Casual panic morning
I woke myself up in the morning, next to him. The dark still surrounded me and one second i thought it would be warm and cozy if we did not move, looked up to the ceiling for a while or raised hands to uncertain point and chitchat something interesting.
But we were sleepy af and all he can do was to whisper in my ear:" Lets wake up"
"I don't want to." I said. And in next five minutes if did not move, I would definitely stay at home. Crawling out of the bed, I felt the gastralgia. It was not the huge wave attack of pain like it normally does, it just a little bit gently knocking the door and I had to face it to get out of the apartment. I did not surprise. It might be the result of being anxious and overthinking about what might happen in the future.
Should i take some medical chill pills or just a cup of hot tea which is good for digestion?
Then i found out my vag is suppurated for an un-fucking-known reason. I had mental breakdown for two seconds. Now fuck the gastralgia, i need chill pill.
I ended up the "first aid" stuff with eyes rolling. It took me nearly 30 minutes looked up in the bathroom. It was too much for a morning so I dropped into another stage of mental: feeling nothing. When i feel nothing, I don't give a shit about people, or even myself. I was a bitch in a comfort zone: no swearing, be polite but can take an axe to chop people till death without blinking my eyes.
There is no axe so I chose to be polite.
" You will be late" he said
" Why don't you just go first?" I sat down, took another slice of bread.
"Ok, see ya" he took the key then left.
To be honest, i was piss off a bit. How can he left me here while I was trying my best to finish my breakfast so that the stomachache would not appear again to punch in my face. But showed no emotion. I could be a bitch, but certainly not a basic bitch.
I was alone then, wondered if i still love him like before he loves me. We did not argue, but we had more compromises than ever. I missed his late night conversation, now all he could say it just " i can't think of interesting things" or "im sleepy can we just sleep."
I once thought i could be in love with him forever but I can't stand the boredom that he company with. Our lives seem to be all on that black sheet bed. Might be sex is the only interesting thing and now my vag is suppurating. How suck?
Should i kill people ?
I catch bus to uni. I was not even late. He gleaned at me with surprise which is clear in his eyes.
" So you get here on time. How amazing it is!"
He smiled. I smiled back. How I did is just the same that I did with the flash of camera. I am not sure why I smile, but I automatically did that. To keep the happy moments of life, I guess. So that I smiled for him to remember, cause soon he will leave me just like in this morning.
At least he will have something of mine to remember.
Now I remember why i love him. He makes me smile.
