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The Sperm Donor and Friend

For some reason, I always waited until someone was drinking to tell them something surprising or bad so I can watch them choke or spit or whatever.

Did that make me a bad person?

Maybe.

Was it kind of funny seeing them sputter and choke?

Definitely.

"So I was wondering..." I began, stretching my words while Eric sat in front of me as I eyed his hand that was reaching for his mug while he busied himself with his laptop.

"What's up," he muttered, probably half paying attention to me as he took a sip of his coffee.

"Can I borrow your sperm?" I finally asked.

"Sure," Eric automatically responded, typing  rapidly on his keyboard with one hand while the other held his drink as I sat there, knowing he hadn't processed what I just asked of him yet.

I placed my chin in the palm of my hand and brought my hand up, waiting while he kept his eyes glued to his screen.

"Three, two, one-" I counted off, bringing down my pointer finger right as Eric snapped out of his work mode and choked on his drink, blinking and flinching at the coffee that dribbled down his chin as he gaped at me.

"You wanna borrow my what now?" Eric sputtered out in disbelief, trying to clean up the mess he made as I smiled.

"Your sperm." I repeated.

He paused momentarily just to look at me, to fully observe me and probably checking every aspect of my face to my body to make sure I wasn't high.

"I know the first thing I should be addressing is the fact that we're best friends and anything more than a hug or awkward boob touch here and there would be considered incest, despite me being white and you being Indian." Eric began to explain, leaning back in his seat and resting his arm on the back of his chair as he nodded at me to which I pursed my lips in agreement.

He wasn't wrong.

"But you do know the concept of borrowing something is to use it and then return it back to the previous owner right?" Eric clarified with an abundant amount of gestures, giving me a look before I nodded solemnly.

"Um, I don't want my sperm returned, I have quite enough-"

"Exactly so you can spare your best friend some." I interrupted him with a hopeful look as he stared at me like I was insane.

Which was typically the usual look he gave me.

A moment of silence washed over the two of us with Eric intensely examining me with a flicker of his blue eyes before he spoke.

"Are you high?" He finally asked in speculation.

"What no-"

"You're so high right now." He insisted with a slump of his shoulders.

"No, I'm not," I corrected him, grabbing my own mug of coffee on my side.

"You and I both know I've been trying to get a kid for a while and you know what, I don't even know any of these sperm donors.
Nothing, absolutely nothing." I said with a small slam of my palm against the table.

"I mean... I think that was kinda the point-" Eric deadpanned.

"The point is good sir, your sperm would have the absolute honor-"

"I'm leaving." Eric began to pack his things.

"-the absolute honor of fertilizing my egg." I finished, pointing at him with a smirk before leaning back in my chair and taking in his blank stare.