happiness! » stray kids

1. [schemes and jeongin's soap animals]

Lee Felix didn't want very many things. He just wanted to pass Chemistry and have a good time, that was all. So when he came up with a new scheme ("it's been too long since our last scheme, guys come on!") and no one supported him, he sulked. He added one more thing to his list of wants: his friends to actually love him. He loudly announced this update to said friends and got such a powerful eye roll from Changbin that he felt the literal walls shake.

Lee Felix was dumb stupid at Chemistry (a term he made up to truly describe his level of incapacity), but he had a little bit of cunning and manipulation running through his veins. His grandma always insisted that he got it from his great-great-great aunt, who was supposedly a witch. Felix wouldn't mind being a witch. He dressed up as a witch once for Halloween. He didn't have many friends that year. But back to the cunning; how else did he end up in the long-abandoned boys' bathroom on the basement floor with Jeongin?

"Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule and visiting my humble abode," Felix said, sitting on the toilet of the handicap stall. Jeongin was standing in front of him, looking uncomfortable.

"You literally dragged me here—"

"I'm so glad someone cares about my endeavors," Felix continued loudly.

"—and I'm missing an Algebra test—"

"It can be really hard to find enjoyment in life when people don't show interest."

"—which is a lot more important than being locked in a moldy bathroom stall with an even moldier person!"

Felix blinked. "Did you just say that I was moldier than this bathroom stall?"

They both stared at the aforementioned mold growing in the corner of the stall. Jeongin shrugged.

"I always call you moldy—"

"True."

"—so I decided to switch it up a bit."

"Understandable." Felix nodded equably, then clapped his hands together, seriousness falling over his face like a curtain. This alarmed Jeongin. Quite a lot.

"My newest scheme is going to fund your carved soap animal collection," Felix cajoled.

Jeongin stared at the tiles, shifting from one foot to another.

"Can you not talk about my soap animals like you're mocking them and me?"

"I'm not mocking them or you!"

"Yes you are! You say 'soap animals' like -"

"Like what? I don't say it like anything!"

"You go, 'soap animals' and like, do this thing with your voice -"

"I do not!"

"You bring out my saltiness and I hate you for that," Jeongin said in a considerably calmer tone. Felix laughed.

"When I first met you, I had no idea of the salt you hid away. Do you like, store it in your braces -"

"Felix!"

"Sorry, sorry! It's just, you're like this tiny angel to everyone else, and then whenever you talk to me, all I get is disrespect."

"It's what she deserves," Jeongin mumbled, seemingly unaware that he was speaking aloud.

"What?" Felix said, having fully heard him.

"Nothing!"

"Anyway, my new plan is to cash in via manipulation of every teenager's most sensitive infatuation that festers in their heart of hearts, their most innermost and yearning desire to be surrounded by the capacity of the universe that leaves them feeling even more empty, their—"

"Lee Felix."

"Happiness. We're going to sell bottled happiness, and we're gonna make it right now."

The next ten minutes were filled with Jeongin's abject despair and imploring loathing.

"Stop being a Debby Downer," Felix said in response to Jeongin's statement that they would probably get expelled for this. He was pulling his "ingredients" from various pockets and concerning locations. Some such ingredients were water, food coloring, onion juice, lemon extract, sriracha sauce, and glitter. He amassed these and a few others on the floor, looking immensely pleased.

Jeongin surveyed them. After a heavy silence, he proclaimed, "That is toxic."

"We'll boil the bacteria out," Felix said nonchalantly. He reached under the dividing door and into the next stall, pulling a whole crock pot into theirs while Jeongin spluttered, "Boil—I don't think that's how it works! And where are we getting the flame from?"

"Don't worry about it." Felix began to pour ingredients in, seemingly at random. Jeongin stared in utter disbelief. The stupidity was astounding.

"Well? Are you going to help me or just stand there like a dateless preteen boy at a school dance?"

Jeongin picked up a clove of garlic with a sigh and slow fingers. He was about to drop it in, but Felix stopped him.

"What are you doing? You have to crush it to get max flavor!"

Jeongin had had enough. "Who do you think you are, the ding dang half-blood prince?!"

Felix looked up from his crock pot of horror. Jeongin's face was red. Such language was way too strong for Jeongin, the (mostly) cute baby angel, and Felix was appalled, to say the least.

"Jeongin. I think you need to calm down and take a deep breath."

"What are you actually saying to me right now. You're saying words but they don't make sense when you put them together like that. Why are you speaking to me. Am I in an alternate universe? Is this even real? I could put my hand right through this door right now and I would disappear into a different dimension."

Felix wasn't paying attention. He fished a lighter out of his pocket while Jeongin continued his increasingly existential monologue and flicked the flame into existence. He touched it to the surface of the water, which erupted very briefly (and intensely) with fire.

Felix yodeled and Jeongin screamed. Felix dabbed and Jeongin flinched into the door, smacking it with a loud bang and then making a very wimpy noise at the unwelcome pain. Actually, this entire experience was pretty unwelcome, in Jeongin's opinion, but clearly Jeongin's opinion was the minority here.

"We need to leave this here for a week and let it ferment, then add in some chocolate milk, and viola, the cash comes flowing in." Felix said, surveying the very harmful-looking substance in his crock pot that he apparently stored in this bathroom.

"Why do we need chocolate milk?"

"To make it edible, of course."

in case you couldn't tell, this is a crack fic

anyway, i love stray kids and i decided it was about time i wrote something for them. so far, we have dumb stupid!felix and salty angel!jeongin. also a brief appearance of 100% salty!changbin.

what do you think so far? would you drink felix's bottled happiness? i would tbh