The List Of A Lifetime

1: The List

It's been almost year since the incident, and surprisingly I am doing okay. Not great but not like it used to be. I finally have accepted she is gone and for good. I am done crying about it every night. She wouldn't want me going on like this. She would want me to finish what she started, and I attend on doing just that one thing.

It is about time I go through all of her things and maybe give some of it to goodwill. She would want that. I have been keeping them in boxes stacked on boxes in my room. I haven't touched them at all after what happened. I was too scared to face the truth. I knew if I went through these boxes then she was really gone and never coming back. It has been a really hard year, but I think it is truly time for me to move on and do what she really wanted me to do. Which was finish what she didn't get a chance to do, but first I had to find the list. After what happened I threw it in one of the boxes swearing I would never look at it again.

    It was devastating what happened but I had to face it. I got up off my bed and walked slowly towards the boxes in the far-left corner of my room. I know this is not gonna be easy for me, but it needs to happen. I opened the first box coming face to face with a pair of socks. Colorful socks, and I just broke down. They were her lucky socks; she always wore them on test days or days she knew something big was going to happen to her. She loved those socks. I wish she could have taken them with her.

    I needed to keep going. I took the socks out and placed them on the floor beside me. The next thing I came across was a picture of me and Hayden. When we were five playing in a sand box. It was the true start of our friendship. She was my everything, my rock. She helped me through thick and thin. I loved and missed her very much.

    But I had to keep going; if I was going to finish what she started by the time I graduate. I needed to start now. She vowed to finish the list before she graduated, but little did she know she wasn't going to make it to graduation. So, now it is my job to start back up where she left off. Hayden, wasn't your average girl. She was different. She was beautiful and kind when it was needed, but also could be a total bitch when needed. She was ballsy, brave, and would do anything to live life to the fullest. She was my role model, but I was totally unlike her. I was scared of everything; taking risks, talking to other guys, not getting perfect grades, standing up for myself. I feared life in general, but it was okay because she took all the risks for me and stood up for me when needed.

    The next thing I found in the box was an old sweater, I lent it to her, and she never returned it. I loved that sweater, good thing I have it back now. Not really because I would pray to God to bring her back everyday even if that meant I would never get to wear this sweater again. I kept going until I was finally at the bottom of the box. All that was left was a crumbled-up piece of paper. I grabbed it cautiously knowing that when I open this piece of paper there is no going back. This is the beginning of the end. The day I finally grow balls and become the person she has always wanted me to be. Brave.

     I can hear her now in my head, "Come on, Ava you only live once why don't you take some risks for change. You could even do number 3 with me on the list." I ended up turning her down that day, and every day since I have regretted it. But now is the time. The time to do what needs to be done. I took the piece of paper and un-crumbled it. Making it as wrinkled free as I could get it. It was filled with words, numbers, and doodles all over it. She would doodle on it when she got bored during class and needed a distraction. Which I can understand. There were sentences numbered one through 20. 20 being the last and final thing needed to be done before graduation. She had only gotten through 5 before the incident, but if I was going to do this then I needed to do it to its full extent. Even the ones she has already completed. This is not going to be a piece of cake. I only have 5 months to complete it; second semester of senior year starts next week. Which means the exact day Hayden left me a year ago. The first day of her second semester of junior year. It was a surprise to everyone, even me. But on that day I am going to be strong, and defiantly cross something off of that list. First though I had to read it. It has been a year since I have looked at the list. I even almost forgot most of everything on it except a special few. I was afraid to read it because I knew I had to do everything on it; no matter how awkward or hard it was. I looked down at the list and started reading.