Itazura Na Kiss: Love in Tokyo 3 - Hello, Baby!

13| chapter 13

KOTOKO'S POV

Irie-kun's words played in my mind over and over, and I tried to hold in my tears. I was such a horrible person...

'Idiot!'

Hopefully, nobody had seen me cry. It was so selfish of me to be feeling this way, since I knew deep down I deserved what I'd gotten. But it was too late to get rid of the lump in my throat. I had to find somewhere to hide... to let it out where nobody in the family would see me... not even Okaa-san.

As I rushed past our bedroom door, a wave of guilt washed over me. I felt bad lying to everyone, even though it was just a little fib. But I couldn't sleep now. I would sit outside, just for a little bit... then sneak back in before anyone saw.

Everyone was enjoying themselves, I reminded myself. At that I was given hope that nobody would come outside and find me. I dragged my feet to the backyard.

Shutting the door as quietly as possible behind me, I made my way to the spot I loved the most: the swinging bench. The wet grass tickled my ankles and completely soaked my slippers. They were my favorite, but I was too weak inside to care.

I plopped down onto the seat, and directly into an ice cold puddle. My butt was completely soaked. Even still, I just couldn't bring myself to move over.

Something inside me finally snapped. With everyone in such a good mood, I didn't want to bring them down. I had hid the awful, terrible feeling in my heart behind my best smile, and managed to slip away without worrying anyone. But now... I could let go. Let go...

With no stopping them, hot tears rolled down my cheeks, stinging my face. I tried as hard as I could to be quiet, I really did. But despite how determined I was to not have everyone hear me, I couldn't keep it inside. I breathed in deep, hoping to calm down. But the breath came in jagged as my chest tried to push it back out again. Soon I was hyperventilating and hiccuping out of control. My heart felt so heavy... I didn't know how much longer I would be able to take it. And on top of that, it was my own fault.

How could I have been so careless?! Just because I was only a few weeks pregnant didn't make having a drink okay... yet why did I convince myself it was? I was weak to let myself get swept up in the party...and the food... and everyone having fun.. to let myself pour such a big glass and tell myself it would be fine...

And in front of everyone, too. They were all looking up to me, admiring me now that I was pregnant... and the first thing I went and did was nearly get myself drunk and endanger the baby.

I guess I really am just stupid, a defeated voice said in the back of my head, barely loud enough to hear over all of the other horrible thoughts. I could feel everything inside me be erased like a chalkboard, but that one thought stayed in its place.

'I might be stupid... but that's no excuse for putting the baby's life in danger.' I quickly touched my stomach. Sparks of shock shot through my fingertips and through my body. What did I feel just now? Something was down there that I wasn't used to. It wasn't really all that noticeable, but something did feel different. My heart did a flip, and I pressed harder.

There, I could feel it: a little pouch, raised just slightly higher than how my belly usually was. It wasn't a huge difference, but it sent my emotions every which way.

This really was real.

I started to cry again, harder than before. I watched as my tears mixed with the puddle below me. The grip I had on my shirt tightened and I desperately looked up at the sky.

'I'm already a failure as a mom.'

I don't know how long I sat there and cried, hopeless. My eyes stung, tears poured out of me and I cried out between gasps until I was empty. Until there was no fight in me anymore.

The edge of the bench dug into my neck, but I was okay with it. The night sky was just so wide, spreading out above me like it could go on forever. Stars twinkled down at me, winking. My mind was white fuzz as I drunk in the pretty view. It calmed me down. My tears ran dry and I could breathe normally again. I felt pathetic... but I also felt... good. It felt good not to think about anything else, to just stare up at the sky.

Such a beautiful night sky, I thought to myself.

I wished that Irie-kun was beside me, wished that we could see the same sky together.

But now... now he probably hated me... didn't he?

I looked down at the moonlit grass, feeling the lump being pushed back up into my throat.

'...What do I do now?'

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HELLO EVERYONEEE! I'M BACK AND I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I POSTED A NEW BOOK. It is only for +18 yo people, buy if you think you can handle it, who am I to stop you? The prologue is posted and I am really really really proud of how it came out, please check it out❤ I love you all❤