Frostbite

One

It was a harsh winter. The icy wind battered our faces and froze our hands. Our chilled breath steadily drifted out in thick clouds of grey fog, and a blanket of mist had settled upon Arkadia, so thick we could barely see three feet in front of us. We were trapped in a seemingly endless winter; preserved in time, waiting patiently for the signs of Spring to break through.

Our food supplies were limited, our water supplies were limited. We were rationing on borrowed time. And those lucky enough to have survive the first outbreak of disease, now sat red faced, numb limbed, half starved to the bone. We were slowly fading into ghosts of our former selves. We were dying where we lay. Our numbers have drastically halved since the first fall of snow.

I felt a deep cut of guilt with every unmoving body I had to drag away, every shallow grave I had to dig- the desire to return to the shelters were always more compelling then the need to give my people a proper burial. But I tried to tell myself that it was because the ground was too frozen to dig.

The guilt made me sick; exhausted and worried to death. I often imagined lying down and being embraced by the soothing darkness, never to wake again.

Hadn't I done enough?

Wouldn't it be easier to just let go? To melt away and not have to worry? I wouldn't have to be so strong anymore. The others would be fine. They will get by. They will survive... If I just closed my eyes... Someone else will keep them safe, keep them alive...

They would understand. And maybe one day... in a place so far away from this barren hell, where the sky wasn't an endless grey... and the earth wasn't dead... maybe then we will meet again...

It was all so simple.

Everything could be so simple. All I had to do was just lie back and close my eyes...

Just lie back and close my eyes...

Just lie back... close my eyes...

Just lie back...

Just lie...

Simple.

The sound around me echoed into a great silence, muffled voices- so distant and so good. They were at peace, drawing me further into the welcoming slumber. I was so tired.

It was all so simple. So peaceful. No more worry. No more hunger. No more guilt.

Just peace.

"Bellamy." They sang. "Bellamy." They wanted me to just let go, to just give in. So close, so simple. "Bellamy!"

And just like that, the peaceful darkness turned cold and sad as I was jolted back to reality. I hated myself for having those thoughts, they always made me more guilty. How could I just give up on everyone? How could I just give up on my sister?

My eyes opened against my will, and for a brief moment I thought I saw a flash of blonde hair, illuminated by a halo of light- pure light, a ray of sun...

I quickly squeezed my eyes shut, reminding myself. It wasn't real. She wasn't there. She doesn't matter, not anymore.

When I opened my eyes again, it was the half broken light that blinked down at me. Flashing rhythmetically; on, then off... on, then off... The light was running out of time and we no longer had the resources to fix it. It was broken.

Everything was broken.

We were broken.

"Bellamy?" She said again. I licked my dry lips, and slowly tried to sit up, her hand resting gently on my back. I had fallen asleep on the floor again, tightly pressed up against the concrete wall, our room only a few meters away.

"Bellamy? Are you okay?" There was a sharp ringing in my ear, the sound of her voice came and went, but I could tell she was worried about me "-Kane said. But Bell, I don't thin-"

I shook my head. Kane had given an order and I would follow it. The thoughts from before had receded to the back of my mind, but they were still there and I gritted my teeth for being so selfish.

Hesitantly, I managed to raise myself to my feet, bracing the wall for support. The hallway tipped slightly but I gave it a determined glare, my fingers tapping against the trigger. The gun felt heavier in my hands- it wasn't the first time it had...

One foot forward and I inhaled sharply at how stiff my legs had become.

Another foot and I could just make out the feeling of a hand on my shoulder, and I gave a sideways glance down.

Gina. She wasn't one of The Hundred- she had come down after. But she was worried about me. She shouldn't have to worry about me. I'll be fine.

"You don't have to go." She says faintly. "You should rest." I looked down at where I had laid- too many had passed away in their sleep- it was the easy choice. The simple choice...

But Kane had given an order. I had to follow it. Look after everyone else... keep them safe...

I leaned down and kissed Gina on her head- her face was red from the cold, and she had a slight sniffle, her thin frame shook every so often- another reminder that I had to be strong for them.

I tried to give her a smile, but my jaw still felt frozen- everything hurt too much.

And then I left. I staggered down the corridor a few paces, determined to get to the Rover, but my feet were still asleep and the hall seemed to stretch on forever.

One foot forward. Then another.

I faintly registered a presence press against my side. Two arms encircled my bicep, and Gina helped me down the hall.

Gina was a good person. She didn't deserve this. She deserved better.