The Sun Will Change

Before the Sun

Do you ever wish you could just go back to before? When it was easier, when relationships didn't matter, when you could be friends with who you wanted and when your popularity didn't matter. If you think about it, there has always been a slight degree of all these things. From your first day or school to your last, these things have stuck with you.

And suddenly that guy you've been best friends with since primary school must be your boyfriend because, what else could he be? That girl who you've known since you were walking around in tutus in when you were toddlers hates you because you don't act the same way as her.

And these thoughts of cutting, depression and suicide never existed when you were a child. When you weren't afraid of being judged by everyone you meet. When you weren't so self-conscious you were scared to cone to school somedays. These things never occured to you because you didn't care what they thought. You never realised you could care.

And then one day, you woke up to all this. It just occurred to you. You learnt about these fears that could control you. You learnt about the things that could break you. You learnt about the things that could destroy you. And what's more, you let them. You let them effect you until there was no more of old you. No more little girl in a tutu and tiara now. No more "that boy is just my friend". No, that you disappeared overnight.

And think about your parents during all things. They're little girl, the child they've raised, is gone. And replaced is a teenage mess, filled with angst and worry that was then taken out on your family. How they suddenly wished they could have the old you back, how they tried their hardest to make you do the things they thought you loved. But all that was gone. Suddenly your best friend (whether it is a guy or a girl) is beautiful. Suddenly, you think you're in love with them. Unfortunately for you, they don't love you back until you're both drunk at a party on a Friday night.

Then they're all over you. Kissing you, telling you things that are all just lies, drunken promises made after multiple drinks. You think they're in love with you, why else would they be grinding against you at the party, leading you to a spare room in the host's mansion, telling you things they will do to you.

What you think is love will be turned against you the next day. The next day when, at school, you discover your "best friend" took advantage of your drunken, unfit state and posted it online.

Dear diary, I've made so many mistakes and learnt so much. I don't want to be distracted by other people anymore. I just want to finish my school life. Can I do this without messing everything up again?