falling apart \\ a 5sos fanfiction

1\\ a.i.

***Ashton's P.O.V.*****

I sit on the bathroom floor, shaking slightly. I could hear the opening act from where I was sitting, and the bass just made the nervous and twisting feeling in my gut tighten. I blinked a few times, trying to get my blurry vision to dissipate but it was useless. I was on the verge of breaking down and I had no idea what was happening.

I knew this wasn't regular stage fright, I had gotten that almost every show and was accustomed to the feeling. This was something different. I shake my head slightly as I remember my young teenage years being spent in a curled up ball on the floor, my hands over my ears: yelling. I was suddenly aware of what this familiar, awful, and eerie feeling was.

I was having an anxiety attack.

"No no no no no," I whisper to myself, already feeling the sweat glistening on my forehead. I squeeze my eyes shut and shake back and forth. "Stop. Stop stop stop stop. Stop."

I didn't know what to do, the memories of the late nights up, staring at the wall. Getting drunk and high for no reason, getting into random fights and hooking up with anyone I could get my hands on. My past was replaying right in front of my eyes, I wondered if this is what the seven minutes before you died were like.

I was frightened when I wished that these were my last seven minutes, and when they were over I would be taken by destiny and away from this world of pain. 

"Ashton?" My head snaps up at the voice, immediatley recognizing it at Calum's. "You alright? You've been in here for a while mate."

My lips struggle to form an answer to him, and I try to force out the words but I feel like I am being suffocated. I can't. I can't breathe.

I hear Calum sigh as he knocks on each door, and then turns the knob. I suck in a dark breath when I see his black vans appear in front of my stall.

He tries to open the door, but then realizes its locked. "Ashton! We go on in 5, get the hell ou-'' his sentence stops short when he bends down to look at me, and I already know what he sees.

He sees someone who has held it in for too long, and is pathetically breaking down in front of him right before his eyes.

"Ashton," He says softly. "You okay?"

I shake my head no, and his eyes furrow.

"C'mon, lets go." He gestures torwards the lock, signaling me to open the door and I shakily stand up. My hands tremble as I turn it, and I wipe my eyes to rid of my tears.

Calum puts a supportive arm around my back, and I try to manage a fake smile for him but I end up just letting out another loud cry. God I am such a fucking pussy.

We walk about halfway down the hall until we see Michael running torwards us.

"Where were you guys? The crowds been waiting." Calum gives him a warning glance, and then silently gestures his hand to me and I see Michael's eyes widen at my appearence, and then he glances down as realization hits him.

"Oh," He sheepishly scratches his neck. "If you're not feeling well Ash, we don't have to go on we can just-"

"I'm fine." I silence him and am surprised at how normal my voice sounded, in comparison to just a few moments ago when all I could let out were sobs. "I'm not going to let down the fans."

I sniffle as they give me comforting looks, and suddenly I am taken over with irritation for both of them. 

I hate how they have to feel bad for me, I hate feeling this way, I hate myself.

I let out a long, troubled sigh as I pull my drumsticks out of my pocket, and wait at the side of the stage. Luke is already out, and has already waved and greeted the audience. Michael is next, and he high fives Luke before spinning his guitar around and strumming it twice. The crowd roars.

Calum gives me a thumbs up before running onto stage and standing in front of the microphone.

I breathe in deeply and close my eyes, bracing myself, jogging onto the stage.

When I see the large crowd, a grin spreads across my face. This time, I don't have to fake it. I finally feel at home. 

I give the audience a 'rock n roll' symbol with my hands before blowing a kiss. They scream in excitement and appreciation. 

"Maryland! Are you readyyyyyy?" Luke sing songs into the microphone as the tune to "Eighteen" starts. The room vibrates with screams in a response. 

Suddenly, a blinding light shines on me; and I feel alive. I forget everything that has happened tonight and focus on the instrument in front of me. I let out all of my stress into pounding the drums, not remembering the last time I've felt this elated.

Still, I feel an aching in my chest.

Somethings missing.

I try to focus back on the song but its hard, I can't stop thinking about it. What could I possibly need? I have it all. The friends, the fans, the sucess. 

My eyes scan the crowd as I try to read the posters to distract me from my thoughts. All of them range from pictures of our previous tweets, references to old interveiws/keeks that we dont even remember, and then just "We love you Calum!" or "LUKE<333"

That's when I saw her.

Long blonde hair, nose scrunched up in annoyance and mouth turned downwards in a frown. She taps her foot lightly, but not to the beat;  in impatience. 

A tall, lanky girl who looks about the same age that she does; with flowy brunnette hair stands beside her, and I infer is the only reason why shes here. 

Finally, the blonde shakes her head in obvious disgust and walks away. 

"Wait!" I call out to her, not thinking. The crowd falls silent as do the boys, and I realize that I've dropped my drumsticks.

The blonde turns swiftly around to face me, in surprise. 

I breath in a few breaths in shock at what I just did, eyes wild as I turn to run off the stage.