bnha/ katsudeku/suicide fanfic

save me

That day he told me to kill myself; I remember it like it was yesterday. He and everybody else were laughing at me and I knew I was hopeless. That moment I realised I could never become a hero, no matter how hard I tried but I had always managed to keep up a fake confidence before, to tell myself over and over again that my dream can come true. I had build this wall around me that didn't let any doubt get to me but that day, my wall crumbled. They hit me like a truck, all the feelings that I've been ignoring for so long. In this very moment I realised I was useless, worthless, a nothing that everybody was just laughing about. Nobody thought I was worth anything. That day I stayed in the classroom when everybody else had already left. I was still thinking even though I actually had already made up my mind. What was the point of being alive I fit meant suffering forever, if what I wished for the most would never become reality, if nobody on this earth liked me and those who did only looked at me with pity. Why live if I'm just a burden or a thing to laugh about. I understood that he was right, killing myself was the best option I had. It would bring an end to all my stupid problems and that unbearable feeling like I was being sucked into a black hole. I felt a strange emptiness filling my stomach. I had nothing. I got up from my chair and walked towards the open window. I looked down. Everybody had already left. It was the fourth floor, there was no way I would survive this. I climbed up the window sill and then I just stood there for a while, cold wind blowing against my body. I looked down again and all of a sudden I got really hot. So hot that it hurt. I was nervous and afraid. I was curious how falling would feel but I wasn't curious how hitting the ground would feel. Oh well I probably wouldn't feel it for a very long time, but I was shaking nevertheless. And then I heard the door swing open. A wave of shock ran through my entire body. Shit how would I explain this to anybody? If I would jump right now I wouldn't have to be confronted with whoever was there. But... "Deku!" Shit!! Why did it have to be Kacchan out of all People? I slowly turned around shaking so badly I could barely hold myself up. I might fall down every minute. Well that might be better than having to face Kacchan in a situation like this. And just as I turned around tears started to run down my face. I simply couldn't hold them back. HE was the least Person I wanted to see now. Not that I wanted to see anybody right now. He just stood there and stared in disbelieve for a second. He couldn't keep his usual angry face up. I heard him faintingly whisper: "I forgot my..." I didn't even Know why I was crying. Just one moment ago I felt so empty and hollow but as Kacchan called my name, something inside of me snapped and all of a sudden I was over flown with feelings. After a brief moment of paralysis Kacchan started moving again. He was walking straight towards me yelling: "Deku god damn it, what the fuck are you doing?" He tried to look as angry as always but he didn't, he looked scared. He probably was scared People would blame him for my death; I mean he was the one who gave me the Idea in the first place. Maybe if I would jump right now I could ruin his life. But for some reason I didn't want to do that. He was coming closer and closer, I panicked and cried: "Stay away!" I took a step back. I was at the verge of falling; I stumbled and nearly fell which shocked me so much I started crying hysterically. Kacchan stopped. Even though I had worse problems right now I was impressed that he actually listened to something that I demanded. My head hurt and I was all dizzy. Everything felt like a dream. It just couldn't be real, it was way too bizarre to be real. I bet if I would jump now I would simply wake up in my bed. But for some reason I didn't want to try. Kacchan stood there, grinding his teeth, looking like he was thinking about something very urgent. He was visibly nervous. That was not the reaction I'd expected from him, I thought he would throw a tantrum or something. "Deku" he finally said "Why would you want to..." he swallowed the rest of his sentence. Still sobbing I answered: "I'm so afraid to die Kacchan." I didn't know why I was telling him that. Maybe I just desperately wanted him to save me. This was torture. My stomach felt like it was being ripped apart. "Then don't fucking kill yourself, Idiot" Kacchan yelled. He looked desperate and angry at the same time. He actually telling me not to die hit me like a dagger through the heart. After all, he was the one who told me to do it in the first place. I tried to answer but my mouth would only let strange crying noises out. Why did I even bother to try to answer? Why was I even arguing with him? After opening and closing my mouth a couple of times without actually saying anything I finally managed to get some words out: "But... I can't take it anymore!" saying it only made the pain worse and my stomach seemed to burst. It felt as if I was begging for his approval to kill myself. It was weird. Why did I even care what he thought? And then it struck me. "Of course you don't want me to kill myself" I yelled "because you know that it would be your fault and you know that everybody else would know that too! Of course you wouldn't want them to know what you really did to me!" I could feel the anger raging inside of me and it felt way better than that weird painful sadness before "But you already got me this far right? So why stop now? This is all you ever wanted Kacchan. Are you proud of yourself?" my tears even stopped shooting out of my eyes no and I had a clear view of him now. But I couldn't tell what he was thinking. With a surprisingly calm voice he said: "Are you stupid, Deku?" "What?" was he actually still going to insult me now? What the... "I don't fucking care what everyone else things about me. They're all idiots anyway. I just..." he stopped for a second. He didn't look at me, he instead preferred to stare at the ground and let out a strange angry noise. Then he continued: "I just don't want you to die, okay? I... I went too far today, I know... I'm fucking sorry already, okay? Just please don't..." he stopped for a moment and then he looked at me and with a more firm voice he said: "I'm coming to get you now. Don't you fucking dare move until I'm there, Deku!" He started walking towards me again. At this point I felt so worn out that I didn't even want to jump anymore so I didn't bother to stop him. I felt numb and that almost hurt more than the sadness before. I just stood there, kind of hanging in the window and felt the wind surrounding me like a calming blanket, until he stood right in front of me. He looked right at me and I could see the inner conflict on his face. He looked like he wasn't far away from crying either, but trying to hold it back. He grabbed the neckline of my hoodie and straight up pulled me down from the window. I was way too exhausted to resist. I fell on my knees and I didn't feel like getting up at all but there he already was, kneeling on the ground with me and then he hugged me. What the fuck? That couldn't be real. He would never hug anybody. I'm not sure if he even hugged his parents and now me?! I was so surprised that I even forgot to be depressed for a moment. It was as if a cool breeze suddenly wiped away all the numbness and the pain and the agony that I'd been feeling. I could feel his hands roughly grabbing the backside of my hoodie and it made me wonder if I was the only one here who really needed a hug. "Please..." he muttered "don't ever do that again!" Like that would've changed anything. But it still made me smile a fainted smile. "Alright I won't" I silently answered. Who was the one calming who here? He stopped hugging me, stood up and as he offered me his hand to help me get up I thought I saw him blushing a little. Trying to sound more confident than he was at that moment he said: "I am going to walk you home now so that you can't... so that you can't kill yourself" he obviously was avoiding eye contact when he said that. "I know you can't do that at home because your mother will be there and you love her to much!" My mother? This whole time I didn't even think of her. It would destroy her if I would've died. She didn't have anyone else. I really was a horrible, selfish person. What the hell was I thinking? The fact that Kacchan wanted to walk me home to look after me kind of surprised me. Maybe he really did care. I mean, he could've just left right now and I would've been fine, but walking home with him like we did when we were kids made me happy. Throughout the whole walk we both remained silent. It was an awkward silence but I was glad that we could peacefully walk next to each other for once. When we finally arrived at our houses Kacchan, visibly nervous, turned towards me and said: "So just... please stay alive okay... goodbye". And then he turned around and walked away. "Thanks..." I mumbled. We both went into our houses and never talked about this incident again.