Dazai After The Operation

Part 5

Kunikida was sitting in his room with his head in his hands. He'd been sitting like this ever since yesterday and he was hardly aware of the passage of time. His mind kept replaying that explosion over and over again and each time it made him feel worse. He couldn't believe after everything he tried to do, those children still died because of him.

If only Dazai hadn't had got shot.

If only I had been quicker.

If only I hadn't taken out my notebook.

The notebook, that was the source of his anguish and despair. That notebook held all of his ideals that he had just gone against. He let someone die in front of him and he could never forgive himself for that. He clenched his fists, grabbing handfuls of hair in the process, and curled himself up into a tighter ball. Not uttering a single sound. He didn't know how he could ever face anyone again, least of all the members of the Agency who he was always telling about his ideals, especially Dazai.

That name sparked something in his barely functioning brain. What was it about Dazai that he was trying to remember? He couldn't remember, it mustn't have been that important then. It was only when he stopped thinking about it that it came to him.

Dazai has disappeared.

As much as he hated Dazai, he was a valuable member of the Agency and he should go and help the search. He couldn't bring himself to go, though. Instead, he just sat there willing himself to forget everything that had happened.

A while later, the answer phone kicked in again telling him in Tanizaki's cheerful voice that they'd found Dazai and that he was alright and resting in the hospital. At this point, he didn't even care. After the recent discovery that Dazai had come from the Port Mafia, he had no right to go and see him at the hospital.

It was only now that Kunikida realised that suicide could sometimes sound quite appealing and, as much as he hated himself for thinking this, he understood why Dazai might want to commit suicide. He also began to realise what might be going through Dazai's head if he was constantly trying to commit suicide at every opportunity. He almost, not quite, but almost began to respect Dazai for living with this every day. He almost wanted to ask Dazai about it, but another wave of guilt washed over him and he began to shake uncontrollably again.

That was the worst part, the way it began to fade only to have it rekindled moments later. It was dark in his room, despite it being daytime and although he could tell whether it was day or night, he had no clue what time it was. He wasn't sure exactly how long he had been sitting in this same position but he didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore.

Another two days went by and at least a dozen messages were played out on the answer phone, mostly by Tanizaki or another member of the Agency but it was the last one that made him really listen. It was from Dazai.

Hi, Kunikida-kun! I haven't seen you for a while, are you still moping? You can't be having a worse time than me right now no matter what you say. I was this close, this close to actually dying, then Ranpo spoiled it and told everyone where I was. Then the surgery went well despite my subconscious doing everything it could to make the surgery go wrong and here I am well on the way to recovering. What a disappointment! Anyway, I'm sure the Agency is in chaos without you there so get your act together and get back to annoying the hell out of everybody with your unrealistic and pointless ideals that you care so much about. Oh, it looks like the nurse is here, she's a really pretty one this time. I wonder if she's interested in a double suicide, I'm sure she could get something lethal for us if I ask nicely enough. Catch ya later!

He didn't know that it was but something in Dazai's voice made Kunikida lift his head up and look at the phone. Something about Dazai's message resonated with him, despite him never agreeing with Dazai about anything except plans of action, and even that wasn't always.

Dazai was moaning about the nurse refusing to get him something lethal and threatening to make him get his head examined when Kunikida entered the room.

"Ah, Kunikida-kun! You came!" Dazai said in his usual bright, cheery voice. Kunikida, however, just sat down in the chair next to his bed.

"I need to talk to you," Kunikida said hesitantly.

"Of course you do! If you didn't want to speak to me you wouldn't have come here. But I knew you would, that's why I persuaded them to let you in despite it not being visiting hours."

"About your message..." Kunikida continued, ignoring him. "...I...you said my ideals were unrealistic..."

"Well, obviously they're unrealistic. I'm surprised you don't understand that considering the number of times you haven't been able to stick to that damn schedule of yours." Dazai cut across him, still in that lighthearted tone that he always used around Kunikida.

"I had six children...die...right in front of my eyes...and I...I didn't do anything...I could have saved them..."

"Don't be ridiculous." Dazai's voice was serious now. "No matter how hard you try...you can never save everyone."

Kunikida looked up at that. He'd never seen Dazai like this before, despite having worked with him for two years.

"But-"

"But what? But my ideals say I can't let anyone die in front of me? How realistic do you think that really is? Think about your job. It's obvious that somewhere along the line you will have to watch someone die, whether you like it or not." Dazai was speaking quite forcefully at Kunikida but now his voice became unusually quiet and soft. "Everyone who gets involved with things like this is bound to see people die. You're just lucky it wasn't someone you knew."

"Dazai..." Kunikida wasn't sure what to say. Something about Dazai was different and he didn't feel it was right to argue back like he usually did.

"No one's perfect, Kunikida, and you're bound to make mistakes like any other human being. Just remember that next time something doesn't go according to those ideals. They're guidelines, not rules that have to be followed at all costs, or you may as well go kill yourself. And anyway, without you shouting every time you're five seconds late, the Agency probably would never get organised enough to achieve anything big."

Kunikida was a bit surprised at the sincerity in Dazai's voice. It was as if he was actually trying to give him genuine advice and encouragement.

"Oh, do you want this food? It was accidentally sent to me but I'm not allowed to eat anything yet. I'm sure that nurse sent it to me on purpose to make me suffer, though. Ahhh I'm so hungryyy." Dazai had reverted back to his usual, annoying self. It didn't look that appetising but Kunikida hadn't eaten anything for the past three days so he ate it anyway. He then saw an opportunity to get back at Dazai.

"You know, Dazai, this hospital food isn't half bad. In fact, it's quite nice." He said, swallowing another mouthful. Dazai groaned and pleaded for him to stop but Kunikida was ruthless. Even when Dazai questioned if this was compatible with his ideals he just threw Dazai's words right back at him with you said that my ideals were only guidelines.

"I underestimated how cruel you could be, Kunikida-kun," Dazai groaned as he was forced to watch him finish off the last of the meal.

"It's your fault and you know it." Kunikida stood up and adjusted his glasses before getting ready to leave. Before he moved, however, he asked Dazai one more thing.

"How do you do it?"

"How do I do what?"

"The suicide thing."

"Why would you want to know?"

"...because I tried...but I couldn't..." Kunikida left the room and it became silent.