How-To Space Pirate for Dummies

10/19/3080 - Believer

Out in space, no one can hear you singing awfully off-tune to millenia-old pop songs blasting over the illegal speakers in the cockpit of a stolen ship.

Out in space, no one cares if you partake in rude bodily humor.

No one can sing along, and no one can laugh with you, though. At least, no one fully sentient.

"Aik."

The cool voice of my ship's AI, Insi, sounded in my ear.

"What?"

"Your singing is corroding my files."

I  tried to concentrate on my target, pushing the throttle wide just as the music reached a crescendo. I "sang" along, humming the instrumentals, as loudly as I could, just to aggravate Insi.

"First things first..."

With an electronic sigh, Insi stopped talking to presumably sulk in the recesses of Insyron, my ship's, wiring.

On a drumbeat, I stabbed my left thumb sideways on one of the buttons on the side of the joystick gripped in the hand, firing an EMP-100 at the unsuspecting Mammoth carrier. The weapon exploded against the hull, releasing a flash of light and some technical mumbo-jumbo. Hey, if the shoe fits... The EMP would disable all electrical systems aboard, including the nav system, comms, lights, and what I needed - weapons. I had to work fast, as I only had 100 seconds.

"Second things second..."

Reaching my right hand to another joystick, I deployed the cutters - two lazers that sped through space, cutting into the cargo area that was highlighted on the small console in front of me. Now for the tricky part -  grav beams. 

Grav beams, for the lawful, are illegal gravity-simulating rope-like structures, able to attract anything to the end and safely bring it in. In theory. Of course, mine was about ten years old, one of the very first models, and it moved slower than a sleepy snail. Not that I knew what a snail was, or how fast it moved. Just... it's pretty damn slow. The good thing about it was that it had a very centralized draw-point, one whose reach I knew well. Better than bringing in five tons of dust and trash with the cargo, but rather tricky to steer.

"Aaaaaaand...."

I flicked on the gravity, watching as the expulsed cargo - ten tons of Vorkan wine, the finest - was drawn towards my grav beam. With the blinking of a green light near the grav joystick, I exhaled, smiling as I settled back into my padded chair. 

"Third things third..."

Now just to wait as the cargo was drawn and secured into my hold. The ship was turning towards me, no doubt to report my model of ship to the local authorities, the Cordins, and hope that I got caught. I laughed out loud, and stuck my tongue out even though they couldn't see my face from 50 miles out. I was just about to fire up the hyperdrive (apparently a refrence to some old, old movie...) and jump into FTL when I saw a flash of light out of the corner of my eye, and then, a moment later, a grinding noise from the side of my ship. I whipped my head around.

"Oh, COME ON!" (The speakers wailed, "PAIN!" as though it had physically felt that.)

This merchant obviously had some outlawed physical weapons, old bulky outcroppings using steel and lead bullets - ones that could tear and rip easier than the lazers outfitted on my ship, which were used to pinpoint damage, like the fuel hold and opposing weapons. Hopefully it hadn't hit anything vital. No time to check the console for the damage assessment. I gritted my teeth.

"Hey, Insi. I won't sing no more - what's the damage on the side?"

The AI slowly came out of her shell, a little grumpily.

"Say you're sorry for sassing."

"Come on! I don't have time for this."

Another bullet sped towards me, and I fumbled for the controls and my firing buttons. Two pairs of lightweight Werewolves, rapid-fire lazers, humed to life as I put my thumbs over the top buttons on the sticks. Automatic targeting zoomed in on the craft, but I had to dodge the bullet first. I yanked the sticks sideways, throwing Insyron into a roll. 

Seeing the world turn upside-down, I fought to remind myself that in space, nothing was up, nothing was down, and gravity didn't exist. Fixing my mind into that hard-to-reach niche, I spiraled. A bad idea, especially with the side damage. Mentally cursing myself and fighting to keep control, I shouted again into my mic.

"INSI! DAMAGE REPORT! NOW!"

"Fiiiiiine. The bullet clipped part of the fuel tank and the cargo hold. The pressure's dropping. Unless you want to lose your cargo, I suggest not fighting it out, especially as..."

"100 seconds are up."

The merchant ship lit up, and now, closer, I could see the barrels of more weapons. I hated to leave a fight, but I had what I came for, and if I didn't haul ass, I would be paying for more than just repairs. I would be paying with my life. Biting back a remark, I turned Insyron around, gunning the boosters, staring at the radar for any following fire.

"Insi. Can I make a hyperjump?"

"Yes. Be careful, though."

"I'm always careful."

"That's a lie."

I ignored this, and hit the hyperdrive switch, remembering just in time to snap my goggles over my eyes. They were usually the first to go if hyperdrive reached dangerous speeds. The single-person craft shook violently as it shot through the Milky way. Clenching my hands on the joysticks, I waited for a few seconds, staring at the hyperdrive meter, then hit the switch again. Sudden decceleration threw me forward in my harness. I overshot slightly, and had to turn the craft's nose back, heading towards a dimly lit space station. Removing the goggles to rest on my forehead, I set the navigation to automatic dock, and flipped a switch to let Tyrin Station access the ship's comms. Raggedly, I spoke.

"This is Insyron to Tyrin, Insyron to Tyrin. Requesting permission to dock. Over."

A voice fuzzed through the comms, sharpening gradually.

"Access granted. Proceed to Dock area 232, Dock 232. Over and out."

"Recieved. Proceeding to Dock 232. Over an' out."

I heaved a sigh of relief, pointing the craft towards the 2 stenciled on the side of a hatch, in a row of hatches on the hangar ring of the station. The airlock opened, depressurizing quickly, and I sped towards it, landing easily on the small platform with help of the landing thrusters. The hatch slid closed, and the lock pressurized. A green light flashed on by the wall, and the back wall slid open, granting a clear way to a massive hangar, full of every type of ship that can be found in the 'Way. I taxied to port number 23, and settled my relatively tiny Insyron next to a huge carrier. I made a last remark to Insi.

"Be back later, Insi. Try to get a hold of any sympathizers that can fix my ship, and I'll bring back a new gamechip for you."

"Deal."

I hummed as I went out to find some characters to sell my wares to. Specifically, one character by the alias Bat.

"First things first...."