Dreaming Of More Than Just A White Christmas {Phan} (Book Four)

🎄Seven🎄

Enough is enough.
I can't fucking take this anymore.
All these nights of just lying in bed all alone with my thoughts.
All these nights of dreading that I would get a phone call from someone telling me that Phil was dead.
All these nights of just sobbing to myself and wishing that Phil was there by my side.
I can't do it anymore.
I just can't.
The mental anguish that I was suffering as a result of staying with Phil as he failed to battle his addiction was officially too much for me, and the only way that it would stop is if I left.
Leaving.
I can't believe leaving was the only option at this point.
A few months ago, if the thought of leaving crossed my mind, I would've rejected it as an option right away. But now, it felt like it was the only way this living hell would end.
But did I even have the willpower to just pack up my stuff and leave?
No, you don't. I internally mocked myself. You'd pack up all of your stuff and then come running right back almost as soon as you left the house.
Meanwhile, the other part of my mind started fighting with the part of my mind that had no faith in myself.
You wouldn't do that. It insisted. You have to have faith in yourself and force yourself to pack up your stuff and never look back. You can do it. You just need to believe in yourself. Besides, all you want is to be happy, right? You aren't going to be happy if you stay here. Even if you've sworn to love Phil until your dying day, you know damn well that you're going to one day lose your sanity if you choose to stay.

*****

After my mind spent God knows how long fighting with itself, I realized that that that it would just be better if I just made the decision on whether I wanted to stay or leave later on.
But, then again, maybe I'd just keep telling myself that.
Maybe, night after night, I'd eventually surrender after my mind fought with itself for the umpteenth time and made my head pound and my heart ache.
Maybe, just maybe, I'd never build up the willpower to actually make a decision.
Maybe, just maybe, I'd spend the rest of my days wasting away until Phil's body finally decided that it had had enough and ceased all function.
But maybe, just maybe, I'm content with that fate because I've lost all of the strength to fight, to protest, and to do anything really.
Maybe, just maybe, I'd just allow myself to just exist rather than live for the rest of my days.
But, then again, maybe, just maybe, there was a tiny glimmer of hope that Phil could be saved and if that's the case, that glimmer of hope isn't me.
That glimmer of hope is someone whose absence is what started this living hell in the first place, although it wasn't their fault at all, not even slightly.
Phil and I brought this upon ourselves, and we were paying it for every single day.
We were fighting our own demons every single day.
We were hurting every single day.
We were regretting our decision every single day.
We were missing the person we regret sending away so much.

God, at this rate, I'm going to have to leave.
God, I don't want to leave.
I just want things to get better.
But I can't make them better, and I know that because I've tried everything I could possibly think of.

Just then, for the first time in so long, I found myself praying to a god that I don't believe in that things would get better and that I wouldn't have to leave.

Looking back, I really should've known that a prayer wouldn't worked, especially since they never did anyways.

~~~~~

"Merry Christmas, Dad!"

That was a phrase that I never thought I would wake up to.

Nonetheless, it made me so unbelievably happy.

"Merry Christmas, Ellie." I said tiredly as I slowly opened my eyes and allowed them to adjust to the sunlight in the room before I sat up and began stretching. "Are you ready to officially go home today?"
Ellie nodded excitedly as she got out of bed.
"Good." I smiled softly as I got out of bed as well. "I'm ready for you to officially go home too."
"Let's hurry up and get ready so that we can go home then!" Ellie cried out, her excitement increasing as she grabbed the other outfit I had bought for her while we were out exploring the city yesterday. "What are you waiting for?" She didn't bother waiting for a response as she quickly ran into the bathroom and closed and locked the door behind her.
I couldn't help but let out a small chuckle as I got changed and walked over to the large mirror and counter that was located right next to the bathroom before I started getting myself ready for the day.