Leave a Trace

Chapter Thirty Six: Alone (again)

I nod and take it from her.

Her eyes land on the t-shirt clutched in my hand. "Did he break up with you?" She whispers. The porch light is illuminating the worry lines on her face. I nod and step back.

"Thanks." I sniffle.

"Belle," she starts. I shake my head and shut the door, turning the deadbolt.

I climb into bed and clutch his t-shirt to my chest like it's my life support.

What have I got to live for?

Nothing. I had him. I was going to win the Olympics and move in with him. I was going to marry him. Start a family with him.

Now I can't do any of that, and I'm back to walking around blindly.

All of my plans are cancelled. I don't want to go to the Olympics. He always supported me. He was always there for me, and now he's gone and I'm here again, I'm alone again.

My phone vibrates on the nightstand, but I bury my head in Tank's fur, my body shaking violently as I cry.

The next thing I know, I'm writing on a piece of paper.

Dear Alexander fucking Caulton,

You ruined me. You destroyed me. You took my reason to live. I was going to go for the gold and then marry you, move in with you, start a family with you. I was so excited. I accepted Alice. I always accepted Alice. Who let you drive her car all the way to California? Who got her into gymnastics? Who lets her use her leotards and teaches her the best she can? Who protected her tonight when Alicia went after her? I did. How fucking dare you sit there and fucking say I don't care about Alice? You have no right to say that. You fucking destroyed me. I used to carve lines into my skin, but the way I feel right now? It hurts more than anything that has ever happened to me. You've ruined my happiness. You've ruined my faith in the world. You've ruined everything for me, even my fucking hometown. I hope you know that, and maybe somewhere in that conceded mind of yours you will realize what you've lost.

You lost the girl that loved you for you. You lost the girl that stood by your side when you realized your Mom was alive. You lost the girl that loved you and Alice unconditionally. You lost the girl that went to meet with the guy that ruined her fucking life, just so she would be able to trust you. I wouldn't have given a shit if Alice was there tonight and you know that. Do you know how much you hurt me?

"I can't rest at night knowing you're who I'm with, because I know you won't protect her."

I WOULD RUN IN FRONT OF A GUN FOR ANYBODY IN YOUR FUCKING FAMILY

Whatever. Why am I wasting my time?

This life is a wait of my time.

-your EX girlfriend

I throw all of my leotards in a cardboard box for Alice, along with all of his shirts, and then I spray every single bit of it with my perfume, spraying so much until the clothing is wet with it, and I know the second he opens the box that he's going to have the smell of me overwhelm his entire house.