depression | bang yedam

2

Areum's POV

The next day, my clock rang but i'm wide awake. I woke up at 3am in the morning but I can't get back to sleep no matter how tired I am physically.

I have no energy to get out of bed.

When I got to school, it makes me feel nausea. My head started to hurt so bad that I just felt like fainting and no one would even care much.

I got to class and i'm so emotionally drained out.

" Criminal's child, I hope you die. " Someone said and I ignored their remarks. I wasn't bothered much with what they've said but I mean, I do miss my dad and mom a lot.

My mom left me after my dad was sentenced to prison a few years back. She found someone better and I was left in the care of my own.

I remembered what my mom said right before she left me, " I'm not your mom anymore, don't call me mom and don't follow me. "

Ever since that day on, I fell into depression. The feeling of being unwanted and alone, it wasn't that severe until students in my school found out about my family background.

They teased me in school, about being parentless.

Do they know how much I've suffered ?

" Hey ! " I turned to see the guy from yesterday, he was smiling at me widely and I just ignored him. He is just someone that is going to leave anyways.

He tapped on my shoulder, " What's your name ? "

" I'm Bang Yedam. " He said with a smile, I do want to be his friend but he might be one of those who left me alone when i'm at the verge of dying.

He is just someone who is going to leave at the end of the day.

A voice said in my head and I believed it. I believed every word it said and that's how I became who I am today, someone who suffers from a mental illness.

" Yedam ! Why are you talking to criminal's child ? " Someone screamed and I was expecting Yedam to walk away from me.

He turned to face them, " Why are you calling her names ? She have a name and it's Areum. " He said and turned to face me with a smile.

Why did he asked me for my name when he already know my name ?

" Ignore what they say, those are just nasty people trying to make themselves feel better about themselves by being mean to others. " He said and I felt better but I shouldn't.

Don't believe whatever he said, he is lying.

Everyone hates you.

Including yourself.

I started tearing up and he looked at me worriedly. He took out a piece of tissue and was about to pass it to me when i ran away from him.

I hid in the washroom, not wanting to go for lessons that day. I just want to go home but I realised, I can't and I have to face reality.

Depression makes me feel so alone, worthless and it makes me want to kill myself.

At that moment, I found something shiny on the floor. It's a small piece of metal blade, I looked at it and the voice in my head tried to persuade me to pick it up.

Pick it up.

I did as I was told.

Good job.

I held it in my hand and I saw my own reflection, the face that i'm ashamed of.

Now, use it to cut yourself.

I hesitated but I can't help it. I tried to stop cutting myself and I managed to kick that habit away but it's back again.

The blade seemed to have some sort of power to persuade me to pick it up and start cutting myself. No matter how hard I tried to resist, at the end of the day I would be walking out with bloody wrists.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I started slashing my wrist, blood started oozing out of the cuts.

I stood up and stared into the mirror to see my own reflection. My eyes were puffy and red, I looked down at my own wrist and it's so bloody.

You're still worthless.

I pulled down my sleeves of the blazer to cover up the cuts before walking out of the washroom.

" Miss Kang, why are you so late ? " I looked at the clock hung on the wall, i'm late for almost an hour.

" I think she's busy murdering someone just like her dad ! " Someone said and everyone burst into laughter. I held onto the side of my skirt really tightly, I can't let them see me cry.

The life that i'm living currently is secluded. It's a room with no windows, no doors, nothing. I'm just left there to die.

People think that i'm cold and I don't want to open up to them but it's more like i'm afraid. I'm afraid that they would all leave me and I can't help but to be cold so that they would all leave me alone.

" Are you okay ? " Yedam asked me and I looked at him with his worried pair of eyes.

" I'm fine. " I said in a soft voice but loud enough for him to hear me. Sometimes what I said are lies and i'm fine is one of them.

It's not that I didn't want to express myself but I felt like my feelings doesn't mean anything to anyone and it's just something unimportant.

When the bell rang, I was walking out of the classroom when Yedam dragged me to the rooftop where there's no one.

He kneeled in front of me as I sat on the chair silently. He was about to touch my sleeves when I moved my arm away.

" You cut yourself, didn't you ? " What he said made me teared up without knowing.

You can't trust him.

He is a liar, everyone wants to leave you at the end of the day don't they ?

What makes him the odd one out ?

You aren't worth anyone's time.

Just kill yourself.

11th Dec 2017

" Try to say nothing negative about yourself for three days, for forty five days, for three months. See what happens to your life. " - Yoko Ono

It's hard but I believe you guys are stronger than you think you are. Don't think you are worthless, even if everyone in the world gives up on you, don't give ip on yourself honey :)

I'll be here for you if you take the first step to approach me :) I'm no psychologist but i'm a listening ear for you.