Broken 💮Phan💮

Chapter 1: 'danisnotonfire'

Dan's PoV. 
*trigger warnings* mention of self harm, suicide, physical abuse and bullying through the story, including swearing

Worthless. Ugly. Fat. Stupid. Why couldn't I get rid of the memories in my mind? Why couldn't I get what they said out of my mind? I should be used to it by now, right? Have I started believing it? Who was I kidding, I'd started believing it a long time ago. It still hurt though, why? I guess I really was stupid, they were just telling me the truth, and I couldn't handle it.

I groaned as I realised tomorrow was Tuesday. It'd only been one day of this well so far, it gets worse as the week progresses. I felt like screaming, but instead I went into the bathroom and found my dad's razor. You see, I didn't need a razor, I was about as hairy as an 8 year old girl. It was more likely for me to become popular than to grow any hair on my face, and trust me, becoming popular wasn't going to happen to me anytime soon.

Anyways, I only spent around 10 minutes in the bathroom, I mean, I wasn't exactly going to wake up someone from my family with my sharp gasping every time the razor touched my skin, they couldn't know anything, they'd use that against me too. 

I get it okay? I'm too sensitive for a boy my age, I needed to man up but I didn't care, they repeatedly hurt me on purpose and blamed it on me. Sometimes I just got so done with this family. I don't remember being genuinely happy with them for ages. I don't even have any privacy, I can't leave a piece of paper on a table without it being read. I'm not a child and I don't need to be supervised on my phone either. It's not like I had anyone to talk to to bitch about someone else with. Everyone was doing that to me and I knew. They didn't even try to hide their expressions around me. I've heard all the rumours too, all the things from "Did you hear Dan bribed the science teacher to give him full marks?" to "I've heard Dan kidnapped a 3 year old and is holding them captive in his basement," and even "Apparently Dan went around to our Spanish teachers house to revise last night" some of them were actually quite amusing, I wouldn't have been able to think of them myself, I'll give them that, but it changed the way people who were supposedly my friends looked at me. Did they actually believe those stupid rumours? A wave of realisation hit me hard. I really was stupid. It took me so long to realise, how? I normally picked things up quite quickly, if I do say so myself. I thought about Louise, the looks that she has been giving me when she thought that I wasn't looking. They weren't just the 'Louise looks' as I called them, she looked at me with eyes filled with something that she looked at people she hated with, I'd seen that look so much but then just realised this, a few weeks after it started. But why would she hate me? I mean, she'd been really shady and malicious lately but I thought that might have just been something else happening.

And PJ. He'd been ignoring me any time that I'd tried to interact recently. Lunch just turned into me trying to spark a conversation while he and Louise both just stared at each other, I thought it was a romance but now I'd realised that they'd been feeling the same way about the other person at the table, me.

I hate thinking, why couldn't I just have been oblivious to this? I only had those two and now apparently I haven't anymore. Dammit Dan.  Why did you have to do that? I checked the clock, 3am. I realised I was sitting on the edge of the bathtub and barely stopped myself from sliding in and making that horrible squeaky noise. Not now. I needed to get rid of the things in my mind and try to sleep. My eye bags were getting darker every night. I needed to clear my mind with something. Ah. I tip-toed into my room and turned on my phone. "Shhhhh" I whispered to my phone, as if it could hear me, hoping that it wouldn't make a loud noise when it turned on. Thankfully, I was safe. My phone wasn't much, just a Nokia touchscreen, my family weren't exactly rich, and that was probably one of the reasons why I got bullied, oh, another one being that I was gay, and my school was filled with homophobic dickheads. I wish I could just transfer but I bet it would all be the same. It wasn't worth it. I logged into YouTube and searched for my favourite YouTuber, AmazingPhil, he went to my school but thankfully he didn't know who I was. If he did he would probably block me on every social media I followed him on. He's not exactly like me. He's popular because his YouTube channel has around 3000 subs. 3097 to be precise, I keep track. I traced the loading circle with my finger without touching the screen as I waited. He uploaded! Every time Phil uploaded my heart and stomach did this weird flippy thing. Okay, I might have a tiny crush on him, but I mean, he's really cute okay? I had an idea at that moment, what if I made another account and talked to him? No Dan, you idiot. What if I don't tell him who I am and pretend I'm cool. No he'll find out eventually. You don't want that. Fuck it I'm doing it.

I chose a username I thought would be a bit more cool than "PlanetDan" okay I was a huge nerd, laugh all you want, it's what everyone else was doing, especially my dad. Oh well, I guess actually talking to Phil will help, he's cool. But then I'd have to fake it, but you probably know the feeling when you'd do anything to talk to your crush, it's that.

I can't think, my wrists felt like they were on fire, that's it!!! I hastily typed "danisnotonfire" into the sign up box. Password? Hmm, "1loveph1l" haha well done Dan and thanks to my mum for choosing the most common name in the world so that nobody would guess it was me. There's at least a dozen Daniels in my school. I typed a simple "hi" in the comments section of Phil's  new video before turning off my phone and laying there, closing my eyes and feeling the slightest bit happier. I hope I got a reply before I left for school tomorrow. It'd make my day a lot better no matter what people will do in school.