journal

02/01/18

2nd of January, 2018

04:21pm

I don't know if writing here is a wise idea or not but I really need to write somewhere and having an actual journal just as I did back then is too risky.  Yesterday was amazing. I ate just 192 calories of which I burnt 90.

I didn't feel weak nor I was hungry though. I was just feeling good as hell. Today, instead, has been a disaster. I started off really bad by eating three really small cookies for beakfast, at least they had no milk but still. My parents and sisters left to go to the mall and so I was alone for lunch. I could easily skip it and instead I ate a sandwich with some ham in it and some spinach. I was so dumb and out of control in that moment  that i filled up a mug with some mik and chocolate but thank god right after I poured it all down the sink.

After lunch I really wanted to throw up because the guilt was eating me alive, but one of my biggest fear is vomit, as dumb as it sounds, so eventually I let all of that nasty food stay in my stomach.

Anyway that feeling of being in charge ad having control over myself is stronger than ever before, which is so damn great. I'm actually doing so many things and I can't stop and I don't know, it feels weird but at the same time it's great.

I can't wait to go back to school after winter break so I will be less at home and my parents won't make me eat. Maybe this is the right time, the time I will finally get back the control I've been missing this whole year ad I will drop all the pounds I gained. I'd really like to have someone who I could share my goals with but yesterday i texted Bella telling her that I ate just 192 calorie and that I burnt 90 of hem and that I was happy as fuck but all she told me was that I had to find a therapst which wasn't exactly the reaction I hoped for but it's whatever. I mean this is a battle I have to fight by myself.