All I've done to you

Untitle Part 1

How long?

How long have we known each other?, since we were six? You never changed though the same goofy grin,the same caring smile and of course the same ridiculously honest face , you never lied I think it was mostly because you didn't know how but then again that's just my thought .

I was never like you,I could never be like you I was too.......broken  no that's just an excuse you were worse but you'd never stop smiling ,laughing ,worrying about other more than your self .

I remember the day you broke your hand you walked yourself to the hospital and when  I asked you said it hurt but you were laughing why?,if I got cut I would scream, cry and maybe curse but you laugh. I was selfish you were not, I was empty you were not ,I was winter you were spring beautiful in your own way.

Another thing I was smart you were not , I knew that this "friendship"wasn't going to work I tried everything to get you away from me yeah get you away from me I couldn't leave you I just couldn't nothing worked. But I have too especially after the day you risked poisoning just to make me happy I really don't understand why you couldn't just tell me your allergic to nuts instead of eating the snicker because it was my favourite chocolate.

High school I made a decision a plan of some sorts it was perfect I think we went to the same school but it was already obvious that we wouldn't be in the same group you were way more artsy than I was and I far more athletic, that's why bullying you was easy my new "friends" didn't like you either it was a match made in hell, but now answer a question for me.

WHY?!!

Why didn't you hate me ? I hit you ,made fun of you , publicly humiliated you! But......but after every punch you would smile after every insult you would laugh as if it all didn't matter to you in the end .as if that wasn't enough you still defended me you would get  in some kind of shit load of trouble for me maybe to you none of that mattered but to me ....... why can't you realise I'm trying to hurt you?! You still tried to talk to me like nothing was going on like I wasn't the one who gave you the black eye your  sporting like I wasn't the one who destroyed the painting you spent five weeks on like I wasn't the one who posted the video of you dancing to that yuri on ice song in your underwear (that's actually trending) I even told you to fucking kill your self so why?

Then I asked I regretted asking your answer was not something I expected to hear was not something I wanted to hear " because I love you" you said with the same goofy smile and the worst part is that I know and I was a hundred percent sure that you weren't lying I all but cried the horror I was feeling must have shown on my face because you came over to me and gave me a hug you were always a strong believer in hug therapy I let you I couldn't push you away what a coward I am right?.

I didn't stop the bullying I increased it  I had to you wouldn't listen to reason but you didn't stop infact you increased aswell started doing my homework letting me use your tests to cheat but then you did something that I would say was the biggest mistake I let you make you started sitting with my friends and I, they saw it as an opportunity I saw it as a curse you would laugh as if these people didn't cause you pain then they did it a party they invited you  to a party you never were the kind that liked parties we had that in common but you said you would come because I was going to be there. I am an idiot the moment I saw them tell the dj to stop the music and called you up front I should have stopped them the look of pain , betrayal and sadness on you face I will never forget it the video of your dad cheating on your mum with  that college student played for all to see following that was a video even I was shocked that they had the men raping you and after that branding you with that knife I remember that day you were just ten you came to my house covered in blood and crying , how did they know? Well how else I told them  I watched you turn your eyes away from the screen to lock eyes with me I guess that's when everything clicked then you smiled and walked up to me then you said the words I've been  waiting for all these years "i'Ve always been slow love sorry about that I'll leave you alone now"  then you left I was in shock it worked I can't believe it worked I turned around and watched you leave I toke a miracle to not run after you I couldn't I wanted this after all didn't I? The rest of that night was spent drinking and trying as best as I could to celebrate my "victory " by the time it was over I was drunk as fuck and it was 3 in the morning if I recall correctly and my brilliant mentality decided it would be excellent to walk home but I didn't notice the person following me and then it happened I was face to face with a man holding a gun "give me all your money" now the problem with this is I was too drunk to think and far too broke to give him money "sorry dude got nothing on me" I slurred that didn't seem to put him off though "I said give me all your fucking money" he growled "and I said I don't have any " i replied I obviously didn't seem to understand the situation I was in but turns out someone I'd surprise it was you I heard your voice shouting for the cops , then it all happened in a flash he shot I heard the sound but felt no pain I always hurt you I betrayed you , so why did you take the bullet?! I watched as you dropped to the ground that was enough to sober me up i wailed and got on my knees and held you then I felt your soft hands hold my face you smiled "are you ok?" I heard you say  I nodded that's all I could do .

You passed out after that but the cops came and chased the guy down while they called an ambulance to take you to the hospital the doctor said you were shot between the rib a bit higher and you would have been dead I still visited you in the hospital while you were asleep how cowardly of me. I won't be there when you wake up sorry but knowing you you're probably going to try to find me and I'll be waiting after all I need answers to my questions because I still don't understand how you could love me after all I've done.