Loving the Nerd ⚣

Chapter Twenty-Nine

"Can I get a hoya?" Sam hollered from the hallway.

"Hoya," I replied unenthusiastically, sending a tsunami of crumpled tissues onto the floor as I drew my legs to my chest.

"Okay, what's going on," Sam invited herself into my room, dropping a full duffel bag onto my bed.

I sighed dramatically, "I don't want to talk about it. And what's with the bag?"

Sam reached in and produced a bag of chips and a packet of gummy bears. "It's my 'mayday bag', for all your emotional breakdown needs. I've got food, magazines, tissues, The Notebook, tampons—"

"Tampons?" I asked as I tore open a pack of lollies.

"Look, usually this is for my girlfriends, okay? I don't have a... 'gayday bag' yet." Sam pulled out a blanket and wrapped it around her shoulders, then grabbed a block of chocolate and shuffled around to sit beside me on my bed. "So what's happened?" she asked once we were comfortable and had our respective snacks.

I filled my mouth with gummy bears, chewing sadly. "I really blew my chances with Cole."

"How?"

"You're going to be mad at me."

"I'm not here to make you feel worse, Ev," she smiled.

I rested my chin on my knees and wrapped my arms around my shins. "I don't think we'll ever be together and it's all my fault."

"Okay," Sam processed the information. "I'm sure that's not the case."

Tears pooled in my eyes. "My mum saw us together. She's never going to let me be with him."

"Oh, Ev, that's not true."

"It is true!" I cried, feeling my emotions swell up inside of me. "She won't let me talk to him, let alone be with him. She said that as long as I lived here I couldn't do this stuff—like it's a choice!"

Sam put her hand on my back, rubbing soothing patterns. "I know. I mean, I don't know, but I understand. And one day she will, too."

"No..." I shook my head. "She'll never understand." My stomach clenched at the truth. "I just want to be with him."

"Then what's stopping you?"

"Myself. I just projected my own insecurities onto him... I said he was a loser, that he was helping me with my homework." The words tasted vile in my mouth and I had the urge to get up and brush my teeth.

"Well it's good that you can acknowledge that you were projecting," Sam said. "I presume Cole was hurt by that?"

"Hurt? I told him I couldn't be with him!"

"You called it off?"

"I'm scared, I'm confused. I don't know what to do. I want to be with him and when I'm with you and Isaac and dad and even Elliot and Fiona I feel like it's manageable, like we can get through it, side by side. But then my mum comes in and it's just like I can't see myself holding his hand anymore. It's like she sucks the happiness out of my happily ever after."

Sam made a sympathetic sound, moving her hand to my shoulder. "Everest, I can't imagine how torn you feel right now, but I think if you really want to be with Cole then nothing should stop you."

"You don't get it. It's my mum."

"I know. I can't imagine going against my mum, but if she's standing between you and your happiness."

"I can't," I cut her off. "Every time I'm with Cole I think I can live without her, that I'll be fine with him and I'll be happy. But I'm not. I'm not happy without her love."

"Oh, Ev, it's not that she doesn't love you. She just might not agree with this part of you."

"But this is a big part of me. It's who I love."

There was a split second where Sam's entire face lit up, but she was quick to return to her serious expression.

"What?" I asked.

"Huh? Oh, nothing," she broke a piece of chocolate, handing it to me.

"Thanks. But what was that face for?"

She finally let the smile wiggle its way onto her mouth. "You said 'who you love'... Do you love Cole?"

I didn't reply. Did I love Cole? I felt like I was too young to know what love was. All I knew was that my heart felt like it was overflowing when I was with Cole and that I was always smiling so much my cheeks hurt and that he made me feel like I was okay.

"I don't know about love, but I love being around him," I said, then bitterly added, "Not that it matters anymore, thanks to my own stupidity."

Sam shoved me gently. "None of that. I honestly think you guys need to take a breather tonight, and then talk about it tomorrow. I'll make you hug it out again if I have to."

"I wish I could hug him right now."

"I've got a boyfriend pillow in my 'mayday bag'," Sam offered.

And it was as if talking to Sam had relieved me of all my sadness and worry, because I burst out laughing and I didn't cry for the rest of the night.