quondam √ h.s.

remember the good times?

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i used to find myself thinking about the times that we would be in the car and you would tell me about your day, or we would shout the lyrics to songs at the top of our lungs. i loved you, harry, but still when i said it you would only kiss me.

i had to come up with an excuse for you. i began to tell myself "he loves you, and his kisses are his way of telling you that." i was foolish, wasn't i?

we were on our way to my mother's house, and i felt content. how could i not? i was blind, and in love. harry, we had so many conversations in the car, why couldn't one of them be about the game you seemed to be playing with me?

but nevertheless, i was happy. i was so happy just to be with you and hear your soft hums in the morning while you put your business suit on and looked over your shoulder to wink at me.

harry, did you mean it when you said i was your entire world? were you being honest when you said you never wanted to be without me?

i believed you, and it led to thoughts of the future. sometimes even you would talk about our future. you wanted three kids, and a dog. is that still what you want, but with somebody else? it's okay.

waking up with your arms lazily draped around me left my body tingling, and when you would be cheeky my laughter filled the air before it transitioned into moans. was that the fuel for your choices?

harry, you were so sweet and really seemed too good to be true. i felt like i didn't deserve you. from the time we met i knew you were someone that would change my life. couldn't you have warned me about the change?

harry, i loved you so much it ached my chest to think of not being yours anymore. when you said my name i swore i heard it in your voice. you loved me, you had to. when your arms snaked around my waist i felt it. you had to have felt it too, and i would say i saw it in your eyes, but you were always good at lying through them.

but yet again, when i would verbally express my love, you returned it with a kiss on my lips and kissed the doubts away from my pretty little foolish head. see, i was lonely before i met you, but i think you were even more lonely.

i was cooking dinner and you waltzed through the front door. you almost made me burn the place down with your distracting touch and preventative voice. the stench lingered for days, do you remember? i do. when i smell something burning i'm instantly brought back. we had to order food, but it was okay.

i fell asleep on the couch, and you had to carry me to bed. you thought i was asleep, but i was awake enough to be aware of everything. you laid me down so gently and kissed my forehead. surely you loved me.

you sent flowers to my work multiple times, and i didn't think i deserved them at the time. looking back, i deserved a whole damn garden of flowers.

harry, why did loving you screw with my mind? why did the good times have to end?