High Country Christmas

Chapter Twenty- Too Hard To Face

Sascha

I felt tired and deflated.  Being away from Tall Peaks Station during the summer just felt wrong.

I just had to get away though.  The emotional roller coaster I had been on recently was something that I couldn't share with anyone, most certainly not Leah, although I know she guesed something was up when I went to her the day after Ali's announcement to stay.  I asked if I could briefly pop across to Arrowtown to see a friend who was visiting the area. She didn't hesitate, hugging me tight as I left after serving breakfast, with instructions to ring in each day, to let her know how I was doing.

I had seen Shelly last night and planned to spend the next couple of days simply wandering the streets of vintage Arrowtown, and the area that I loved.  Seeing Shelly had been pure co-incidence.  She was an old school friend, and I had noticed on facebook that she was on holiday in the area and arranged to meet.  We shared a drink and a laugh, and then went our separate ways.  My mind was full of all that had happened and I wasn't sure where I was at emotionally.  I often felt close to tears, and I knew that I needed to get a grip on myself before I returned to the station.  

I wandered off the  footpath under the shade of a beautiful oak tree, the faint sounds of live jazz music drifted from a local bar, and my Bengers Gold, local specialty drink, in hand.

 When Ali had met me on the foreshore yesterday I couldn't help the way I reacted to him walking towards me.  I felt this pull to him, and just wanted to forget the drama of the day and run my hands up his toned arms, and feel at home.  He was smiling at me, and I could hear what he was saying, but I couldn't join in with the excitement.  I had smiled and nodded, but part of my heart had to hide away, so noboby would know quite how deeply he had hurt me.

Ali had been so ready to walk away from what we had. Just then, as I was remembering, a family group wandered into the park behind me, laughing and carefree.  My heart ached with the feeling of loss.  It made me angry to have fallen so quickly into believing that Ali felt for me, anything near as much as I felt for him.  

I guess I had let myself start to think beyond summer, beyond mere physical attraction, and believe that we shared a connection. But the morning that I had found him packing, all full of anger and righteous indignation about keeping Thea safe, and leaving, I had lost a part of me.  I could feel the pain enter me, and I couldn't shake it.  

I know it went back to the first time Mum and Dad left Queenstown on an 'important' overseas trip.  It was so important that they needed to leave me behind, and find somewhere for me to stay behind for the summer. How could parents do that?  The sense of betrayal I felt then had rushed back with the same overwhelming hurt when Ali said he was off.  No mention of 'us', aside from a crude remark that he wouldn't be able to follow through on summer 'fun'.

I couldn't hold back the tears and started to cry, a gentle shoulder shaking rumble at first, but I realised it had grown to more than that when an elderly lady and her husband approached me to check if I was ok.  When I assured them I was they continued down the footpath uncertainly, but I realised that I needed to make a plan. Pulling myself together, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand and placing the now empty bottle in a nearby rubbish bin, I made my way back to the small four wheel drive.  Leah had pressed me to make use of their car and house in Queenstown, I was grateful, as I hadn't thought as far as accomodation.

The day had passed with me moving from one picturesque location to another, pulling over in roadside look outs, and tourist spots, simply to slow down and think.  I had moved passed the grief of it all, and had decided to look at the positives.  As much as it hurt, I knew that I had to return to the station, with Daniels generous gift of a mare for christmas I had the excitement of a new venture to begin.  Breed some beautiful horses and start the trekking business that would add to all the station had to offer to tourists.  Regardless of how hurt I felt about Ali being able to drop me so quickly and easily, Leah and Daniel were really the centre of my world, my heart would heal.  From experience I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I knew it would happen.