So Much Trouble (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

Chapter 10 - 2018

This is it.

Y/N unlocked her apartment with Bucky close behind her. He was doing a great job keeping his hands to himself when she knew all he wanted to do was the complete opposite. The door popped open and she looked back to see him leaning a shoulder against the wall. Standing there in his suit, he grinned at her and she thought she was going to melt right there in the hallway. She grabbed his hand and pulled him into the apartment, he seemed so quiet suddenly. Y/N reached up to put her hands on his face, "You okay?"

His face was only lit by some dim city light filtering in through her window. He nodded but his eyes looked away. "I'm sorry, Y/N... I'm sorry it took me so long to bring this up but now I really have to."

She looked at him with a furrowed brow and then bent down to turn on a lamp before plopping on the couch and patting the space next to her. She wanted to be nervous that this was going to be a bad conversation but she was forcing herself to be hopeful.

He sat down gently, leaning into the couch and sitting nearly sideways, loosening his tie. "I haven't been completely open with you..." he started.

When he was quiet for a few seconds, Y/N said, "If you're talking about what happened with your arm, I understand... I understand why that's kept you from being physical with me. Is that what you mean?"

Bucky's eyes slowly widened and his mouth hung open as if he was mid-sentence. He slowly nodded, "Yeah, that's it. How did you know?"

"Well, I mean, what else would it be?" she said gently.

"I'm sorry," he said, reaching over to put his hand on top of hers.

"Bucky, don't be sorry. It's not my business. If you're not comfortable—"

"No, no, please. Don't pull away... please," his eyes looked at her, pleading.

"I'm not, Buck, I'm right here," she said.

"No, I mean, I don't want you to think it's not your business," he sighed. "Because it is - because I can't imagine my life without you and I feel like we're so intertwined at this point... I... I want you to know about me."

She watched him silently, his face a range of emotions.

"I'm just finding it hard to talk about and it's not because of you," he confessed. "War is... horrible and messy and... horrifying. And there you are, like an angel. I just can't seem to let you know the darker side of me."

"Buck," she said, her face twisting into pain. "I'm no angel. And I can take it. I care about you and you shouldn't have to keep it in. But I'm ready to talk when you are. And if you're not ready, you're not ready."

"I don't want to... wait anymore... to be with you" he said as he cleared his throat. "But I also don't know how to talk about this stuff." He sat up straighter and said, "My arm, it's... It's kind of scary looking and I don't want you to be—"

"Honey, I'm not scared. It's you. You could never be scary to me. Your arm is part of you and it's not going to make me run away from you." I love all of you, she thought.

That's the problem, it's part of me... this horrible, killing appendage is part of me and I don't want to touch you with it, he thought to himself.

"Okay," he whispered.

She squeezed his hand as a smirk started to come over her face. She started to lean forward until her face was close to his, holding herself up on her hands, climbing closer until she was kneeling in front of him. She ran the top of her nose on his jaw and up his cheek, rubbing it back and forth. Her voice came out in a low whisper, "Baby, I want you."