A Thousand Purple Stars (JinJi)

Happy To

"You are happy, aren't you?" Jennie asked. "You got everything you—"

"I know I did," Jisoo snapped, and then she was immediately sorry. Of course, Jennie didn't mean to hit a sore spot. Jisoo guessed she must have been even more nervous than she thought. She felt restless, like her skin was the only thing keeping her from going everywhere all at once. Jennie sensed it right away.

"Is something wrong?" Jennie said.

Jisoo sighed, supposing there was no point in hiding it from her best friend.

"No, nothing, she said. She grabbed a cart of books and pushed it into an aisle to shelve. Jennie followed. "It's just that," Jisoo began. "Guess who's back."

"Who?" Jennie asked.

Jisoo sighed as she silently slid a book into place. Jisoo was suddenly sorry that she had brought the subject up. When he left the shop that night, Jisoo was prepared to move on from him, just as she had in every other aspect of her life. She was doing so well. The shop was thriving. She and Dara were getting along. Her life was finally starting to look the way she wanted. And he walked right back in and reminded her that she had ruined the one good thing she had going for her. And now he was probably dating someone else and it was too late to get that back.

When Jisoo didn't answer, Jennie stared hard at her face. They hadn't known each other very long. They had only met in freshman year of college, but already, Jennie was an expert at hearing what Jisoo wasn't saying.

"Jinyoung?" Jennie said softly. "Still?"

Jisoo was taken slightly aback by the last bit. "What do you mean? Not still," she said, slamming a book onto the shelf. "He came into the shop a few days ago, I had a momentary relapse. That's all."

"Jisoo," Jennie said, crossing her arms and leaning against a shelf.

"I'm fine, Jennie," Jisoo said. "I really am."

She pushed the cart into another aisle and began restocking books.

"You said so yourself, I should be over the moon," Jisoo said. "Why shouldn't I be? I got everything I wanted. I'm a partner at an independent publishing house, I'm renting a room in the city, I'm a part-time editor collaborating with new authors, I have a book, and I'm doing Q&A's as a published author, I might even have another book out soon. I'm living the dream."

"Girl, you aren't fooling anyone," Jennie said, crossing her arms. "You still like him, don't you?"

The only reply Jisoo gave was a thick silence as she continued stocking books. Jennie looked at her friend with a sad expression. She didn't understand; if she loved this boy, why didn't she just go get him the way she went after her other dreams?

"What's stopping you?" Jennie asked.

Jisoo stopped stocking books for a minute. She looked over at Jennie and crossed her arms.

"I messed up really bad back then, Jennie," Jisoo said. "And it wasn't the first time I did. I don't want to disappoint him anymore. Also..."

Jisoo rubbed her arm soothingly.

"I can't stop thinking about that last thing he said to me," Jisoo said. "That maybe I should be alone. He could be right. Maybe, right now, at this point in my life, I should be alone. Maybe I'm too selfish to be with him or anyone."

"Hey," Jennie said taking a step toward her. "You gave up Embrace to help Dara, and you didn't even like her back then. That wasn't a selfish move."

"Still," Jisoo said. "If I had called him and asked him to take me back after that, what would that say about my intentions?"

People are supposed to do the right thing simply because it's the right thing to do. Not because they're anticipating some kind of reward or as an investment in good karma. Jisoo wanted to believe that she helped Dara because it was the right thing to do, not just because she wanted Jinyoung back.