Sekretua

avenir

K•D
—
Dear Future Me,

I hope you're happy, happier than you were at 18. That each day you don't have that horrible heaviness weighing you down. The burden no one knows about, the darkness no one knows you've carried with you since you were a thirteen year old girl.

I hope you can forget, I pray to God you've learned to let go. I know you're going to always be fighting to move forward, because I know you. Because right now, your 18 year old self is a damn mess. She's hurting and no one knows it, she's breaking and she's afraid she can't be fixed. She's lost and she's beginning to believe the lie that there's no way out. She knows one one is going to save her, but she can't seem to save herself.

I hope by now, whenever you're reading this, you finally feel loved. I hope you have learned to feel worthy of love and happiness. I hope you don't feel forgotten and alone. I hope you feel nothing I feel now.

I would also like to tell you I'm trying, God, I'm trying. I want you to know I get up even when I feel like I'm no use to this world. I want you to know I'm fighting the darkness, I'm trying to live and be happy even as the demons inside try to hold me in their Hell. I'm trying to let go and be happy for people even though seeing them feels like a punch in the gut. I'm trying everday to not be bitter towards those who hurt me, I try to understand and not talk down.

I have to be honest though, I'm failing almost everyday. I get up out of bed but I walk through the day unable to live like I'm alive. I often can't seem to find the strength to fight those demons and I let them engulf me, even as I tell myself I have to fight. I try to be happy for all those people but I hear their name and my stomach knots up. They don't even know it but it hurts, it hurts more than it should. I try not to be bitter but I am, because why am I never good enough? So I'd like to leave it at "I'm trying" but that wouldn't be the truth, the truth is I'm trying, but everytime I get up to try, I end up flat on my face.

To my future self, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the baggage and hurt I've given you to carry. I'm so sorry I haven't done better. That I've let myself hurt so badly that I'm scared of every move I make, every breath I try to take. I'm sorry for the emotional damage I can't seem to escape. I'm sorry I didn't do better, I'm sorry for how badly I've messed up.

Dear future self, I'm sorry - and good luck.

-Your 18 Year Old  Self