Rain

June 5, 2009

I followed the same routine as yesterday, waited for my mother to go to coffee with her friends and continued to Liz's room. I knew it was bad that I was going through her private things but it was almost like I was living my sister's life. She had a much more interesting life than she let on. I opened the book to Entry 2 June 5, 2007 and delve into her world once more.

June 5, 2007 - I sat in the car for a few moments staring at the red door. How do I expect myself to go inside when I can't even accept that he's no longer with us? My mother didn't seem to understand that she was asking me to relive a nightmare, one that causes me to wake up drenched in sweat some nights. His face still haunts me, even know staring at the window of the house I expect to see him staring back at me.  My eyes started to water and I knew the tears were coming soon, tears that I should have cried a long time ago. Wet hot tears started to run down my cheeks as I started sniveling like a child. My nose decided to join my eyes and snot started sliding down towards my lip, usually I would wipe it off but at this point I didn't care. I was heaving, gasping for air as the tears continued to pour, my stomach was in tight knots causing me to lean over, letting out a painful groan between the tears. This continued for a half hour before I could collect myself, in that time my mother had called me twice but never bothered to look outside. I was grateful for that, I couldn't allow my mother to see me cry, not now.

With a heavy sigh I told myself "You can do this." I looked in the mirror of my car. My puffy red eyes were going to be hard to hide. Perhaps I could pass it off as being in the rain too long without a coat. I smiled at myself in the mirror knowing she would never buy it. My hand latched onto the door handle but I hesitated, my eyes gravitating to the window once more. With a deep breath I opened the door sliding myself from my seat.  "One step at a time." I told myself as I approached the door, I stopped in front of the window peering at it once more. The sudden appearance of a face caused me to jump backwards tripping over my feet and falling on my bottom with a yelp. Another look revealed that it was my mother, her hand over her mouth, her green eyes as wide as saucers as they sparkled in the sunlight.

The door flew open and my mother came jetting across the yard at me, arms open. My mother tends to overreact about injuries, she was convinced that my broken finger would eventually kill me. I smiled brightly and let out a soft laugh to assure her that I was ok. It didn't stop her from grabbing me and pulling me into a tight hug. I could feel her soft sobs on my shoulder as I wrapped my arms around her tightly.

"I thought-"A pause as she took a deep breath. "I thought you hated me." She said softly keeping her head firmly on my shoulder. I was shocked to hear these words come from my mother's mouth. Had I really been gone that long? I suppose it didn't help that I never found time to call her anymore, for me it was just too hard to call that number and not hear his voice on the other end. I felt selfish, I didn't consider how hard it must be for her to go through this alone. Where is my father? I'm not sure, if I ever find him I have a well-deserved smack waiting for him.  My sister Jade was nowhere in sight, not that I was all that surprised. Jade and I never really were close, she's the prettier, slimmer, more popular daughter who enjoys shopping and getting her nails done, a replica of my mother.

"Where's Jade? I asked expecting to get a vague answer.

"She's inside. I made her stay home so she could see you."

I laughed internally, knowing it was most likely driving her crazy that she had to stay home for her lame sister. This was going to make my mood one thousand times better this entire stay home. A person appeared in the doorway, her blonde wavy curls bounced on her shoulders, blue eyes peered at me like I was the demon that ruined her teenage life. She's average height for a teenage girl with an hourglass figure. I will never tell her this but my sister Jade, is beautiful. I always have wanted to tell her but feared her head would grow even larger and explode with the rest of her stuck up friends. Jade wasn't like them though, underneath all the sarcastic remarks there is a caring, loving sister who I missed dearly. Her look at the current moment told me that she didn't miss me, or she was just so angry at me for being gone that she hated me. 

"Hi Jade." I said with a grand smile. She returned the smile but only slightly and turned her attention to her phone, texting away like her life depended on it. It was rare that I ever saw my sister without her phone in her hand, I always wondered what on Earth could be so interesting on social media. That's another reason that I was considered lame, I don't have anything but Facebook and I rarely ever use it.  The look that my mother shot Jade was one that could kill even the bravest of men.

"Hi Liz." Jade huffed while rolling her eyes. It never failed that I got some kind of attitude from her, it was like she hated being related to me. Nevertheless, she did at least smile so that's a win for me today. Plus, she's not out doing 'cool' things with her friends, another win. Mom and I got up and decided to go inside for a cup of coffee, the minute I hit the doorway I could smell the familiar smell of my Grandpa's cologne. I stopped, closed my eyes and took a deep breath inhaling the smell it's almost like he was still here. When I opened my eyes I realized that not only was I still in the doorway, but it looked like I just smelled my sister.

Great another reason for her to call me weird and lame.

As if on cue, Jade's eyes narrowed "You're so weird sometimes." She stated before shaking her head disappointedly, wondering off towards the living room. I couldn't help but snort at her comment, at first it hurts but after so many years of pain and multiple nights of crying myself to sleep, weird is just normal. My mom grabbed my hands pulling me into the living room, old brown leather placed throughout the ivory painted room. Jade was sitting in one of the chairs with one of her legs draped over the arm. This instantly earned her a glare from my mother "Sit correctly Jade." She said sweetly as she stared at me.

Jade rolled her eyes behind my mother back "This was fun, I'm go-"

"You're not going anywhere. We had this discussion." My mother said firmly. The fury that I saw in Jade's eyes was something new, I had never seen her this angry before.

"Why should I have to stay home just because this freak is home?" She questioned, her eyes yet again narrowing at me like I had ruined her life. In my personal opinion I didn't think it would kill the girl to be away from the wannabe Barbie's for the day.

"Jade, I told you. Your sister has been working very hard and we are spending time with her.  Now stop being so rude before I shut off your phone." Mother demanded, giving Jade a sideways glance. Jade huffed but kept her mouth shut for the next few hours. We sat in the living room talking about my classes, my friends and then it hit me. The smell of my grandfather had faded, along with it memories of what once was. A single tear rolled down my cheek, somehow my mother saw it and asked what's wrong.

"I miss him." Is all I could manage to choke out without bursting into tears again. I felt my lip trembling and knew they were coming but I fought hard to keep them back, I wasn't going to cry in front of my soulless plastic sister just so she could tell the whole town. Tomorrow would be better, it had to be better.  *Entry end* 

I must have been in a daze reading the diary because I didn't realize that tears were rolling down my cheeks making a strange pattern on the pages of the diary. It never occurred to me just how mean I was to my sister, I never l knew she felt like this. I laughed at myself and wiped my tears away sliding the book back to its place. Someday soon I hope to be able to apologize to her, for everything. I left the room in tears, going straight to my room and going to be. "You're right Liz, tomorrow will be better. It has to be." I whispered to myself as sleep overtook my body.