Shayad main sahi tha

Jo abhi howa kya zada sahi tha? Ya jo maine kiya woo galat tha? Shayad woo galat thi, main aur meri soch nahi. Lekin kya faida aaisa sahi hone ka. Kya woo sahi hote jo sab ka  sochte, ya woo bhi galat hote?
Wakt badalte gye halaat badalte gye. Jo insan kbhi sab se zada khush rha krta tha aaj woo chup tha. Na aaj uske dost the na uski zindagi, jis zindagi ke liye woo kbhi bhut khush tha. Lekin woo ab sambhal gya, nahi woo sambhla nahi woo smjh gya ki zindagi kya hai…shayad sambhalna aur smjhna ek ho lekin uske liye ye do bari chiz thi. Ab woo zada khush tha kyon ki woo ab usse chahta tha jo uske apne the. Kya sach main khoon ke rishte zada ache hote? Ye phr ek sawal hai. Shayad han woo zada ache hote. Yahan har ek sawal khud ek sawal hai.
Ye kahani hai meri aur meri zindagi ki. Meri zindagi kbhi Himalaya jaisa aasamn chuti thi aur kbhi usi ke pighle paani ki tarah nadiyon main beh jaati thi. Jo bhi thi achi thi mujhe maza aa rha tha lekin woo maza hi kya jismn dard na ho. Akhir kar woo din aae jo koi nahi chahta hai ki uske zindagi main aae.
Zindagi badi ajeeb hoti hai,
Kabhi har too kabhi jeet hoti hai,
Jab aa jaye haste hue aankho main aansu,
Tab ehsas hota hai ek,
Har khushi ko paane main
Kitni takleef hoti hai.
Kitna acha hota jb zindagi aur writer ek hote. Woo ek hi hote hain, hame nahi dikhte woo. Zindagi insan ke sath khelti aur ek woo hota jo alfazon se khel rha hota bs farak etna hai ki ek se insan toot jata aur ek se insan joot jata. Moom ki tarah pighli jar hi hai zindagi, kyon is tarah hath se phisal rhi zindagi, hum unhe pana chahte the dil main basana chahte the, par kyon anchahe saadmo se guzar rhi zindagi?? Phr ek sawal. Sach main pagal hon main.  Nahi main pagal tha uske pyar main, ab too main acha hon. Shayad yahi behtar tha. Kitni baar anjaane main na jaane kaise log un chizon pe dheyan nahi dete jo sab se zrrori hota. Yahi mere sath bhi howa, mujhe tb hi sambhal jana tha, jb khawahishen uski puri hoti thi aur meri dbb jaaya krti thi, main too tha pyar main pagal, uski naadaniyan smjh ke sab seh leta tha. Lekin naadaniyan kbhi chalaki bhi hoti ye aaj pta chla. Chote bache mahool se kitna acha khel lete hain, unhe kch bhi chahye hota woo roo ke le lete, maa baap mna nahi kr sakta akhir unka khoon jo hai, lekin yahan pe baat thori alag hai khoon yahan pe pyar tha bss, baki sab chiz waesi hi thi, uska roo ke sab kch manwa lena aur mera hass ke sab kch kr dena. Shayad pyar ka mtlb yahi pta tha us wakt mujhe. Maa ko dekha krta tha woo sab kch kr deti thi, too maa ke pyar ko hi maine pyar ka matlab smjha,lekin main galat tha. Maths bhut pasand thi, zindagi usi pe chlane lga “Theorems & axioms”, maa ke pyar ko axioms smjha aur us basis pe theorem proof krne chla. Zindagi aur maths bhi ek jaise hogye mere liye ab. Ek aadad ke sath khelna aur hai aur ek ehsas ke sath.
Ek dost bhi tha mera, bilkul mere jaisa. Hum dost kam bhai zada lagte the. Kitne log too hame bhai hi smjhte the. Sath khana, sath ghoomna, sath khelna, sab kch sath. Hum dono main bs kch hi farak the, usse school jldii jana hota tha aur mujhe nahi jana hota tha. Main kyon jata jldii school, wahan kch aaisa nahi tha jiske wajah se main wahan khushi se jata, sach too ye hai ki bachpan main school jana ksi pasand hota hai, aur baad main sab se zada yaad aane wali chiz bhi wahi school hoti jisse hm nafrat krte the kbhi. Aur mera dost usse jldii jana hota tha kyon ki usse apne pyar se milna hota tha, matlab dekhna hota tha. Woo us wakt uski zindagi thi, lekin bs uski thi, jo zindagi thi usse pta bhi nahi tha ki woo ksi ki zindagi ban chuki hai. Mujhe pta tha sab kch uske dil ka lekin main darta tha, mahool sahi nahi the, aksar larkiyon ke le kr kch kch hota tha, dil main ek darr tha kahin hmare sath bhi na ho jae. Excess of everything is bad but sometime its good. Ye line mera apna hai, meri zindagi mere asulon pe chalti, main dosron ke asulon kyon maano, meri zindagi mere asulon pe chalegi. Aaisa sab ka hona chahye, zindagi apni hoti; khushi, gum, dost, pyar, ghar sab apna hota. Too jine ka tarika aur asool bhi apna kyon nahi? Yahan phir ek sawal, zindagi se etna haar gya hon ki zindagi ab ek sawal hai. Zindagi sach mn ek sawal hai, insan zindagi aur sawal main ek jaisa hi ulajh jata hai aur bahar aane ki har mumkin nakam koshish krta hai aur jis din koshish kaam kr jaati ek nai zindagi shuru hoti. Is nai zindagi ka mujhe nahi pta aur shayad jb pta hoga tab main bta nahi sakonga. Shayad us wakt main apni nai zindagi main apni khush hal zindagi ka saza paa rha honga. Saza kyon main too janat bhi too pa sakta? Nahi main saza hi paonga, mujhe bhrosa hai khud pe, jb meri rooh hi kaafir ho gye too jannat kahan naseeb hoga.
Aakhir kaar ek din himmat aa hi gye mujh main. Faeza suno!!! Shams tumse kch kehna chahta hai. Us din maine ye nahi socha ki kya hoga natija. Bus maine bol dala. Dekha nahi jata tha mujhe apne dost ki woo bechaeni. Baat ye hai school ki subha 5:45 ki. Mera dost mere piche tha, aur mujhse aage woo larki. Jab maine bola tb mere dost ki shakal kch ajeeb si ho chuki thi, kya hoga ab, kya bol diya isne, ab phns gya main….. ho sakta hai ye sab sawal aae hon uske zehan main. Lekin ye bhi aa sakta tha uske zehan main ki aaj sab kch bol donga. Mujhe nahi pta kya socha tha usne, maine bs bol diya tha. Bagal mn hi ek class room tha. Dono usmn ja ke kya baat kiye pta nahi mujhe. Main bs khush tha etna zada khush ki paaglon ki tarah hass rha tha, lekin kispe? Shayd khud pe lekin khud ki bewakoofi pe ya khushi main? Us wakt too khushi hi thi. Han khushi thi mujhe yaad hai. Lekin ab sochta hon too meri bewakoofi thi woo. Anjaane main maine uski zindagi ek galat mor pe mor di thi. Usne bhi meri tarah had se zada pyar kiya tha, lekin mujhe pta nahi, aaisa mujhe lgta hai. Pehle main dosron ko smjhna chahta tha, khud se smajh jata tha ki ye sahi h aur woo galat. Lekin ab nahi hota mujhse ye. Kyon? Shayad ab main sambhal gya hon, ya main bigar gya hon, ya mera bhrosa khatam ho gya sab pr se. Sawal bhut se hn lekin jawab ab pta nahi. Ye acha hai zindagi ko sawalon main uljha ke rkho, jawab milne pe shayad khatam si ho jaati zindagi. Lekin main sahi tha maine apne dost ki khushi ke liya kiya tha. Etna too kr hi sakta tha.
Zindagi woo nahi hoti jo hm sochte hain. Zindagi woo bhi nahi hoti jo hm krte hain. Aur na hi zindagi woo hoti jo hame lgti hai. To kya hai phr ye zindagi aur kyon hai ye zindagi?
Kya hum ye keh sakte hain ki zindagi ek imtehan hai ya ek maksad hai? Hn zindagi dono hai imtehan aur maksad bhi. Agar maksad hi na ho too imtehan ka maza kya. Lekin agr imtehan hi nahi ho too? Nahii nahii imtehan too hona chahye. Agr imtehan hi na ho too hme pta kaise chle ki hmne kya sikha aur kitna sikha. Zindagi ek aaisa imtehan hai jiske sawal hum aap khud se bnaate aur hum aap khud se solve bhi krte. Maine bhi bnaya tha zindagi khud se, hamare liye ek achi zindagi, ksi ka sath le kr aur ksi ko sath de kr. Us zindagi main sawal bs ek tha aur us sawal ka jawab bhut hi zada bara, etna bara ki umar nikal jae puri aur insan ka jawab khatam nahi ho. Sawal chota sa tha do alfaazon ka “kitna pyar”. Bhut tha mujhe pyar, zada wakt hi nahi mila isliye jawab chota sa diya. Maine puri koshish ki thi, bhut smjhaya aur manaya tha lekin woo nahi maani. Uske liye pta nahi kya tha pyar. Uski khawahishen uski baatein uski zrroryat, uski zindagi sab apna sa lagne lga tha mujhe. Jahan tak mujhe yaad hai main kbhi khud ki khawahish uske upar nahi rakhi thi. Mere liye usse zrrori kch nahi tha, uske liye bhi ek wakt mujhse zrrori kch nahi tha, lekin ek wakt hi nahi tha uske paas jiski mujhe zrrorat thi. Pta nahi insan kaise badal jaate etna jald. Zindagi main bhale  aanjaane mn hi jaani har ek chiz hmesha yaad rhti…..chah ke bhi insan bhula nahi pata. Lekin kch insan zindagi jeene ka zariya kaise bhool jaate? Shayad woo insan nahi. Woo insan hi hote. Bs unki zindagi ka asool alag hota shayad ya unki zindagi jeene ka tarika ya ye bhi too ho sakta ki unke liye woo zindagi ka sawal hi nahi rha ho?? Mujhe nahi pta kya hota hai. Duniya main jitney log utni soch, jitni soch utna maksad, jitna maksad utna tarika, jitney tarika utna zindagi jeene ka andaz. Koi too galat hota hoga? Kahin yahan pe main galat too nahi tha. Lekin aaj tak kisi insan ne khud ko galat kahan mana. Nahi nahi!!!! Bhut saare insan ne mana hai khud ko galat, maine bhi mana tha khud ko galat har jagah pe har mauke pe chahe galti uski ho ya meri. Shayad mere liye rishte se badh ke kch nahi tha isliye too main galti mana krta tha nahi hote hoe bhi. Kch insanon ko lgta hai ki woo kbhi galat nahi hn, woo unmn se ek thi. Mere liye ye koi bara sawal nahi tha, galtiyan zindagi ka hissa hai isse jald bhoolne main hi bhalai hoti. Main bhi bhool jaya krta tha uski galtiyan uski naadaniyan samajh ke.
Mere dost ne bhi aaisa hi kiya tha. Usne bhi shiddat se chaha tha. Lekin usse sab milta tha. Woo khush tha aur main uski khushi main khush tha. Lekin zindagi main khushi zada der rhti nahi. Pta nahi kyon? Shayad hum zada khushi main kch galtiyan kr dete isliye woo bura maan jaati aur rooth ke chli jaati. Aaisa hi kch ho chukka tha meri zindagi main. Zindagi ka pehla sabak wahin pe mila jb jaan se pyaara dost ke haath se pehli baar sab ke saamne class main maar khaya…galti meri nahi bhi thi aur meri thi bhi. Galti ye thi ki maine dost ko zindagi maan li thi aur maine zindagi se ek chota sa mazak kiya tha. Mujhe kya pta tha ki zindagi mere mazak ka bura maan jaegi. Shayad hum sab zindagi ko mazak le lete, ya zindagi ko apna maan ke mazak kr lete. Woo hamari nahi hoti. Jo zindagi ka naam hi sawal h woo ksi ek ka kaise ho sakta? Ye ksi ka nahi hota. Zindagi se achi chiz aur usse zada buri chiz koi nahi. Yahi hai jo insan ko bna bhi deti aur gira bhi.
Umar ke teen alag alag hisson ke kisse se teen alag alag sabak mile. Pehla hissa bta diya tha mujhe zindagi ksi ki nahi hoti. Hmlog alag ho chuke the. Woo mere liye dushman se badh ke ho gya tha aur main uske liye kya tha pta nahi. Zada umar thi nahi us wakt shayad isliye smjh nahi paya tha, ho sakta ho uski koi pareshani rhi ho ya ksi musibat main rha ho woo jiske wajah se jhinjhla ke usne mujhe maara. Abhi ka wakt rehta too shayad zada smajh pata main uski wajah. Us wakt bs ek hi chiz samajh main aai woo thi beizzati. Main bhi usse kam nahi tha. Usne mujhe class main mara tha aur maine usse aftar baad ghar ke bahar mara. Ek dost se bara dushman koi nahi hota jb woo dushmani pe aa jae, aaisa hi kch hamare sath howa tha, hum ne ek dosre ko bilkul nahi chora. Galat tha main yahan pe. Mujhe ramzan main aftar baad usse nahi maarna chahye tha lekin main kya krta usne mujhe roze main mara tha. Aur agar main usse chor deta too mere baaki dost mujhe kayar aur darpook smajhte. Mere liye ye mauka tha izzat bnane ka. Lekin ab sochta hon too lgta hai ki maine gunah kiya aur main ab khud ki nazar main kaafir hon.
Hum ab bilkul alag the. Hame ek dosre se matlab nahi tha. Main khush tha shayad main halka mehsos kr rha tha. Mujhe lag rha tha ki acha howa hum alag ho gye, woo too khudgarz nikla. Woo aaj jiske sath khush tha woo meri badaulat mili thi usse, shayad main galat tha. Pyar krne wale too aapas main mil hi jaate hn kbhi na kbhi. Mujhe farak nahi prta. Main hawa main urta tha, lekin jo urte hn unke pankh bhi aksar kaat jaya krte hain. Mere bhi katte. Sach main khushiyan zada der nahi rehti. Main khush rhne lga tha. Mujhe mera akelapan ab acha nahi lgta tha. 
Umar ke dosre hisse main pta chla ki apne jldii bante nahi aur jo ban gaye hain unhe khona nahi chahye. Apni chiz apni hoti hai uspe ksi aur ka hak nahi. Main akela reh gya tha, meri jo zindagi thi woo ab ksi aur ke sath zindagi guzar rha tha. Lekin kb tak main rhta akela. Rishte sudharne ke liye ksi ek too aage aana hi prta. Mere liye rishta meri khuddari se badh ke tha. Hum wapas dost ho gye the. Lekin dosti ki wajah kch aur thi. Jab main hath badhaya tha too usne inkar kr diya. Usse bhi too bura lga hoga meri kartoot. Shayad nahi, woo apni zindagi main aage badh chuka tha. Uske dosre dost ban chuke the jinke sath woo khush tha. Lekin wakt aaesi chiz hoti jo jald hi palat jaati. Wakt kyon palat jata? Phir ek aur sawal. Mujhe aaisa lgta shayad wakt ek mauka aur dena chahta. Mauka sab ko milna chahye. Shayad isiliye wakt mauka deta. Hum us mauka ka kaisa istemal krte hain woo hmpe hota. Kitni baar galat istemal krte humlog kitni baar sahi. Lekin wakt mauka kyon deta? Kahin woo hamara dost too nahi? Ya woo hamare paas ek lifeline hoti? Shayad dost hota hoga. Lekin mujhe too dost ne hi mara tha. Too wakt dost too nahi mera. Too phr kya hai wakt jo wapas hame mauka dene aata. Mujhe lgta hai wakt ek ehsas hai. Jab jis insan ko uski galti ka ho jata woo wapas aa jata. Lekin wakt too galti ka ek hissa hai..galti hoti too hi woo palat jata..galtii insan se hoti..aur insan zindagi jeeta. Shayad sab khel is zindagi ka hai jo sawal poch rhi. Shayad wakt tb hi palat ke aata jb galti hoti aur hme galti ka ehsas hota. Jaise ek chota bacha pencil se galat likhta aur jb usse ehsas hota ki usne galat likha h tb woo usse eraser se mita deta aur dobara likhta. Lekin us mitai hoi jagah thori maili ho jaati.
Yahi hai hamari zindagi. Hum sawalon ke dum pe jii rhe. Aur usi sawalon ke jawabon mn uljhe hain. Usi main galtiyan hoti ehsas hota wakt palat jata aur sab kch pehle jaisa hone ki koshish krta kitni baar ho bhi jata lekin thora sa gandagi us eraser jaesi reh jaati.
Mera dost bhi palta jb usse ehsas howa. Meri zindagi pehle jaise honi lgi thi lekin thori maaili. Hum milte the baatein krte the sath ghoomte bhi the lekin hm aapas main thora shaant rehte the. Main akele rehna tb tak sikh chuka tha. Aadat ho chuki thi mujhe.
Wakt phr ek karwaat liya lekin is baar meri zindagi mn nahi. Zindagi Shams Fayeza ki thi. Mujhe bhut afsos tha apne dost ke liye. Jab main 2 din apne pyar ke bina nahi reh pa rha tha woo 2 saal rha. Pta nahi kahan se etni himmat aati logon main. Shayad allah ki taraf se. Dono alag hoke bhi pass the. 2 saal bina ksi mulakat baat ke rhna ek bari baat hoti. Uski zindagi dekh ke main darr chuka tha. Ab ye darr kya hota? Shayad darr hi woo chiz hai jo hame bhut kch galat kaam se rok leti. Lekin kya zrrori ki darr galat kaam se hi roke kahin ache kaam se rok de too? Tb kya krega insan? Main iska jawab jaanta hon. Zindagi etna darr darr ki ji hai ki darr se dosti ho gye hai. Aur ek dost hi dost ke bare main acha bta sakta. Hamare dil dimag main bhut saare khayal, ideas aate. Kch hame pasand hote aur kch hame nahi pasand hote. Jo hame pasand hote woo ham ksi tarah bhi kr hi lete, aur jo nahi pasand hote usse ham chor dete. Jis khayal ko hm chorne pe zada dheyan dete ya ham usse krne main ghabraate usse ham darr bol dete. Ghabraane ki hamari bhut si wajah hoti, kch kaam aaisa hota jo ham kabhi kiye nahi hote too ghabraate, kch ham future ka soch ke chor dete, aur kch ksi ke khaoof se. Darr ham insaano ne khud se bnaya hai apni khaamiyan chupaane ke liye. Ham insan bs ek darr lgta hai ye krne main bol ke khud se picha chorwa lete aur bacha lete khud ko. Darr hi too chiz hai jo hame asal maza deti. Ksi chiz ka future bina soche kch acha future aata hai too bhut acha lagta hai.
Mujhe bhi ek darr tha shayad usse khone ka. Han darr hi tha woo ek tarah ka. Kyon ki main usse khona chahta nahi tha isiliye darr ka naam de diya. Shayad usi darr main maine uski khawahish aur dreams pura kr diya. Ya mera pyar bhi ho sakta hai woo. Baat too ek hi h pyar kaho ya darr. Darr tb hi hota jb pyar hoga. Lekin kho diya maine usse. Jitna zada dara main utna darr mujhe apne changul mn phansaya. Aur aaisa phnsaya ki usse nikal ke bhi main usmn phnsa hi hon. Aaj bhi yaad aati uski baatein. Kya sach main log jhoote waade bhut pakke iraade ke sath kr dete? Lgta too yahi hai. Zindagi main sab se zada dard wahi insan deta jisse aap sab se zada chahte ho. Mujhe aaisa lgta. Maine bhi chaha tha usse sab se zada, kitni baar too .................................................... Pta nahi zindagi chahti kya hai. Main khud ke sawalon main uljha howa hon. Sawal etne saare hain aur jawab woo pta nahi. Shayad jawab hai mere paas main bta nahi paa rha. Ya mujhe aaisa lgta hai ki jawab hain mere paas, pta nahi mujhe. Usne mujhe chora tha pehle. Pta nahi kyon usne btaya nahi. Main pocha bhi nahi. Main bs usse wapas apni zindagi main laane main lga tha. Aur hain mujhe yaad hai main le aaya tha usse. Pta nahi kaisa pyar tha mera jo mujhe khud pta nahi. Mujhe farak hi nahi prta tha. Shayad mujhse bara bewakoof koi nahi hoga jisne ye hi nahi pocha ki tumne chora kyon. Main ismn pareshan tha ki main kaise reh paonga ,mujhe wapas chahye thi woo. Main usse wapas le aaya tha. Lekin is baar maine chora usse. Aur han main is baar galat nahi hon hmesha ki tarah aaisa mujhe lgta. Dosron ko kya lgta usse mujhe farak nahi prta. Main new god ke liye old god ko chor nahi sakta. Usse kaise chor don main jisne mujhe dekhe bina pyar krna shuru kr diya tha. Main too nahi chor sakta. Sacha pyar shayad yahi hota mere liye.