Thinking on the Edge.

Counselling

" Hi, Im Sarah Anne Parker. I suffer from major anxiety and bipolar depression. I'm here because the doctors told me I had to," she told the group.
"Well Sarah, don't you think they asked you to come here for a reason?", the counselor asked.
"Not really. Everyone's depressed and everyone has suicidal thoughts. But they tried to tell me it was 'unhealthy', 'not normal' or whatever."
"We just want to make sure everyone is in a safe and comfortable environment at all times."
"Ok well I'm done sharing, Now can I go home?"
"I guess so, just, stay strong Sarah"
She didn't see the point of going to that, she didn't believe she was able to be fixed. She was shattered into pieces and those pieces were small and tiny, scattered everywhere. After he died, she just wasn't herself, she was herself because she had him. Now she was a stranger, just another piece of junk that was cluttering the world, so what was the point? She would rather be six feet under than breathing without him. Seeing the foaming saliva spill from his mouth and his uncontrollable shaking was unforgettable to her.
It wasn't as if she wanted to be depressed, but that's how life played out for her, she just didn't get the option.She didn't get to choose and that scared her. She couldn't choose who stayed nor left, she couldn't choose who she hated verse who she loved. She didn't have the option to never feel and she couldn't make herself not care. Relationships form over time, relationships create feelings, and feelings develop into care. Caring makes people weak, being weak allows people to fall in love, and love makes people break. She didn't want someone to rebuild her, that would only allow her to break again.
But again she wasn't in control of that, she couldn't control her feelings, she couldn't control how many nor who broke her and that's frightening. She walked home, letting her mind wander, wander far away. Pondering the meaning of life, the purpose of existence, but there was none. No reasoning to live, if there was it would be the sole purpose of disappointing other. When she entered her house, she walked directly into her room, the room was spinning and the colors were blending. The memory was coming back and she hated it but couldn't stop it.
Now she could only see that memory, she was in that room again.
"Grandma, something's wrong with Grandpa!"
He shook on the couch, that shake haunted her, scarred into her mind. Then they were in the hospital. The tears streamed down her face and her head began to ache.
"No, No, NO! God No! Please, Please not again! Please Grandpa, No I need you. I need you! Don't leave me, not again. I can't lose you again.", she cried.
She screamed in her head but her mouth moved with the motion, she lost him once but it felt like she lost him over and over again. The same event, the same person, at different moments in time. The memory stained her mind, it wouldn't let her forget, the air thickened and it became harder to breathe.The blade slit her skin, an instant relief formed. It wasnt health but it numbed the mind, silenced the thoughts, stopped the battle against the memory, just for a little while. That's all she needed, that's all she wanted, she cleans up the blood, wipes away the liquid pain that ran from her eyes. She left her room, down the stairs and into the kitchen.
"Sarah, how was group today?", her mother asked.
"Same as always, a waste of time."
"You keep acting like that, you'll never get better"
"Yea, better, sure"
"Are you back talking me?"
"No mom, damn get off my back"
"You need to start actually participating in group counseling, you need to get better."
"I'm not gonna get better ok! How many things are you gonna try? The medication didn't work, solo counseling didn't work. Group counseling, sure the hell isn't gonna work! Im fucked up, abnormal, get used to it or just let me kill myself next time! I'm not gonna get better and I'm not another one of your puzzles that you can just put back together!"
"Sarah, you aren't the only one that misses him. But, you have to try, I already lost my dad, I don't wanna lose my daughter too.", her mother's eyes filled with tears.
"I've tried mom, I've tried so fucking hard."
They both sat there and cried, not saying a word to each other. Some moments her mother would treat her like shit but others she treated her like the only important thing in life. Sarah managed, though it was hard, to keep up with her mother's mood swings. She couldn't hate her, she couldn't love her either, she was just awkwardly in the middle. They sat there quietly after, her mother looking down at the ground and Sarah waiting for the moment she could get food without feeling guilty.