Wonderland

Overload

In that moment, flashing lights and static was all I knew. White light, red light, blue light, pink light, yellow light, green light, white light, white light, white light, black.

The hum of electric pulsed though my brain like thin wire being threaded through my skull. I could feel my body contorting across the cool tiled floor while my eyes rolled back. Hands grasped my limbs, furiously attempting to fix me to one place but the electric continued to swirl inside me, unable to keep still.

Red light, blue light, pink light, black.

Waves of colour overtook my mind as a psychedelic mess of my brains impulses. I could still feel the virtual reality headset tightly hugging my skull but this wasn't a game. Something was desperately wrong.

The inventors at the convention had promised wonders. Technology that was so advanced they didn't know what to do with it. They told me to imagine anything, and it would appear. So I did just that. I imagined what I had spent my whole life picturing, my make believe world, my wonderland.

I think I overloaded the system, summoning an entire world with a single thought was obviously not what they were expecting. For a second I saw it, the candy covered trees, the crystal mountings, even the perpetual twilight but just as its image reached my retina it was gone. Replaced by a pulsating light-show that burned my eyes. 

Yellow light, orange light, purple light, black.

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Seated opposite me was the doctor. He looked smart in his long medical coat and tailored shirt but his messy toffee hair reeked of stress. We were in my room, padded white walls surrounding us and the sound of machinery beeping calmly down the hall.

He looked over to me anxiously, raising one brow as he talked, "Doll? Are you listening?"
For a moment I stared up at him, blurry eyed and half asleep before cautiously nodding.
He frowned, "You seem a bit off today. Is everything alright?"
Again I nodded, not really sure why we were talking or why we were even in this room.
His head tilted steadily to one side, analysing the subtle twitches in my face before writing something down on his clipboard. "Right, Doll, just to be sure, can you tell me why your here?"
I shook my head.
"I see... how about the last thing you remember?"
I nodded.
"Which was?"
"The convention. I was at a convention. The tech convention and something went wrong. The virtual reality headset."

I must have been shaking because the doctor placed one hand on my knee, bringing me steadily back into the reality of now. "Good Doll, and when did that happen?"
"It must have been earlier today?" His face filled with concerned so I quickly changed my answer. "No, no, it was yesterday."
Sadly his eyes drifted down to his clipboard, almost unable to meet my mine. "Doll, that was two years ago."

Unable to process the situation, tears welled up behind my eyes, furiously determined to make an appearance. The doctor on the other hand was calm and steady, consciously trying to provide some sense of stability. "It's ok, this has happened before. Occasional memory loss is just your brains way of coping when things get tough, it'll all start coming back to you soon enough."

In my state of hesitant heartache I watched as his eyes peered behind me. "Why is Rabbit all the way over there? Have you two had a falling out?"
Instinctively my head  flicked around to see a pink stuffed rabbit with an orange waistcoat and a raspberry coloured bow tie laying clumsily on a hospital bed.

Squealing with delight I ran over to the stuffed animal and hugged him tightly. "I remember Rabbit! Of course I remember Rabbit!" He was my best friend and I didn't go anywhere without him. I brushed his soft fleecy fur against my cheek, letting the memories flood back. I vaguely remembered having him before the convention and while in care.

I stared back at the doctor, suddenly burning with questions. "The care home?"
"Good! Very good Doll!" His praise felt warm. "Yes you were in care for quite a while. You see, you were an IVF baby." He took one look at my confused expression before changing his phrasing. "Born in a laboratory." I nodded. "And your parents never came to collect you, so the state took you on as there responsibility. Then, at sixteen they managed to find you emergency housing and you started living on your own, a couple of months after that the incident happened. Does that ring any bells at all?"

"A bit, it does help." I was trying my hardest to sound certain because to tell you the truth although he wasn't really helping, I couldn't stand the thought of him leaving me alone in this blank canvas of a room. "Doctor, can I ask you something?"
"Go ahead."
"Where exactly am I, is this place a hospital?"
"Ah, well... sort of, it's a special hospital." Suddenly his voice became unsure, "Look Doll, I know this all seems confusing but you have to trust us. We've been looking after you for a couple of years now and we know what we're doing. One of the nurses will be back soon to feed you and get you ready for bed. Until then be a good girl."
As he started getting up from his seat I panicked, distraught by the thought of being left alone. "Wait! Your not going are you?"
"Doll I have to, don't make a fuss about this."
But it was too late for that, I was already stood static, facing the doctor, furiously clenching my fists into tights balls that caused my fingers to click. "Your not leaving!"
The doctor didn't reply, simply walking out of the room and shutting the door behind him.  It was infuriating.

The sudden realisation that I was alone in this white walled space with just my Rabbit, a bed and my own thoughts was terrifying. I wanted answers or at the very least company. "Doctor! DOCTOR!" My screams failed to echo against the padded walls and floor but I knew they were listening. "Don't leave me here! Doctor don't!"

Sudden footsteps down the hall silenced me. They weren't the doctors, they were purposeful, stern. I managed to lean up against the corner of the room just before a nurse entered followed by an armed guard. They both wore a white uniform that matched the monochrome walls and hid themselves behind filter masks. While the nurse wandered towards me, holding open a heavy jacket as if it were a net, the guard stood firm behind her, clutching his gun.

I held Rabbit close to my chest and I closed my eyes tight, willing them away. "Leave me alone!" With every step they took towards me colour flashed behind the blackness of my eyelids. "Leave me alone!"

Red light, pink light, green light, black.

They were close now, the nurse was wrestling with my arms, trying to pull Rabbit away but still I kept my eyes tightly shut.

Blue light, yellow light, orange light.

I felt the nurse reluctantly let go as the guard took over, yanking Rabbit away with one swift tug.

Red light, white light, purple light.

Screaming I fell to the floor, unable to stop seeing colours flash across my vision. Clawing at my face, I couldn't tell if my eyes were open or shut. The only thing I could feel was my arms being pulled away and slipped into the stiff sleeves of the jacket. The nurse effortlessly picked me up before carrying me over to the bed. I couldn't move, stuck in a permanent state of hugging my own torso but somehow it was comforting. As if I no longer had to worry about my own body.

A needle was slipped into my arm calming the mass of psychedelic colours until I felt myself relax, allowing my mind to fall deep into the depths of sleep.

"Wonderland! Oh how I missed you."