How to be friends with the depressed

Step one

School days are the worst. I don't want to get up, I watch the time incredulously hoping that it will miraculously stop and I will be free of my responsibilities. It doesn't. I lay there like a bear in hibernation, I can't get up. It's not sleep paralysis, it's I'm a fucking worthless piece of shit.

     Ten minutes before my bus comes I lazily get up and wear whatever outfit I can reach first. There goes my plan of actually looking good today, at least I showered last night. After putting my necessities for school, headphones and a charger, I'm out the door.

     My bus isn't too far from my house. I get there quickly. As usual, the only empty seats are towards the back. As we ride, my friend is picked up, she finds a seat at the front. I was kinda hoping she'd sit with me. I'm a fucking idiot.

     At school I go straight to breakfast, and after on my way to class I see her. She's walking with this other girl. She's made new friends. I should probably go up to her and join the group. Just go. Go. Go. I can do this. Go.

I don't go. Instead I walk to class thinking everyone hates me. I have no friends, nobody cares about me, and I'm an undeserving human. I should just end it all and rid everyone of my disgusting presence. But I'm a fucking coward.

     Class. The thing I need, want, but am not putting any effort into passing. I play my classes like roulette, sometimes I get lucky, and other times I don't. It's okay though. Really, I promise.

     I chat and laugh with friends during. It's fun for a while, only until my thoughts catch up to me and hold me hostage in my own head. I begin to fake. But fake has been faked for so long it's mistaken as real. They'll never know. I want them to.

      Classes go on and then it's lunch, my school is different. Every grade has lunch at the same time for an hour. I thought I'd be great. I get my lunch and make my way to the classroom I always eat at. Before I eat I always walk around. I walk through the library and see my friend with her new friend. They didn't text me if I wanted to come eat too. It's my fault really, when we first met I told her about my inability to keep friends. How I become distant later on. I'd warned her, and she'd taken head.

     All I've ever wanted was a best friend. There's all this talk about them and I want to know how it feels to have someone there who will always be there for you. I want someone to care. I couldn't do it for myself, so I'm impatiently waiting for someone to do it for me. Selfish I know.

     I stop looking at them and make my way back to the classroom, I'll talk to them tomorrow. There had been so many tomorrows I think today is actually yesterday.

     I'm fucking worthless. I have friends, people like me. I'm just too fucking dumb to talk to them. Their faces is the worst part. Look at how they're creasing their brows, they don't like me for sure. I'm just an annoying piece of shit wasting their time. Today will be the day I do them that overdue favor. It's what's best for everyone.

     Last period. My favorite class, only because there's the boy I've liked since freshman year and this other friend of mine who only we understand our friendship. I sit between them. This is the only time where I can be me. Well, not too much of me or they'll read between my laughter and realize it's a melody in disguise. It's for their own good.

     I don't know if he likes me back, but everyone including his twin sister tells me to go for it, but I'm a coward. Besides, I'd be doing him an injustice. He shouldn't like someone as pathetic as me. Never. Well, that's my good deed of the day.

     As the clock reaches 2:05 I know it is the end of school. Before my foot even reach the floor outside the room, my happiness is roughly knocked out of me. My time had expired, my chains are once again on, and my thoughts make up for lost time.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

     I always say. It's easy really, just face a smile and say those words. They'll walk away believing you. If only they knew that they heard that wrong. See there's a language that not many know about, depression. Translated those words mean "I'm not okay, please realize I'm lying, please".

They never do.

Rule number 1: never believe a depressed when they tell you they're okay. It's not anyone's fault really, how are people supposed to know one is in fact depressed. You don't.