Forever Knight [Harmione]

Chapter 12: Avoidance

“I was intimate with Harry in that way.” She finally told Cicero after a long recounting about the previous night’s events.

She had just fed in the other room nearly a half-hour ago and was having a proper discussion with Cicero.  In the beginning, it was impossible to have a decent conversation with her when she was cranky from hunger.  Now she had a much better disposition and she could actually tell herself to stop being grouchy long enough to talk nicely until she next fed, but she found that therapy without feeding was a disaster waiting to happen.  Emotional powwow before every meal was just not possible. 

Now as she sat before him, her hunger sated, she could let her feelings loose without fear of flying off the handle. 

She knew Cicero understood what she meant by “that way”.  She had never kept it a secret from Cicero that she had intimate relations with Harry, and she was honest about the fact that she had wanted to keep their lovemaking the way it was: Human.  Cicero understood the implications of this new situation she was confessing to him.

His facial expression hadn’t changed in the least.  “And how do you feel about it?”

She frowned, annoyed. “Is that all you can say?”

This time, he seemed surprised as he calmly leaned back on his comfortable sofa chair.  “Well, what do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know… shouldn’t you be scolding me for it?  I was an emotional wreck last night.  I’d just cremated my parents, I almost killed someone and it’s only been two weeks since I was turned!  I thought maybe I was acting irresponsibly.”

“Well… did you use protection?”

“Very funny, Cicero.”

Cicero smiled, looking vastly amused.  “You were obviously ready to go that next step with him, whether you realized it or not.  Before that, you were drinking synthetic blood just so you could make love to him guilt-free. Frankly, I didn’t think it was the healthiest thing, but you’d only been at it for a short time, so I let you.  Now you seemed to have fixed that problem.  This is progress, Hermione.”

“Progress for what?  For becoming more the vampire that I am?”

He was silent for a few heartbeats.  “You’re going to have to accept it some time.”

Her jaw tightened, feeling bitterness well up inside her.  “Because that’s the only option I have, isn’t it?  I don’t have a choice.”

Cicero fell quiet again, his expression thoughtful.  “Have you spoken to Harry about this development in your relationship?  I mean, really spoken to him about it?  How he felt?  Your deepest emotions while you and he made love that way?”

She paused, wondering why she didn’t do just that.  But she knew the answer to it almost immediately.  “I’ve been touchy.  I can’t talk about any of this without blowing up in his face, and he doesn’t deserve it from me.  He’s been very supportive and loving and… it’s hurting him.  I know it is, but he’s taking it.  He’s taking it for me.  WHY is he doing that? Does he like being MISERABLE?  How can he stand it?  If I were him I’d—I’d…  I want to tell him how stupid he’s being, and I just—I just—” 

She realized a moment later that she was gripping the arms of her chair hard enough to rip holes into the upholstery.

Cicero remained straight faced.  He was absorbing her words; processing it, maybe, because she hadn’t spoken this much about any of it to him, either.  This was a milestone of sorts, but whether it would do her any good or not was yet to be determined.