Moving On

Help! I've fallen for a straight girl

"Who do you like?"

I cannot tell you how much fear those four words strike into me. I feel blood rush up to my face and know my cheeks are blossoming red. The whole circle is looking at me, expecting an answer that I cannot give.

"Um...No one at the moment." I reply, eyes darting around the room looking for escape, but then there she is, gliding into the room like she's floating. Talia.

"Oh come on," Rachel urges, her eyes hungry for an answer. "You said that last time. There must be someone you like?"

Her long sculpted legs are shown off by tiny denim shorts and her slouchy jumper exposes one soft, smooth shoulder that makes my heart skip a beat. She is carrying a plate of snacks for the rest of the girls at the sleepover.

I shake my head.

"No, not really."

She pauses to think.

Ugh, I hate sleepovers. The stupid games of Truth or Dare make me anxious and the girls only ever want to talk about boys. Especially her. Oh how she constantly talks about boys. The ones at school, the ones in movies, the ones on the fucking street. It's torture. It hurts just as much every time, as I get suckerpunched with the fact that she's straight. And I'm not.

"Okay, then who in our grade do you find most attractive?"

Her messy bun, the colour of chocolate. And her matching eyes, the beautiful brown warmth of them framed by lashes that are blonde at the tips, reminiscent of her natural sandy blonde. Her prominent, curved lips that she tries so hard to hide and that I wish so much to kiss.

"Jess?" Rachel is getting impatient.

"No one okay, just move on. I chose truth and I answered your question. Move on to someone else."

"Okay, okay. It was just a harmless question." She gives me a suspicious look and moves on to the next person in the circle.

Oh god. She's coming over. Even being near her is enough to make me hold my breath. She sets down the plate and sits next to me in the circle, her thigh touching mine. I suck in a breath. She looks up at me and smiles,

"Hey Jess, everything alright?" Some girl named Kim who I don't know is now being dared to lick Jen's foot.

"Yeah, everything's great!" I lie. "The party's awesome, thanks for inviting me!" What? Thanks for inviting me? Are you stupid Jess?

"Of course I invited you? What kind of best friend wouldn't invite you to her party?"

"Yeah, of course." Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

"Jess, are you sure you're okay?" She looks genuinely worried

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just not much of a social person. Parties make me nervous"

"I know." Pausing, she furrows her brows in thought and continues. "Thanks for coming and you know I love you, but if you need to go upstairs or go home to calm down you can."

God why does she have to be so amazing?

"Can I actually go upstairs for a quick sec?" I need some time alone.

"Of course, I'll come up to see you soon." She turns back to the circle and I briefly consider staying just to be with her, but decide against it and turn towards the stairs. Her house is so huge and it makes me feel so small and insignificant, especially alone. Talia's dad's a lawyer and her mum is a veterinary surgeon, so they have a lot of money. I walk down the hallway and slow as I pass each family photo of Talia, drinking in her blonde hair and chubby cheeks. She looks so different now. At the end of the hall I reach her room. It's huge and decorated with photos and polaroids and soft toys, a typical teenage girl's room. The walls are white and her bedspread is too, but with some sort of geometric grey pattern on it. I turn on the light and sit on the bed releasing a huge sigh. God, this hurts. Why does she have to be so stunning and so thoughtful and make me so aware that I want to be more than just friends?

I lie on the bed for a while, thinking, when something glints in the corner of my eye, reflecting off the lights. I walk over to the source of the glinting and after moving around some laundry on the floor of her closet I find a bottle of vodka. Where the hell she got it and why the hell she hasn't shared it with me yet is a mystery, but God am I happy to see it. Twisting off the cap I take a huge swig and keep drinking knowing that it's a mistake, but desperately needing a relief from thinking.

The room is spinning by the time the door opens and Talia walks in.

"What the fuck?" She says, seeing me on the floor cradling the mostly empty bottle.

"Hey, T. How's it hanging?" She grabs the bottle from me and, seeing what's left, frowns and furrows her brows. I hate to see her sad or angry or experiencing any negative emotion. She looks so much prettier when she's happy.

"What's za matter?"

"You drank the whole bottle?"

"Yup." I say putting extra emphasis on the p.

"Oh lord." She says and lifts me up onto the bed.

I look at her face, admiring her defined cheekbones, so different from the chubby cheeks in the hallway photos, and her elegant nose.

"You're very pretty." I tell her. People should tell her more often.

"What?" She says, attempting to sit me up against the headboard.

"You're very pretty." I repeat in a mumble, staring at her lips. They're like rubies with her red lip gloss, parted just slightly, and so full I could just reach up and-

"What the fuck Jess?" She jumps away from me and off the bed.

"You're very pretty." I repeat, licking my lips. Her lip gloss tastes like strawberries. I want to kiss her again.

"You're drunk." She says under her breath, more to herself than me.

"Yep, and you taste like strawberries."

"You can't be a-a lesbian," She says. "I've known you forever. You can't be a-"

"Yep. Yep. Yep."

"Fuck."

...

I wake up in Talia's bed tasting strawberries. I see her standing across the room, staring at me with a look of disbelief plastered across her face.

"You're-You're a lesbian?"

"What?" Oh Fuck.