quondam √ h.s.

remember it all?

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you never knew how many times i cried until i could no longer breathe. however, one day you happened to come home while i was dissipating with every tear that fell and sob that escaped my lips. you came rushing over and tried to hold me, but i pushed you off. that was the biggest fight we had ever had. so much yelling, and hurt being thrown around.

how did it feel to tell me what i had always known? i knew i clearly wasn't enough, but hearing it from the voice i adored more than my favorite symphony shattered my soul.

how did it feel to diminish my spirit with every venomous word you spit? i never thought of myself so lowly until the words came from your lips.

it wasn't all you. i said plenty of hurtful things as well, and i apologize. harry, i think we can both agree that the escalation was both of our faults. i never knew we could be so cruel.

but harry i loved you so much, and instead of allowing me to be apart of your ocean to experience the calm, you made me a victim of the unforgiving waves that crashed down on me with every hurtful word you spoke.

in a way, i don't think you meant it. thinking about it now, it seems as if you said everything to push me away. congratulations, harry.

i don't remember what was said when i collapsed on the ground and shouted at you to leave, just so i could be alone and pick up my shattered soul. harry, why did your eyes soften and why did you pick me up and pull me into your chest to soak your shirt with my tears? i remember hitting your chest repeatedly wanting nothing more than for everything to end. i loved you so much, i couldn't believe i let you hold me.

you kissed my head and you had tears falling as well. i packed a bag and went to my dad's house.

harry, was that kiss your unofficial way of saying goodbye? were those the tears falling free from the barrier you put up as you knew you would leave me?

i came back a week and a half later to an apartment of my own. you had cleared out all of your belongings, so i knew it was over. there went my best friend and lover all at once even though i lost him long ago.

i cried for so long, and getting out of bed seemed impossible. i missed you, and despite all of the pain you caused in all the years we were together, i loved you.

i thought of you every day and wished you nothing but happiness. if only i could have found that for myself sooner. it took a while, but slowly i found myself. how were you?

work was going great for me, and i found a best friend in a lovely woman i worked closely with. i didn't feel so lonely anymore because soon enough i was smiling with others and remembering what it was like to be without you.

even though my father hugged me to comfort me when i lost you, i knew he was happy. so was i. harry, how could something so toxic have lasted so long? we were only holding on by the thread of my love, so how did it not come apart sooner?

harry, it's been an entire year since you left. i heard you're absolutely successful in your field, and your company is really taking off. i'm glad you have the world in your hands, but do you have another in your arms to keep you from being alone? i hope you do because nobody deserves to be alone.

so, harry, how did you do it?

how did you lie from your eyes and drag me away from a night of loneliness into many years of it?

harry, why did you bother and how could nobody ever really know you?

where did the words you were so good with go and how did it feel to watch me drown instead of help me float?

why couldn't we have a conversation in the car about the game you seemed to play with me and why did loving you screw with my mind?

did the guilt ever eat away at you, and also how were they?

do you drown people you care about and dance around the truth with them?

when you picked up your wallet did you get a little more than that and feel the nauseating, heart wrenching, unbearable guilt suffocating you?

what was it like to say 'i love you' in the midst of an apology and use it as bait for more torment?

were the stares of your colleagues filled with pity aimed at me while you dangled the possibility of love in front of me?

i ran into liam a month ago. he called you a 'dumb-fuck' and said that you had completely shut everyone out. he said it was probably because of our breakup. harry, is that true? not the part about being a dumb-fuck because we know you are, but the part about shutting everyone out. you shouldn't do that.

harry styles, i wish you the best as your former best friend and lover.

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a/n: epilogue is left :)