Un-Tying the Knot {h.s.}

Chapter 51

He was just so confused!
He didn't know what to do anymore.

After his long stint at the bar the night Olivia slapped him, he drunkenly convinced himself to make it better. That is, until his feet crossed the threshold to the outside world and fear took over. How was he supposed to make this right, exactly? What was he going to do about Eleanor? Throw away his entire life? She was every second of it, whether he wanted it or not. And if he's honest, it's why he went back to her in the first place. Call him lazy or stupid, but re-crafting his entire life and identity and career relationships was so daunting that it paralyzed him. She had monopolized everything for him, the point that he didn't know how to exist without her, even if he didn't want to.

And thus, these thoughts begat the swimming inside his head, the feeling of which he was now trying to alleviate by laying upside down, alone in his expansive hotel room.

Why won't you ever be the first one to break?
Even the phone misses your call, by the way

He had even promised himself that he would fix it on their trip out here, but again, his lack of inaction until this work vacation just made things worse. The events from yesterday just kept playing on repeat, as if it's his own personal torture reel.

He can't help but dwell on their silent ride to the airport, the wide stretch of seat she had put between them in the town car that took them to the airport. The plane ride, which was worse because he stupidly picked commercial, made it impossible to have a conversation with her — not that she seemed willing to anyway. The entire morning had been completely silent between them, stretching on like an invisible wall being built brick by brick.

He misses her.

He misses her so desperately that it was literally torture to not have her in his life the way she was before they had kissed. It was worse to know that he was even capable of feeling the amazing feelings inside when he was with her, only to be reminded that he had never felt that way with Eleanor. His desperation and longing for her had little to do with sex, but he would be lying if he said that it wasn't a small part of the equation. Her absence left a Texas-sized hole in his heart, and he didn't know if he would ever recover.

But more than anything, Olivia was his sounding board; if he was confused or lost, she always set him straight, or at least sent him in the right direction. His initial response to his confusion was to go and talk to her about it, but his mind came to the sad realization that he couldn't go to her with this. He was reduced to taking advice from a bartender who didn't even really know him from Adam.

So what is he supposed to do when she's the exact person he needs advice about? It's only now that he truly realizes that she really was his best friend, maybe even more than Nick, since he rarely got to speak to him anymore. She understands him and puts up with every ounce of his bullshit — and cares about him! His wants and his needs, the things that were always overlooked when it came to Eleanor. He desperately needed her, and was really starting to realize just how much she meant to him.

But he had fucked everything up. Still. And he didn't know how to fix it.

Sex ruins everything, his mind taunts. He squeezes his eyes shut, trying desperately to push the thought away. But he knows he has to process these thoughts, has to understand exactly what he wants, what he needs, what he's supposed to do. He has to fix this.

He lets his mind wander as the heels of his hands push against his eye sockets, trying to blind his eyes and relieve some pressure. But his body heats up as his thoughts meander, remembering what it felt like to feel her nails scratching against his back, the way his name sounded passing her lips. But it was quickly replaced with the image of her face lighting up on Christmas when she opened up the record he gave her, the wide smile she had given him when they danced together on his birthday, even as far back as when she looked at him in the back of the SUV when he fought the label for money for Calvin's album.