map room." Only Newt's voice sounds as strange as foreign, which solidifies my stance. He would know we aren't together. "Are... Min, are you alright?"

Minho sits up, and my arms drift off of him. "It's these girls, shank."

"Dawn?" Newt asks, and Minho nods.

Newt only stands still, before he sighs. "Dawn."

Minho stands up, and I follow him higher into the air. I am surprised he hugs me, until he whispers in my ear.

"Newt's been worried sick about you."

When Minho pulls back, he winks at me. The boy who I see everyday, may not be as kind as the one who held me while I cried, nor as sweet as the one who sat on the floor with me, but he is fun. I imagine if I ever calmed down, Minho and I would be good friends.

"I'll explain it tonight," he tells Newt. "Right now I've got to make things right."

He leaves the room without another word, which only makes me feel queasy.

"What happened?" Newt asks me.

I sigh. How do I begin to explain how we even got here, let alone what we talked about? Perhaps I'd have to begin when I followed Minho into this room, or when Dawn fought Minho, or when Newt and I caught them, or when I first found the two of them wrapped together.

"Minho and Dawn-"

"I meant to you."

Me? I look at him, feeling my pulse quicken in the back of my throat. Since when was this about me?

"You've been distant since Ella had the seizure. Are you alright?"

"She woke up," I tell him. "She's being quarantined until we can figure out why she keeps collapsing."

He shakes his head, but doesn't smile. "Leo, shank, that doesn't tell me what happened to you. How have you been holding up?"

"Okay," I tell him. "I think Michelle might have gotten into another fight yesterday, and Dawn has been distant, but it's fine now."

"You need to worry about yourself too." He tells me. "It can't just be about everyone else all the time."

That's the only way I know it. The thing is, I don't know if I have much value outside of others. I'm a Med-jack to help people who can't help themselves. It is my responsibility to protect them from themselves. Fine is my middle name. I don't know how to not be fine.

It's not even that I must be fine, and that I am not as important as others, but that I love to provide aid. As long as someone needs me, I will be there for them. I don't have time to worry about myself when I have responsibilities to others.

"Have you ever loved someone?" I'm not sure where it comes from, but I wait for his answer.

"Many times over," he tells me.

"Who?" I ask.

"Minho, Nick (who you wouldn't know), Frypan, I guess there are more but it's hard to think off of the top of my head."

I'm surprised he doesn't list Alby, since the two are thick as thieves. When Newt isn't working in the Gardens or checking in with the Med-jacks, he is practically glued to Alby's hip.

"But have you ever loved someone like Minho loved someone?" I ask.

"What does this have to do with anything?" He asks, peering at me awkwardly.

I shrug, "I just can't figure out how to love others and myself at the same time."

For a second, I think Newt is going to reach for me, but like always, he doesn't get any closer than arm's length away.

"I haven't either."

~~~~

I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me.

Here, you go!

I'll see you soon, in Dawn and Violence.