Guidelines to the Dead Housemate

Rule 12. If I Die Hide My Porn Collection

"What you making me feed us? Do I look like your slave?" I threw two bags of Doritos on the table and walk to the kitchen, grabbing two bowls (because if we tried to share one it would not end well), and tried to evenly distribute the Doritos into both bowls. 

"KINKY," he yelled from the other room, "MARIO KART OR SMASH BROS?" 

"Mario Kart, now go get it." It being the alcohol we need. 

He made a weird noise but stood and marched down the hallway, leaving me to finish setting up the Nintendo 64. 

Where're his parent's you ask? Where's his Dad every Friday? Well I'll tell you. Scott's Mum and Dad split up ages ago, and his Dad got full custody because he -out of the two of them- was the only one with a steady job and a real home for Scott to grow up in. His Dad works as a police officer, and Friday is steak-out night so he usually comes home at about four in the morning on Saturday. 

I also strongly suspect that his dad knows we steal his alcohol every Friday, but he still keeps it in the same place every time we go to look for it. 

***

"Nonononono Zelda's NOT Link's name and YOU KNOW IT!"

"HE MIGHT AS WELL CHANGE IT everyone keeps calling him that so WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT, HUH? TELL ME THAT!" 

"A GUY CAN ONLY BE CALLED ZELDA SO MANY TIMES BEFORE HE SNAPS."

"YOU GOT THAT OFF THE INTERNET!"

"SO SUE ME! YOU STEAL ALL MY JOKES WHY CAN'T I STEAL THEM FIRST!?"

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"

"SHUT UP JAMIE!"

"NO SCOTT YOU SHUT UP!"

The 'conversation' then degraded into a name-calling session. In which I won because of my extremely colourful vocabulary, and because I won I got to play Zelda and Scott got to sit there with his arms crossed and try to side-seat-play the game. 

Oh and I forgot to mention; we were both drunk off our faces. 

After almost another hour of us doing shots every time someone told Link that he was special or asked him to do a job, I had the greatest idea ever. "SCOTT I HAVE A SECRET TO TELL YOU!"

He giggled for a solid minute, almost falling off the couch, "D-du-dude MAY-be-be y-you shhhhhould not shhhhout?" 

I giggled too, "Ohhhh, yeah silly me," only fit of giggles led to me shouting "PUT ON YOUR SERIOUS FACE." 

He pinched his lips together and looked at me while I held back the next giggle attack, "I hunt monsters." 

He burst out with laughter, "You do not!"

I shot up from the couch and swayed for a second, trying to stop the mass-stabbing going on in my head, "I DO TOO! I can prove it! TOO THE JEEP!"

Then we were outside, looking in the compartment in the boot where I keep the weapons. 

Scott looked at me funny, "Jimmy WHY do you have all these in here?"

"I TOLD YOU, I hunt monsters! I can prove it!" 

And that's how we ended up at the cemetery, armed with silver steaks and holy water and hunting for vampires. 

To become actual vampires, they have be drained of blood after being bitten and then have to drink the blood of vampire, then they have to be buried and claw their way out. Sort of like a right of passage for them. It ensures survival of the fittest.