Himitsu (Book One of the Kakureta Hana series)

VIII: Hachi

I shook my head, feeling as mute as Jun has been the past week.  Carefully, I dismount and reach for their reins as they swing down from their own horses.  Rika pauses for a moment to grab a bundle before the two of them disappear behind a ridge.

The horses and I, by comparison, stare at each other for a long moment before they decide they want to graze, and I sink to the ground to wait.

Soon enough, I can make out the sight of them returning, and I get up to reach for the horses' reins, sure that they will both be ready to go.

I stare overly long at my horse's neck, not really seeing it but not wanting to look back towards Jun and Rika.  I can hear their footsteps getting closer to me before a light hand touches my shoulder.

"Ryuu," Jun whispers, "whatever is wrong?"

I turn to look at her, the words in my mouth dying in one swift exhale.  She looks at me with a quizzical expression upon her face, body clad in a feminine kimono and hair done up with combs.

After ages, I manage to say, "Jun..." as I reach a shaking hand towards her face.

"No, Igarashi Ryuu," she tells me, a light smile caressing her lips.  "It is Sakura, the name that my mother gave me.  No longer shall I hide behind the identity of Amachi Junichi.  That name no longer belongs to me just as I no longer belong to the clan."

I kiss her then, feeling a slight sigh escape her when our lips connect.  Only when I find I need to breath do I pull back and reply fiercely, "You will still belong to the clan; it will be as my wife, not as my leader.  My name shall be yours, my loyalty yours, and my blood yours.  For while I have lost my leader, I have found something far more precious: someone to stand at my side as long as breath remains in our bodies and blood courses through us."

Jun...Sakura stares at me for a long moment before she starts weeping.  Without warning, she tugs herself out of my arms and rushes back the way that they had come.  I can only stare after her in mute silence, wondering what I had said wrong.

"She just needs time," Rika mutters, noticing my stricken look.  "There are insecurities there that only Sakura can conquer.  As much as you wish that you can slay those demons for her, you cannot.  You have never been in her position, and you cannot live her life for her.  Just give her time, and I promise that Sakura will come back to talk to you."

We set up camp there, not wanting to wander far when she was not with us.  I leave the single tent to Rika, choosing instead to sleep next to the fire.  Sakura still has yet to return when the dark veil of night falls.  Rika decides to retire, leaving me to stare into the flickering flames alone.

Long after the fire has begun to fade to embers, I see a shadowy figure steal into the tent without sparing a glance towards me.  A surge of relief courses through me along with a sharp cut of rejection.  When will I stop saying the wrong things?

However, knowing that she has returned is enough to soothe my mind into the lull of sleep.

A hoarse scream yanks me from slumber, and my fingers tighten about the hilt of my katana.  There is barely enough light for me to see the woman tearing out of the tent to throw herself into my arms.

My hand drops from my weapon, taking in Sakura's wild-eyed look.  She clings to me as if she does not dare to let go lest the shadows chasing her take hold.  Like I have done for every night since Hikaru died, I return her embrace, whispering quietly in her ear until the shudders subside.

"You should find someone else," she says at last.  "Someone less scarred, less damaged, than I am.  A woman who has never been through battles, who has never been left behind, who has never had to hide who she truly is.  You and I would just lead to heartbreak for both of us."

"I don't want someone else.  I want you with your scars, your imperfections.  You are the only woman who will understand what I endure on the battlefield because you have been there," I reply, running a hand across the top of her head.  "If your father had not raised you as he did, we would never have been in this position."

She pulls back far enough to glare at me.  "You are correct.  You would be married off to some woman who knows how to run a household, not trying to marry one who knows how to run a battlefield.  You would not have to worry whether your wife would manage to keep her mouth closed when men are discussing the latest battle, or even have to worry about what they would think when they find out she can fight just as well as any man.

"You would not be in love with a woman who, every time she closes her eyes, remembers the feel of a man's hands against her throat, the panic that rose as she felt her life flee her grasp.  A woman who can hardly stand the dark because it reminds her of lying half-unconscious under a bush, wondering if anyone would find her."

"I love you!" My voice startles one of the horses as well as Sakura, who stares at me with wide eyes.  "Do you not think that I have gone through all those things over and over again?  If I was worried about any of that, I would not have said I wanted to marry you.  I don't care if you are not the proper wife.  I don't care that you know how to wield a katana or a knife because that saved your life.  I don't care if you wake up every night in terror because I will be there to hold you.

"Whether you are Junichi or you are Sakura, I love you, not because you are the perfect woman, but because you are the only person who has ever managed to make my heart soar.  I want to look at our son one day and tell him how his mother is one of the best warriors I have ever known.  I want to teach our daughter how to wield a knife just like her mother.  I want to share every moment with you, whether it is good or bad.  All I want is you, which means that I want everything that comes with you."

I release her and get up to prod at the fire, emotions flowing through me faster than I could handle.  After a few long moments, I feel her kneel next to me.

"Do you truly mean it, Ryuu?  I never want you to wake up and regret the fact that you married me.  I never want you to leave me because you cannot stand to listen to everything they say about your strange wife.  I never want you to regret me."

Sakura's voice drops on the last words, and I turn my head to look into her eyes.  I can see my face reflected in them, see the love that is etched into every line as I look at her.  "I will never regret marrying you, Sakura.  Had you been raised as a girl, you would have been married off to someone in another clan, and I would have never gotten to know you as well as I do.  There is no one I trust more to watch my back and guard my heart for the rest of my life."

I touch my lips to hers gently before murmuring, "I will never regret you."

With those words, I see the last of her walls drop, and she wraps her arms tight around my torso, resting her head against my heart.

"I love you, Amachi Sakura, and I will say those words every moment for the next forty years if I must," I whisper, feeling the coolness of her silent tears soak into my clothes.

And in the stillness of the night, I hear her whisper back, "I love you more, Igarashi Ryuu."