Your Very Being

Intro to Rin.

I spend my days normally. Except, my norm isn't your norm.

I live in Malaysia. I'm 'free-haired' but if I have to fit in at my school, I have to wear hijab, or what they call it here: tudung. It's because of my religion where girls are obligated to wear it or it will be considered a sin. Now, I'm fine with that, with this religion, God asks I obey. But I wouldn't obey what his subjects, the people, say. And that is the reason why I'm not serious about it, because whenever someone asks 'When are you going to cover'? I think in my head 100% of the time, 'because of you, maybe never?'.

But I never say it.

Back to normal. I iron my uniform every night. Every. Goddamned. Night. And now that I have to wear tudung, I have to iron that too. Every morning I prepare RM1.20 in shillings to give to my grandfather in the car to pay the highway toll to school as he can't see well, but he can very well be trusted to handle the road, shillings my grandparents keep in every souvenir in their museum-like house.

I live with my grandparents. I choose to live with them. I brought out the idea one day and my parents were okay with it. I love my parents and vice versa, they are the reason I think love is real and can be found. So no, my parents are not fighting and the brink of divorce nor dead, I just like my life to be a little complicated and interesting, which my 6 many siblings aren't.

Seriously, they're all extroverts and can't understand my need for alone time. Most people would think that I'm an introvert, because I barely talk, my presence isn't big, and I'm super polite, but those are the same people who don't understand how it really works. But I'm an ambivert, albeit a very shy one.

So when I knew that tempe, what my family calls my Yaya (what I call my grandmother) and Tok's (traditional way to call your grandfather) house's had an empty room since the tenant moved out, I was fucking game.

I go to an all girls school here. So far I've gone a year, and the results are very disappointing. If you think I'm talking about my grades then you think wrong, I'm talking about a sense of belonging. And maybe, finding love, but I gave up on that one a week in, seeing as I can't fall in love with girls my age that had excessive sebum on their noses and because of the fact that homosexuality is very frowned upon in our religion. School made me realize that I'm really straight.

I'm not in any friend group. My class has a lot of people, and I've talked to all of them. The first week was nice because they are some who're excited for fresh bait, but just 3 weeks later, I got depressed, because these people are boring. There are some okay ones, but I quickly felt inferior towards them. I'm too shy to ask for a number, or ask them to 'hang out'. I just wanted to be part of a cool group without having to be good at socializing.

In movies the main character has two best friends by default, or in other cases, the protagonist is always in a group but she doesn't treasure them or realize how lucky she is. How'd I do anything to have that.

And If I'm not dragged by my Yaya to go to someone's house, I sit in my dark and golden room, and watch comedy and romance movies. I quickly became addicted to them and soon didn't worry about the instagram posts my classmates posted when they were at the cinema, because I unfollow them one by one, weekly. I hate school, but I go so I don't disappoint my Yaya.

I'm a loner. Not unless you count this good friend I have, they're all good people, really, and this one's stuck with me for some unknown reason. But it doesn't really matter, because she's dull like the rest of them. Good, good, good.

But that was my first year. For the second year, I have different plans.

It's now a month in, and already I've greeted every teacher I came across to. I sit in the library to do my homework, and while I do that, I practice to cut off my emotions, and just get it done with because that's how much homework bothers me, so when I go home, I can watch a nice movie.

I like movies because they have harsh truths and comforting lies. If I actually learn something from one I don't really apply it; because I live in Malaysia, and there's no magic here. That's the harshest truth I learned in my first year in High School.

I plan to pick a hobby. Befriend adults. Don't get hated on. See if I can belong, survive.

So there you go, this is my normal.

Note: Story contains sex, weed, harsh language, forbidden romance, and general stupidity.