3:00 am
I want to text you but you are probably busy.
Maybe watching a movie.
Maybe a stand up comedy.
Maybe you're just laying in bed and over thinking like usual.
Because you aren't asleep.
Because you're scared of the dark.
Because you're scared of the nightmares.
And so you wait for the sunrise.
4:00 am
I see you online.
You just shared a slam poetry video.
About depression and anxiety.
You are anxious again.
You always are.
I want to comfort you but I hate the looks you give me late nights.
Like you wanna devour me.
Like you wanna ravish me.
I hate how I love it.
I hate how you are too scared to take a step.
6:00 am
Your sister calls me. She says you've just been admitted in the ER.
You've slit you wrist.
Your journal says you were anxious and hate yourself for being weak.
You survive and hate your scar.
You say you aren't man enough.
You say you are afraid of the world.
You say you'd rather be dead.
I want to comfort you but I'm afraid of getting close to you.
You ruin every girl that loves you.
You ruin every girl that shows you affection.
You ruin anyone that comes near you.
You ruin everything you touch.
I'm ruined already.
You will decimate me.
You get angry that I'm ignoring you.
"I almost died! How can you abandon me when I need you the most? "
You forget I'm selfish.
I'm selfish even when you are all I think of.
Im selfish even when you are all I need.
But then you replace me with one of your other female friend.
The loud one that always makes you laugh a lot.
She cares for you.
She loves you too.
And the author one loves you too.
And the model one loves you too.
And the one in your class loves you too.
And your sister's friend has a crush on you.
My love means nothing when you're surrounded by so many that want you.
So many that will give up anything for you.
So many that are willing to stay at your side regardless of what.
3:00am
I'm thinking of you
I'm thinking of how I can make you laugh
I'm thinking of how I can care for you
I'm thinking of how to be not selfish with you
I'm thinking of how to be okay sharing you with others
I'm thinking of how to be part of your life and not the center of it.
4:00am
You text me.
Your words are messy.
Your always impeccable vocabulary is now messy.
You are drunk texting.
You don't know what you're saying.
You don't mean what you're saying.
You can't love me.
You can't love anyone.
You don't mean what you're saying.
6:00am
I come to your apartment to hear the words from you.
In your voice.
I come to you for reassurance
I come to you, hope blooming in my heart
I come to you, broad smile on my face
I come to you, flooded with happiness.
Finally....
Finally....
But your friend is there.
The author one.
You always speak of how she smells like lilac and says everything poetically.
You're laying on her lap and she's giggling.
You look happy.
I can't ruin that.
3:00 am
You call me.
You say you're afraid.
I know you are.
You wish you could sleep but the nightmares keep you awake.
I know.
You beg me to come over and so I rush to you. I rush to you whenever you call me.
I rush to you when I see you.
I rush to you like you are my last breathe.
But I find your sister's friend at your apartment.
You are always in the company of another girl.
In fear of loneliness, you drive me away inadvertently.
You drive me towards loneliness.
You have those willing to fill the emptiness in you.
I have none but you to fill my emptiness.
You have lovers in every city.
I have none but my shadow.
You aren't as damned as I am baby boy.
