Day after day the insecurities got lesser while the feeling of this actually working out took over, which led to them being much more relaxed with everything. He never really doubted it but that little spark of insecurity still was there. And every time he saw how insecure Ant was, saw that questioning look, he knew that was still a long way to go.
Sometimes he wondered where his boyfriend had those fears from. These doubts and the thought that he might actually leave him again. That wasn't even a possibility. Never had been and never will be. Ant was his life. The word 'friends' has never really been the right word for what they were. They were on the same wave-length and knew each other inside out. At first he thought it was because of their mutual passion for television, that they shared this bond. But the more time they spent together he realized that it wasn't just that. Since long ago Ant had a place in his heart. That place became that big at some point, that no one else found another place in there. He didn't want it any other way, anyway. And he hoped that Ant, at some point, will understand that. That the insecurities will vanish for good.
One of the most important steps, they took last week. They sat together with their family and told them the truth. The grin they got as an answer, was confirmation enough for them. Confirmed that they already supposed it would happen at some point.
It made him incredibly happy and he couldn't resist pulling Ant close and holding him tight. He felt how all the tension left his friends body and he put his arms around Dec as well. It all felt so right. Ant in his arms, where he belonged.
Dec shook his head, trying to get rid of his thoughts. He had to focus on the up coming interview. They didn't like the appointment; they were still in their break after all. But the management insisted on it, so him and Ant couldn't say no.
Dec's gaze wandered over to Ant. You could sense the tension building up in him and he knew exactly why. He wished he could just take him in his arms but that wasn't possible her. At least not in the way Ant would need it at the moment and if he was honest, he needed it just as much.
"Hey you." His arms wrapped around Ant's shoulders. "You're thinking too much again."
"I know. I wish I could just switch it off."
"Everything's good. It's just a normal interview. Nothing special. Everything as it's always been." Dec tried to calm Ant and himself equally.
"But why on such short notice?"
"I don't know, Ant. But it's not the first time, is it?"
"What if...?" he stopped mid-sentence, freeing himself from Dec's hold.
Dec knew what his boyfriend meant. He had had those thoughts himself, just didn't come to any conclusion. It didn't matter anyway. Had anyone noticed something, it was that way. They couldn't change that anyway. Even if he can't imagine how anything about their relationship would have become public. Outside their own four walls they had didn't act any different to how they did before. The closeness they shared even before, was an advantage. Nearly in every interview they had their arms around each other or were just touching each other in general. Had they kept distance, there would've been surprised looks. That's why Dec wasn't really worrying about it even if he understood Ant's worries. Ant seemed to have a lot more trouble with it.
"What are you afraid of?" Dec asked quietly. Ant only shrugged his shoulders. Again Dec wrapped his arms around Ant and rubbed his back.
"Is it, that you don't know how they will react? Or that they judge us? That they don't take us serious anymore?"
"I don't know" You could hear the trembling in Ant's voice. Dec ignored it.
"Or are you afraid of me changing my mind? Of me suddenly leaving you alone..."
Ant tensed up in his arms and Dec had his answer.
"I understand."
He let go of his boyfriend. Needed a moment to himself. He just didn't understand Ant in that point. Thought that Ant finally understood what he felt for him.
Distraught he let his head hang. Just waited those last few minutes before the interview would start. Trying to ignore everything around him. Even when Ant stood close beside him and entered the room at his side, he blended him out, tried to focus on the interviewer.
The interview itself went really well. It was the usual questions about the tour they just finished and about IAC that would start soon. Nothing what they hadn't already answered in previous interviews. It was in fact a really nice chat until that question...
"Now, what's going on in your private life? You've both been single for a while now. Has anything changed?"
He felt the questioning gaze on him, felt how Ant was twitching nervously in his chair. Damn, they had answered this question a million times, what was different now? Of course, there had never been anyone getting hurt by his answer. And this someone was really insecure on top.
Ant sighed, looked at him desperately searching for help.
Dec felt his throat go dry. It could be so easy but still he couldn't do it. Ant's fear, his own insecurities were sufficient. How he would have loved to confess his love for Ant, to show it publicly.
He looked at Ant, moving a little closer. He saw the surprise in Ant's eyes and shook his head slightly. He knew that this would look like their normal non-verbal exchange from the outside. Nothing special but for them it meant a whole lot.
"I..." The I love you didn't need to be pronounced. He looks straight into Ant's eyes, then he coughs a bit and continues without breaking eye-contact. "Nothing's really changed there. It's not really manageable at the moment anyway, time-wise. We much rather concentrate on ourselves. Our shows."
Dec hoped Ant understood. He looked back at the interviewer.
"Don't you miss anything? A family? A 'Save Haven'?"
"No." He answered immediately. "Is there a safer haven than your friends? The people who accept you for who you are?"
"That almost sounds like a declaration of love..." The reporter teased him. If only he knew how close to the truth, he was with that. He loved Ant, the man who makes his life better, who makes him a better human.
"Maybe..." he gulped and then sighed. "...it is one." He then said with a grin, surprised that his voice wasn't trembling. He felt Ant's thigh pressing against his own. He had understood.
